On this day that everyone is giving thanks for the fact that we slaughtered, enslaved and oppressed Native Americans, the best way Americans know how—by stuffing their faces—I thought I’d list my confessions instead of what I’m grateful for, cause I ain’t grateful for shit (jk that just sounded cool in my head). I don’t believe in religion so I’ve never been to confessional, but that’s not going to stop me. Consider yourselves my priests, and forgive me, for I have sinned.
1. I kind of think Justin Bieber’s new album is good
So sue me.
2. I laugh at funerals
But to be fair, I laugh at everything.
3. I watch too much crappy reality TV
Ugh. This is my scarlet letter. It’s just so much easier to turn off my brain when I get home from work than watch the news and drown in how fucked up the world will always be. That said, I judge the people on these shows and people who watch these shows hard, and believe strongly that we should all constantly be educating ourselves on meaningful issues. Some may call that hypocrisy; I prefer self-awareness.
4. I love revenge
People say it’s best to “take the high road” and “be the bigger person” and “let things go.” But also, revenge.
5. I don’t think breaking the law is wrong
As long as you don’t get caught. #stopsignsareoptionalifnooneelseisaround
6. I care more about my dog than any human being
She is everything. She is the queen of the world.
7. Cereal is my Kryptonite
I could eat it all day every day. Boxes on boxes.
8. I really don’t care
About anything. #justcan’tdealwithit
9. If you’ve had elective plastic surgery
I hope the silicon leaks into your bloodstream and you die.
10. I’m in love with all of the Trader Joe’s cashiers
Seriously—the cutest, nicest, most fun guys are all concentrated at the Trader Joe’s checkout lines. #minustheHawaiianshirts
11. I think I rock a pretty solid man bun
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/my-confessions/