Month: December 2015

As Featured on News Cult: What to Do When Someone Ghosts You

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Ghosting: when someone straight up disappears after you’ve been in seemingly promising contact with them. I think we’ve all been guilty of ghosting and, probably more frequently, been victims of it (or, as I like to call it, ghostees). The latter is not super fun, but fret not—at this point I’m pretty much an expert ghostee—like, it’s basically what I do for a living. On my resume, “ghostee” is listed as every job I’ve ever had. Being ditched without explanation is my main hobby, my special skill, my everything—so I’m well-equipped to tell you how to deal with it.

First, sign them up for Scientology

  

Take the personality test on their behalf, use all of their personal contact info, set them up for an in-person introductory meeting and everything. They thought they could get away with flaking and never having to talk to you again? Well they have another thing coming, because Scientology is the Herpes of “religions”—once you have contact, it never goes away. It follows up with you at unexpected times, you try but you can’t shake it, and you’re ashamed to tell anyone about it. Once in the Scientology database, always in the Scientology database.

Then threaten to kill their mother

Just to make sure they know who has the power in this situation.

Remind yourself it’s them, not you

You’re a perfect unicorn, obviously. So clearly you did nothing to provoke the ghosting. Except maybe be too perfect. Perfection is intimidating to those who are imperfect, you know.

Report them to the FBI for a bomb threat

Topical.

Troll their social media

Just because they want nothing to do with you doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to know what/who they’re doing every minute of every day.

Eat emotionally

Never fails. To make you feel even worse about yourself.

Remind them that you’re not going anywhere

Put a reminder in your calendar to send them a weekly text. E.g.:

•”I’m as dedicated to sticking around as the ring in my toilet, motherfucker.”

-or-

• “I know where you live and am familiar with the permit parking regulations on your block so I am adequately prepared to come for you.”

-or-

• “Hey! Hope all is well… Haven’t heard from you in 47 weeks, so I’m optimistic that you’ve died, but just wanted to check in to be sure.”

Settle for someone who won’t ghost you

Yes, the only guy who persistently asks you out is basically a leper, but at least he’ll never leave you. There’s something to be said for stalkers loyalty.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/what-to-do-when-someone-ghosts-you/

 

As Featured on News Cult: How to Kill It on a Blind Date

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For those of you so desperate for love that you agree/ask to be set up, here’s how you kill it on a blind date.

1. Bring up Hitler

Impressions are ideal.

Works every time.

2. Be honest

•”I currently have a wedgie.”

•”While I completely support the principles behind veganism, I kind of can’t stand vegans… (Are you a vegan?)”

•”I haven’t showered in 4 days. Maybe 5. There’s no way to be sure.”

3. Order the most expensive and/or fattiest thing on the menu

Both choices make you look good.

4. Don’t offer to pay

Just look at your date expectantly when the bill comes. #can’tstresstheimportanceofunbreakingeyecontactinalllifesituationsenough #confrontationiskey

5. Make lots of jokes

Especially if it seems like they don’t understand your sense of humor. Just keep on going. Forge ahead. Some suggestions:

•Offensive humor; i.e. racist jokes, pedophile jokes, suicide jokes, etc.

•Self-deprecating humor; i.e. “I don’t know why you’re here right now; I mean, I wouldn’t date me. And I certainly wouldn’t fuck me, so I just honestly feel bad for you.”

•Criticism humor; i.e. “Yikes, you’re rocking a very special-ed haircut” or “Oof, apparently the camera subtracts ten pounds” or “I find your babbling capabilities infinite.”

6. Get super drunk

Like, shittier than shitty. Loosen up. Socially lubricate the situation.

7. Offer them cocaine

Don’t take no for an answer. And when they accept, say that you’re just gonna need them to find and buy some, and then you guys will be good to go.

8. Criticize their religion.

Whatever it is. Or isn’t.

9. Ask them who they’re voting for in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election

(Hint: the correct answer is Bernie Sanders)

10. Tell them what STDs you have

Just tryna be upfront, bro.

11. Ask lots of considerate questions

•”So how bout you… Herpes? Gonorrhea? Warts?”

•”I’m guessing, by your apparent intelligence level, that you didn’t get a college degree. But if you did, where’d you go? ITT Tech?”

•”Are you an only child? You have the social skills of one.“

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/awkward-make-awkward-kill-blind-date/

As Featured on News Cult: Moving Tips

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Moving is the most stressful thing in the world. In the first world. In the white world. But still, stressful. I hate it so much. The only things I hate more than moving are myself and exercise. 99% of the nightmares I have when I sleep are about moving. I wake up in a cold sweat, panicked at the mere thought. 

So since it sucks so hard, here are some tips to make moving less painful.

1. Get rid of 90% of your shit

Donate it to Good Will, or hospice, or starving children somewhere. Less to pack = less to carry = less to unpack = less work. And we LIVE for less work.

2. Hire movers

I know we’re supposed to be motivated, self-determined Americans pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, but let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve hired a couple of Mexicans to bubble wrap all your furniture, load and unload it, and get insulted when the only beverage you have to offer them is Corona Light.

3. Stockpile cardboard boxes, bubble wrap, and tissue paper in advance

Find a place to hoard it in your abode, because at some point in the future, you will need it when you move (unless you’re a functional adult who has their life together and is settled down and stable and know what you want in life and have goals and a purpose so you won’t be needing to move because you’re planting roots and you’re just so fucking fantastic why don’t you buy yourself a gold medal). I know it’s a pain in the ass to find room to keep it amongst all of your other useless belongings, but if you don’t, you’ll regret it when moving time rolls around and you have to spend $1500 dollars on boxes and packing materials at Staples.

4. Pack ahead of time

Split it up by room, and dedicate a couple days to each. Don’t wait to pack until the day before, because you’re guaranteed to then have a complete mental breakdown, having not slept for 24 hours and grossly underestimated the depth of your closets. #theylooksoshallow #lookscanbedeceiving #don’tbesoshallow #reallypleasedwithmyselfforthatwordplay

5. Purge your stuff at least once per year

Do a donation haul every Christmas—because it’s generous and then you don’t become a hoarder who can’t move because you literally have too many belongings so you’re stuck forever, slowly building enough of a mess that rats move in and live under your bed and in your pipes and shit in your microwave and cockroaches become your only bedfellows and you die alone, trapped in the measly corner of your bed that’s not covered by newspapers, and they’ll have to demo your house and lift your rotting corpse out by crane—that is, if it isn’t too heavy for the crane. #what’sthemaximumweightcapacityforanindustrialcrane #weaskbecausewe’reprettysturdy

6. Enlist your friends’ help

Anyone you’ve ever given a ride to the airport, bought coffee, listened to bitch about their pathetic life—now is the time to collect those debts.

7. Rent a truck

One large trip is better than 50 smaller ones back and forth in your sedan. Plus, you driving an industrial vehicle is pretty hilarious. #youthoughtyourblindspotsinyourregularcarwerebad

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/road-7-helpful-moving-tips/

As Featured on News Cult: Why Dogs are Better Than People

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People are horrible. We know this. But dogs–dogs are everything. Dog people are still the worst but at least they’re dog people–cat people, on the other hand, are the Devil’s spawn. Cat people are worse than just regular people. 

Here’s why dogs are better than ALL people. 

1. They don’t judge you

 Even when you’re at your most judgment-worthy. 

2. They appreciate the value of sleeping all day 

3. They appreciate the value of food

4. They’ll spoon you

Hey, no one else not many people will. 

5. They’ll love you no matter what


Maybe because you give them food, but still, love is love. And you’re pretty unlovable so that says a lot. 

6. They’ll never ditch you


Maybe because you have them on a leash, but still, loyalty is loyalty. 

7. They’ll tell you how they really feel

They don’t wanna walk? They’ll park it. They don’t appreciate your tone? They’ll snap at you. You bore them? They’ll fall asleep right in the middle of you confiding in them about how you aren’t thrilled with the way your diet of Pop Tarts and Tootsie Rolls has manifested itself in your thighs. 

8. Did I mention they’ll spoon you?

Even with your soft, shitty body. 

9. They can get down with not bathing that often

 /haven’t cared enough to. #tbh

10. They’re low maintenance 

 Eat, shit, walk, repeat. #tooeasytobetrue

11. They’re friendly

Generally, they express compassion and they want you around. When you enter the room, they actually get excited. When you enter a room full of people, there are audible groans of disappointment.

12. They’ll protect you

No human is going to stand guard at your door. Unless you pay them. No person is going to growl at your shitty drug dealer neighbors and their asshole Rottweiler. No boyfriend or girlfriend is going to alert you to an intruder. Because you’re alone in life and don’t have one, but even if you did–they’d be too busy neglecting your emotional needs. 

13. They have intuition 

No human being, besides Oprah, has trustworthy gut feelings. But your dog, when you’re crying in a ball on the floor, knows you need comforting. They don’t have to ask–they’ll just come sit on top of you. 

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/13-definitive-reasons-dogs-better-people/