As Featured on News Cult: My Christmas List

Because every well-adjusted adult makes one?

1. To just know what it would feel like to be Charlie Sheen for one day.

Too soon?

2. A lifetime of better decisions

This one will never get old. #ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed

3. Nutella

All of it.

4. An hour with Ben Carson

Preferably in a universe where guns don’t exist. Or, alternatively, in a universe where it’s just me and him in a Popeye’s organization, and the cashier is in the back when a gunman comes in.

5. A lifetime supply of Mambas

Easily the most underrated candy out there.

6. A better haircut for Hillary Clinton

And a better-adjusted moral compass.

7. Leggings

You can never have enough.

8. To travel back in time

So I could be in the elevator and find out just what exactly caused Solange to go off like that…

9. A world where it’s possible to get a breakfast burrito for lunch

WHY is it so hard to find a breakfast burrito after 11 AM? Do you suddenly stop carrying eggs at that time?

10. A Louis C.K. body pillow


11. To not be completely blown off by a guy

Just one. Like, if there could just be one decent guy out there, that would be great. I don’t care if you hate puppies and think kale is cool, so long as you text me back.

Featured on News Cult:


25 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: My Christmas List

  1. Josh Wrenn says:

    Okay, get out of my head. I just paused on my own list to read a bit, and what do I find? Holiday themed thought theft. (That was three TH’s in a row. Alliteration, motherfucka!) And #5. I didn’t know that anybody else knew about Mambas. Were you stalking me at the 7-11 by my elementary school when I used to pick those up or something?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    You’re so wrong and I hate you. (hahaha)

    Do you know about “jeggings?” Yes, look like jeans, but are leggings. They are kind of awesome.

    And YES, as I’ve aged (and every year after it gets worse) – I go out in public and simply “hate” on people. I know, terrible. But honestly, this is why senior citizens no longer have patience. They spend years dealing with people and their BS and just have less tolerance each passing year. (I’m kind of there prematurely?) In fact, I have somewhat become a hermit, except all the kid crap I have to do.

    P.S. Kinda hating people who do “early” Christmas lists…but guess you got Black Friday coming up… sorry, won’t brave the crowds for you. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    P.P.S (sorry- just remembered) so driving the kids to school today, and one of the radio stations was playing Charlie Sheen’s interview. He stuttered so much, we couldn’t even listen to what the answer was or even what the original question was, for that matter.

    My 12 year old, who sometimes has a difficult time expressing himself (has some memory issues) even asked “This is hard to listen to. What’s wrong with that man?”

    THEN, the question was asked if he had any unprotected sex since 4 years ago, when diagnosed originally with HIV…and if so, if they were notified. (Well, if they didn’t know, they know now) And Charlie was talking about his (2) relationships he had since he was diagnosed and said no it was unprotected and they were under his doctor’s care and they are fine. WHAT?

    WTF? I don’t care how far along science/medicine has come- I don’t care if you’re Brad Pitt or the dude from Arrow… if he said, “Hey baby, I have HIV but it’s cool, we don’t need to use a condom. You’ll be fine.” I’d be like, oh, I’m just not sure about that. I’ll get back to you. Because what if there’s an “oopsy” – kind of a big life changing thing. So, of course, now my 12 and soon to be 10 year old are asking me…???? HIV???


    Liked by 1 person

  4. bensbitterblog says:

    Why is it so hard to text someone back? And why can’t I be neighbors with Louis CK so I can be the guy he does the stand up bit about having to hang out with me because his kid and mine have nothing in common except they are same size and he has ask me questions for an hour and a half. What do you do…I don’t care.

    Liked by 1 person

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