A girls’ weekend is something that, if you are female, will befall you at some point in your life, if not multiple times. Sentences like, “I gave a handjob in a movie theater once,” will be said, and you will have to figure out a way to survive it. Here’s how.
1. Don’t stop smiling
The smiling will cover up all the hateful feelings you have. And by just smiling, you’ll sound nicer. If we can sound nicer without actually having to be nicer, we’ll take it. Who cares if on the inside you’re hoping that one of them chokes on a Jägerbomb, or that you somehow miraculously have a heart attack and die so you don’t have to endure the rest of the trip—on the outside you’ll be all rainbows and fucking butterflies.
2. Bring a book
Or ten. So when they all decide to don their bikinis and get in the pool, you’ll have a socially acceptable-ish reason to merely sit poolside, without going in. #pooladjacentiscloseenough
3. Take naps
This lessens the amount of time you have to spend in their company. Even if you’re not actually napping, or, like me, are incapable of napping because apparently nothing good ever happens to you in life, feign a nap/plug in your headphones and watch Netflix for 3 hours. If there’s a lock on the door of the bedroom you’ve been relegated to, use it as God intended.
4. Abstain from drinking
Normally I’d encourage you to drink away the weekend and dull the pain, but a sober pedestal is all the better to judge them and their drunken idiocy from.
Wherever you’re staying. Go on walks. Even if it’s in the bum-fuck middle of nowhere desert-ville. Surely you can find a Starbucks if you walk long enough. Again, less time in the company of others. And if exercising (which, let’s be honest, walking is for us) means more time away from other people, we’ll do what we have to do.
6. Ask the other girls questions about themselves
People love to talk about themselves, so just get them going so you don’t have to say anything, and then spend the time they’re talking daydreaming about pasta, or a world in which women are treated as equal to men, or going to bed by 9 PM on a Friday—they’ll still be there, blabbering, when you come back to reality.
7. Bring work with you
Even if you don’t have any—make it up. Say you have to get some work done so you can’t join their game of “Never Have I Ever,” or get in on the group FaceTime with the guy one of them is currently ‘talking to‘ (what the fuck does that even mean?? I talk to the bag boy at Ralphs—does that mean we’re fucking?), or go to the bar at a ridiculously late hour and try to impress the ring of guys standing around the dance floor, sizing up their prey, when you literally only brought sweatpants to wear and everyone else is in crop tops and platform shoes—we’re talking Ginger Spice-level platforms.
8. Say daily positive affirmations
You won’t feel like you fit in, and that’s because you won’t fit in, so really you just need to survive. And if that means telling yourself three times each morning that you’re not the worst and that somebody somewhere loves you, even if it’s only the one old man in your apartment complex who stalks you and wears fedoras, it’s still someone.
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