As Featured on News Cult: My Regrets

Ugh where do I start. How much time do you have. Does every moment of every day count?

Below are my regrets… and counting.

1. All those hours spent watching Vanderpump Rules

2. Eating kale that one time

3. 95% of the guys I’ve been involved with

4. RSVPing to any event, ever

5. The one time I over-plucked my eyebrows

I was so young and naive. And browless for a month.

6. All the overnight camps I was forced to go to went to as a kid

FUCK sleepaway camp. I want my mommy.

7. Agreeing to be set up

#howdoIlose20lbsin2days #ughbutIdon’twanttowearrealpants #thisiswhyIdon’tdate

8. Not buying more Girl Scout Cookies

I could’ve frozen them!! Why didn’t you think ahead, Alex?!

9. That I live in a society with Donald Trump supporters

Some Facebook comments on Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims from entering the U.S.

10. 99% of the times I shave my legs


There always turns out to be no reason for it anyway.

11. Buying so many candles

Like, I just could never burn as many candles as I own. Is there a charity that needs candles?

12. That Barbie exists.


And is marketed towards young girls.

13. Ever giving a shit

Like, there’s just no point.

14. Did I mention the guys I’ve dated?

15. That one time I let one of said guys convince me that ‘spiritual enlightenment’ by way of pot cookies was a sufficient/acceptable/not completely fucking stupid birthday present to me

#24hoursofhell #paranoiaonfleek

16. That I never got a perm

I don’t know, I just feel like I missed out, you know?

17. That the Kardashians haven’t died collectively in a private family plane crash

“Saint”? Really?

18. That I didn’t embrace coffee sooner


I mean, where was I all these years?

Featured on News Cult:


24 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: My Regrets

  1. Cheyanne says:

    I always buy extra Girl Scout cookies. And I put them in the freezer. And EVERY TIME I discover that frozen Girl Scout cookies are MAYBE more delicious than room temperature Girl Scout cookies and an entire box of thin mints is gone in 5 minutes. NOM NOM NOM.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. balletandboxing says:

    You know, there is one small positive to Trump: He makes the Kardashians seem totally relatable and normal and well adjusted.

    P.S. I legit like Kendall Jenner.
    P.P.S. Coffee. Seriously. Waisting time on dates is par for the course in any girl’s life. Missing out on coffee… that was all on you. Terrible. I don’t know how you can work through that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. bensbitterblog says:

    Umm this is just gonna have to be a list comment.
    1. Fer shurrr.
    2. For even thinking about eating kale.
    3. I would have thought 100%, but you were being generous. We apologize for being. SO. STUPID.
    4. If I go to any event, I’m not warning anyone, but mostly I’m crashing.
    5. I know right? I pluck mine like once every seven years and that was way too much.
    6. For me it was Scout campouts. Not one did I ever not regret going to. Indoors always.
    7. All blind dates are the worst. Except for the dates where you actually know the person. Those are the worst too.
    8. Especially the Somoas.
    9. He should go on his own show, called the Reprehensiblist.
    10. Or my face. So many cuts.
    11. Except to burn down places of people you don’t like. IE everyone.
    12. Is there a Bitter Barbie. Now that would be realistic.
    13. Yep.
    14. They need to forearm shiver.
    15. Again, a forearm shiver.
    16. You missed the 80’s. I have so many high school enemies that I could blackmail right now…
    17. Saint Lucifer maybe.
    18. Right?

    Liked by 1 person

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