As Featured on News Cult: My Confessions

On this day that everyone is giving thanks for the fact that we slaughtered, enslaved and oppressed Native Americans, the best way Americans know how—by stuffing their faces—I thought I’d list my confessions instead of what I’m grateful for, cause I ain’t grateful for shit (jk that just sounded cool in my head). I don’t believe in religion so I’ve never been to confessional, but that’s not going to stop me. Consider yourselves my priests, and forgive me, for I have sinned.

1. I kind of think Justin Bieber’s new album is good

So sue me.

2. I laugh at funerals

But to be fair, I laugh at everything.

3. I watch too much crappy reality TV

Ugh. This is my scarlet letter. It’s just so much easier to turn off my brain when I get home from work than watch the news and drown in how fucked up the world will always be. That said, I judge the people on these shows and people who watch these shows hard, and believe strongly that we should all constantly be educating ourselves on meaningful issues. Some may call that hypocrisy; I prefer self-awareness.

4. I love revenge

People say it’s best to “take the high road” and “be the bigger person” and “let things go.” But also, revenge.

5. I don’t think breaking the law is wrong

As long as you don’t get caught. #stopsignsareoptionalifnooneelseisaround

6. I care more about my dog than any human being


She is everything. She is the queen of the world.

7. Cereal is my Kryptonite

I could eat it all day every day. Boxes on boxes.

8. I really don’t care

About anything. #justcan’tdealwithit

9. If you’ve had elective plastic surgery

I hope the silicon leaks into your bloodstream and you die.

10. I’m in love with all of the Trader Joe’s cashiers

Seriously—the cutest, nicest, most fun guys are all concentrated at the Trader Joe’s checkout lines. #minustheHawaiianshirts

11. I think I rock a pretty solid man bun

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19 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: My Confessions

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I also laugh at funerals. I blame my father. About year before he died, we were at a funeral and, as the undertakers(?) closed the casket and turned the crank that apparently locks the body inside, he leaned over and started humming Pop Goes the Weasel… as if the casket were some kind of morbid Jack-in-the-Box. And why do they need to lock the casket anyway? Is it some kind of pre-zombie apocalypse precaution?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Patricia says:

    The funeral of my husbands 102 Hispanic grandmother was a circus and I wanted to laugh but managed to only roll my eyes. The wake lasted almost a week during which we had to sit every day, all day long at the funeral home and watch the drama unfold. His mother passed out, his mother and his aunt took turns throwing themselves on the casket trying to one-up each other, all the five daughters would cry hysterically for the benefit of the crowd, and the women in their heavy make-up, gaudy two piece suits with padded shoulders and ridiculous hats, oh my.🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Christie says:

    Two things. I’m with you on the Justin Bieber thing, and I’m a little ashamed to admit it. It was my 17 year old daughter, never a Bieber fan, who got me listening to his new stuff. A quote from her, “I hope he stops being a dick, because now I’m a Belieber.”

    I love her!

    Also, I am going to start shopping at Trader Joe’s. The Walmart cashiers do nothing for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. bensbitterblog says:

    1. My son and wife like his new song, I can never. But I respect your ability to.
    2. I hope people do at mine.
    3. Uhh duh. Like that is a bad thing? And hypocrisy? I’m more down with that than just about anything else.
    4. I had a guy call me Revengerman (Revenge and Benjamin put together) so you know how I feel about that.
    5. OH MY GOSH, do I love to run stop sign/stop lights early in the morning when no one else is around.
    7. I went through a double pack of Choco Frosted Flakes while at home for the holidays.
    8. about anything…..
    9. Precisely, unlike the faces of anyone who has ever had plastic surgery.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cheyanne says:

    I NEVER go to church of any kind, so I’m ALWAYS super awkward inside them when I do go. I went to a funeral once where the minister was sweating so much every few minutes he had to take a towel and wipe off his face and neck. It was HILARIOUS. And I felt really bad for laughing but I just COULDN’T HELP IT.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mindy says:

    Cereal? Justin Bieber? Reality TV? YES! I’m not even sorry that I enjoy all of these things. Well, Justin Bieber maybe. Is it too la- no. I won’t finish that.

    Liked by 1 person

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