As Featured on News Cult: Sentences That Were Said at My Thanksgiving Table

This year, I hosted Thanksgiving. And learned it’s amazing what you can do with basically an Easy-Bake Oven and approximately no counter space. And because the dinner conversation was particularly amusing, I thought I’d share with you some of the sentences that were said at my Thanksgiving table (or Thanksgiving table-adjacent). I’ve left names out here** in an effort to respect other people’s privacy, because apparently not everyone shares every personal detail of their lives online. So I’ll leave it up to you to guess who said what.

“You’ve never had a foreskin so you don’t know if they’re sensitive. HA—I win, by virtue of you being circumcised!”

“… So I told the other parents, ‘If his mom and dad are going to murder him, it’s not going to be here [at the school].”

• Person 1: “Who was your 5th grade choir teacher again?”

Person 2: “Ugh God she was a cunt.”

“Guys, I have a huge crotch hole. Just be advised. We’re on crotch alert!”

“Look at this GORGEOUS foam.” -self-satisfied user of a new milk frother

“Yeah, I saw a photo of him at that restaurant where they make you wear a sombrero on your birthday—he does not like Mexicans.”

• Person 1: “One of his male students is named ‘Marvelous.'”

Person 2: “Is that student a black woman?”

“Why do birds have legs? If I were a bird, I would never walk—why wouldn’t you just fly everywhere?”

• Intense laughter at this:

*The choice of banana cream is significant on so many wonderful levels.

Person 1: “Can you tell I’ve gained a lot of weight?”

Person 2: ” ….. “

Person 1: “Who bought a new pair of Uggs?”

Person 2: “… Me—they were on sale! I’ve never seen Uggs on sale.”

Person 1: How many pairs of shoes do you own?”

Person 2: “Umm… Well you counted once.”

Person 1: “OMG you guys, Sarah Silverman is at the table next to us! She’s wearing full-body sweatpants with a loose bun in her hair. I love how real she is.”

Person 2: “Yeah, that’s how celebrities go out—they try to look low key and casual. That’s why the guy at that other table kept staring at you—you have that same look, so he must’ve thought you were someone famous.”

Person 1: “Oh, you mean because I’m wearing my plus-sized women’s sweater, size X/1X (meanwhile no one knows what the X stands for), and boots with holes in them? Is that your way of telling me I look messy?”

Person 2: ” …. “

• Person 1: “I should dress up as Hitler for Halloween one year and see how well that’s received.”

Everyone else at the table: 

“I have a great idea: I’m gonna go to strip clubs, and instead of throwing singles at them, I’m gonna throw college pamphlets.”

• Person 1: [Barrel rolls down big grassy hill, minus the barrel]

Person 2: “Why did you roll diagonally to the left?”

Person 1: “I don’t know.”

Person 2: “It’s because your hips are wider than your shoulders.”

Person 1: What did you just say?”

Person 2: [Points at Person 1] “Look—it’s true!”

**Please note, “Person 1” and “Person 2” are meant simply to designate dialogue at any given point in time, not specific people.

Featured on News Cult:

15 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: Sentences That Were Said at My Thanksgiving Table

  1. Molly Ade says:

    I had the reincarnation of Lois and Carter Pewterschmidt at my Thanksgiving so this has been really great imagining those two as persons 1 and 2 with a little bit of my 86 year cornbread grandpa in the mix.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. howtobejillian says:

    It is very clear that I went to the wrong thanksgiving. At this one, I would have been appreciated with my stash of bottles of vodka.

    PS I just bought four KS business card holders. Is there a support group somewhere for this?


    Liked by 1 person

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