As Featured on News Cult: What to Do When You’re Stuck in Traffic

If you’re lucky like me and any of the other 9 million pieces of shit people living in Los Angeles, you spend the majority of your life in traffic. It can get pretty depressing/maddening/homicidal-inducing, so you need to distract yourself to get through it. Distracted driving is the best kind, am I right?

Here’s what to do when you’re stuck in traffic.

1. Make hateful, prolonged eye contact with surrounding drivers

They are, after all, the reason you’re in this mess, so you need to express to them exactly how you feel.

2. Sing

Preferably strong ballads, with your windows down, volume all the way up, and also eye contact here, plus Backstreet Boys-esque hand gestures, towards your fellow drivers. Ideally: Adele, Kelly Clarkson, and/or Clay Aiken (that dude has to be a child molester, right?? He’s the next Jared the Subway guy, I’m telling you. Don’t act surprised when it happens. #Itoldyouso).

3. Dance

Hip circles, people. HIP. CIRCLES. Work with what you’ve got—lots can still happen with the mid-to-upper body. Would you tell a wheelchair-bound man he can’t dance? It’s literally the exact same situation.

4. Cry

I find it’s helpful to get in my morning and evening cries during my commutes. It’s more efficient that way.

5. Read

Look, if you’re at a standstill, I really don’t see a problem with this.

6. Write

Pls see above^

7. Floss

When else are you gonna do it, if we’re being honest? Frankly your dentist is lucky and should be grateful. Whiny little bitch.

8. Apply makeup

That way you get to sleep 20 min longer. HALLELUJAH. Alternatively: just don’t wear makeup. Give up on the outside like you’ve given up on the inside.

9. Pay your bills

You might as well use the fact that you’re a captive audience to your advantage.

10. Call your mom

Pls see #9^

11. Eat

Um, in driving school they tell you not to eat because it’s too distracting but they clearly don’t know what skilled eaters we are and how important food is. Like… get out of here, fucking amateur hour.

12. Plan your meals for the day

While you’re eating breakfast #1^, plan out breakfasts #2-5.

13. Give up and start walking

Just park your car where it’s already parked and come back for it later. It’ll still be there.

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