As Featured on News Cult: Don’t Have New Year’s Plans? Here Are Some Ideas

Personally, I’m a fan of not doing anything on New Year’s, because a) I never want to do anything and b) let’s all stop fooling ourselves—it’s not some night of great significance or a promise of change—it’s the same old shitty fucking day that we lived yesterday and will live again tomorrow. So let’s not go out of our way to celebrate or do something special.

But I realize a lot of you actually think there is meaning in life so you go out on New Year’s Eve and do something to mark the occasion. So if you don’t already have plans, here are some ideas for what you can do.

1. Stay in

Of course this is still the best option.

2. Ruminate over all the things you did wrong in 2015

You could turn this into a pity party—invite all of your (non-)friends over and host a story circle where you all go around and list your ‘Mistakes of 2015.’ This one is going to take a while, so I suggest starting a week in advance.

3. Go out into the middle of your street at midnight and bang pots and pans

It’ll be a nice way to piss off your shit neighbors ring in the New Year.

4. Kill yourself

Not condoning suicide here (anyone who could sue me, please take note)—but just sayin’… if you were going to do it anyway, why not really beat the symbolism of the act to death by doing it on NYE? (No pun intended—look how much of a genius I am without even trying).

5. Set off fireworks

This is the only remotely fun celebratory act that exists. Bonus: it’s illegal (in most states). If the cops show up, make sure to run and hide—PROTECT THE ILLICIT GOODS AT ALL COSTS. WHAT IS FREEDOM ABOUT IF NOT THE RIGHT TO SET OFF FIREWORKS. AMERICA.

6. Show up at your ex’s doorstep

And when they open the door, say, “Hey! Thanks so much for inviting me! I’m really glad we can hang out like old times” as you push past them. [Stick to the plan—it doesn’t matter if they are with their family, or their new significant other, or having a party—forge ahead. Channel your character in Oregon Trail and stay the course. Unless your character died. Which they probably did. Bad analogy. Channel Charlie Sheen in his sex life—he’s proceeding no matter what—a little HIV isn’t gonna stop him! (Has it been enough time yet?)].

7. Go camping

By yourself. Ring in the New Year like the rest of the year is going to go (and like every year before that has gone): you, un-showered, alone in the dark, subsisting on instant oatmeal because it’s the only thing you can summon the energy to make—like it’s easier for you to make oatmeal than order in food—because then you’d actually have to put clothes on to open the door. Although I suppose you could just yell to the delivery guy, “Leave it at the door and WALK AWAY!!” à la a hostage situation.

8. Find someone who will have sex with you

Start the New Year off with a bang. [Sorry, had to.] *Please note: you may have to pay them.

9. Hang out with your parents

Because they’re the only people who want to hang out with you.

10. Drink champagne

Preferably a couple of bottles by yourself. Through a crazy straw of course.

11. Play a prank on someone

I suggest reporting a friend to Homeland Security, or proposing to your significant other, or telling your parents you’re pregnant.

Featured on News Cult:

13 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: Don’t Have New Year’s Plans? Here Are Some Ideas

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I used to invite people to do stuff on New Year’s Eve. And then I realized that no one ever responds to the things I suggest doing. So now, New Year’s Eve means an all night, guilt-free bingefest on Netflix because I don’t have to work the next day.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Josh Wrenn says:

    I had one great New Year’s Eve once. Once. The rest of them have all been crap. I ended a long-term relationship over a bad New Year’s Eve (well, that was just the last straw) on New Year’s Day 2000. That night, I met my next. That obviously wasn’t the good one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cheyanne says:

    I tried to go out on NYE ONCE. It was going to be a hundred and some dollars for my friend (ONE) and I to get into a club or something. We just bought a couple bottles of wine and stayed home. Noooooooooope.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s