First of all, don’t get pulled over. Have I taught you nothing? The first rule on breaking rules is DON’T GET CAUGHT. C’mon! I don’t care if you speed, or don’t use your turn signal, or roll a stop, as long as you’re competent, which you probably aren’t, and have the sense to not get pulled over.
If you do, however, fail, and the po po catch you, here’s what you need to do, in chronological order. And like, really, fuck the police.
1. Make sure your seat belt is on
One less thing to get in trouble for (unless that’s why you got pulled over in the first place, in which case still put it on so there’s less proof).
2. Unroll your window
Sounds dumb, but do this first (post-seat belt check), and only this. Don’t reach for anything, don’t unbuckle your seat belt, don’t not unroll your window, don’t open the door–do nothing that could arguably be perceived as uncooperative, dangerous (you may be reaching for some gum, they think you’re reaching for a gun, and poof, you’re dead*), insubordinate, or contrarian. We may hate them and
know think they’re wrong, but we’ll play by the rules if it works in our favor.
*Only if you’re an unarmed black male.
3. Don’t say anything
Except a pleasant, “hello.” Let them start the conversation. Alternatively, if you are a white female or a middle-aged white male, you are free to congratulate them on pulling you over.
4. Make sure you know where your license & registration are
The officer will ask you for them. Glove compartment is the best place to keep your registration (and insurance card, title, driver’s manual, stolen mini bar liquor bottles, etc). Make sure it’s there, where you can easily reach it, and not somewhere like your trunk or back seat. And of course always have your license on you and within reach while driving. The last thing we need is to get pulled over for running a red light (red, yellow–tomato, tomato) and then get hit for not having our license or up-to-date registration.
5. Tell the truth (ish)
The officer will either tell you why you got pulled over or ask you why you think you got pulled over (because they like to play mind games, wannabe-psychologist-but-not-smart-enough motherfuckers). Essentially, don’t say too much. If he says, “You were speeding,” a simple, contemplative, “Oh,” will suffice, at first. If he asks you what speed you were going, say something reasonable–if you know how fast, say how fast. Unless how fast is waaay too fast, in which case, ‘guess’ at a more reasonable number. E.g. if the speed limit is 65 mph, and you were going 80-85, say, “I’m not sure exactly because my eyes were primarily on the road and not my speedometer, but I think 70-75.” That way, you’re not lying, but you’re not implicating yourself, either. Play dumb, but not in too disingenuous of a way. And, if you’re certain you were not doing whatever he accuses you of, assert yourself, but don’t be aggressive. Cops are all power trippers–that’s why they become cops. And power trippers don’t like feeling like someone else is more powerful than them. You have to play their game, but you have to be better at it. Little do they know, our whole lives have been preparation leading up to this moment–some may call us manipulative sociopaths, but we prefer “clever savants.”
6. Ask for Proof
If he says he clocked you going a certain speed, ask to see the radar proof. Also ask where/when he clocked you. The point of this is to game out how much evidence he in fact has against you, so that you can build you case either right here in front of him or later on in court. If he offers proof, make sure to examine it closely, and take notes. If he doesn’t, or refuses to, note that.
7. Ask for a pass
If you feel like up until this point, you’ve been able to maintain a reasonable enough defense, don’t be afraid to kiss some porky ass and say something like, “Would you please consider giving me a warning this time, since my record is clean?” It sounds pathetic, and that’s because it is, but, again, play the game. Plus, you never know until you try. And if you weren’t doing something so blatantly illegal and you’re a halfway decent person, it just may work.
8. If you get a ticket, maintain composure
Just because you’re getting a ticket does not mean you’re guilty. It just means you have to appear in court. So don’t start spewing a bunch of hateful crap at the officer—no doubt what you’d be spewing is true (“You only became a cop because your wife never lets you be on top [self-five for rhyming!] and you needed some way to feel in control! Also your mom breastfed you until you were 8!”)—but by taking the ticket on the spot, you are not admitting guilt, so no need to freak out just yet. You’re simply saying, “Ok for now, asshole, but I’ll see you in court, pig” (metaphorically, of course).
9. Drive away safely
Wait until you’re out of their sight to tear off. Until then, you are obviously encouraged to whisper a bunch of voodoo spells directed at the officer: “I hope your dick shrivels up and falls off,” “Here’s to 50 more years of hemorrhoids,” and/or, “If you got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere and your radio went out and you ran out of water and you froze to death trying to walk to shelter, I would not be disappointed.”
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