As Featured on News Cult: How to Curse Someone

When you are wronged, you must seek justice, but in the most subtle of ways, because nothing is quite so sweet as revenge that takes its victim off guard, and also then you can’t be blamed for whatever misfortune befalls your foe. Enter: the curse. I’m not saying you have to believe in witchcraft or hold ritualistic sacrificial blood oath ceremonies or spend hours into the night pricking your collection of voodoo dolls (although you totally can—I’ve heard worse ideas), but just give the power of thinking a shot. Focus your energy on hoping really hard that one of the below things happens to your target, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. #karmahasnodeadline

1. I hope you get less than 10 likes on ALL your Instagram posts!

The powerful difference between:

And:

2. Step on a Lego! Actually,  I hope you step on a whole Lego house. We’re talking Ed Sheeran, here—a fucking Lego NEIGHBORHOOD.

3. I hope you cry a river and promptly drown in it.

4. I hope your rent is raised a more than manageable amount!

5. I hope that your narcissistic insecurity leads you to the decision to get plastic surgery and that it turns out really badly and that deals a crushing blow to any chance you might have ever had of feeling the tiniest bit good about yourself.

6. I hope you get at least three cavities at once, preferably at regular intervals. #flossingcan’tsaveyounow

7. May your inbox never get down to 0!

8. I hope you drank the water in Flint.

9. I hope you send an important document via regular mail and it gets lost! #should’vegonewithcertified

10. I hope your CVS receipt strangles you.

11. I hope you fall into a pit of glitter.

12. I hope all of your flights from here to eternity are delayed so that you miss all of your connections and lose all of your baggage. In fact, I hope you only ever get to take flights WITH stops and are banned from flying Southwest so you never get free peanuts or occasionally free Chex Mix or those little heart-shaped drink stirrer thingies and your bags will never fly free again!

13. I hope your smoking habit finally pays off and you die swiftly but painfully of the worst possible stage of lung cancer. #sohehuffedandhepuffedandhedroppedthefuckdead

14. May you be audited by the IRS.

15. I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Ann Coulter before she’s eaten her celery for the day.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/put-curse-someone-youre-twenty-something/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Guys About Condoms

Men, the brilliant pieces of shit that they are, don’t like to use condoms. Or maybe it’s just the assholes I’ve dated. Either way, condom use is a negotiation, the navigation of which requires special skill. Which is bullshit, but what else is new in gender relations/sexual politics/dating/interpersonal relationships/having to deal with people in any context ever.

1. Remind them of how sex works

Apparently they didn’t pay attention in 7th grade health class. Pulling out doesn’t work, gentlemen. To be successful, it would require precision, calculation, and thought, none of which you are capable of. If you have sex without a form of birth control, spoiler alert: the chance of pregnancy goes way up. If you have sex without condoms—just stick with me on this one, I know it’s hard to wrap your head around—your chances of spreading STDs goes way up. What’s that, men? Condoms feel less pleasurable? Awwww, I’m so sorry for you—I mean, between all of the male privilege and all of the male privilege you face on a daily basis, that must just be really tough on you.

2. Tell them you have STDs

I don’t care if you actually have any or not. If you say, “Well okay, I guess we won’t use a condom and then you may just get Syphilis from me…” they’ll be unwrapping those Trojans like the Patriarchy depends on it.

3. Ask them for their STD status

Ten bucks says they won’t know or have been checked recently. And even if they do/have, there are things that they can’t be tested for, like HPV, or they could have a dormant case of Herpes, so then you get to put the pressure on them and say, “I don’t know where your dick has been, but I tend to sleep with terrible men, so it’s probably been in some questionable-at-best places, and I’m sure as shit not risking my sexual health when my odds are about as good as a priest’s who tries to walk past a playground without jacking off.”

4. Refuse to have sex without a condom

Simply refuse. Guys will take sex with a condom over no sex any day, given they are simple creatures, driven by their base, most under-evolved, instincts. #theyreallyshouldbeputinazoo

5. Involve your doctor

Have her give the guy a call—just a friendly reminder that he’s a fucking idiot if he doesn’t think he needs to use condoms. And it can’t hurt for her to send him an accompanying email with some JPEGs of wart-encrusted genitals attached.

6. Ask him if he would like to get pregnant

Until you get a signed affidavit from him saying he would willingly piss out a watermelon, he can go fuck himself because you surely won’t be.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/talk-guys-condoms/

As Featured on News Cult: What to Do When You Get a Flat Tire

Apparently my life motto is, “Alex Eason: taking on all of the world’s car problems so you don’t have to.” As a newly anointed expert on the subject of flat tires, here’s my how-to guide for dealing with them.

1. Panic

You learned how to change a tire once in high school, but oh are those glory days long gone, so you’re SOL up the creek on this one, sans paddle if you know what I mean. Call your dad, obviously. Then lament your misfortune while you cry, of course. Be heavily disappointed in yourself for reinforcing sexist stereotypes, but then remember that every guy you’ve ever dated/every guy you’ve ever worked for/every guy you’ve ever met can’t change his own tire either and feel smugly vindicated that their bitch asses are just as useless as yours.

2. Lie on the ground and give up, because there is clearly no point to living anymore.

3. Call roadside assistance

Because you’re a pathetic excuse for an adult. This is why you get AAA. Or, you could rely on the roadside assistance that came with your car, and 5 hours + 2 cancelled tows later, you’ll be on your way to the mechanic in a tow truck that feels like an earthquake simulator and a driver that’s high, but don’t worry, because he can show you where the only Fatburger in/around LA County that didn’t sell out and still serves wings in a sweet and tangy orange sauce is.

4. Ask if it can be patched

Usually, if the flat is caused by something like a nail in the tread, it can be patched, as opposed to damage to the side wall. Patching is way less expensive than replacing a tire and is totally sufficient. #webroke

5. If you find out it was not an accident, but that somebody slashed it…

Find out who that person is, and then exact revenge in ways they’ve never even heard of (their credit score? Decimated. Their name? On the No Fly List. Herpes? Contracted for the sole purpose of spreading; successfully spread). What they didn’t consider when they slashed your tire is that you’d be able to find out it was them, by means beyond their wildest dreams, and now you get to haunt their every waking moment, which will be plagued by the relentlessly terrorizing knowledge that you know, and you know they know you know, and any instant, a metaphorical bomb could drop (or a real one—just make sure you do it with the stealth of Obama in the drone wars), and BAM—poof goes their illusion that they could get away with fucking with you. Silly rabbit, we don’t get fucked—we fuck. #wedothefucking

6. Leave the shitty tow company that cancels on you a bad Yelp review

Screen Shot 2016-01-19 at 11.47.30 PM     Screen Shot 2016-01-11 at 11.29.48 AM

Finally make good on your threat to leave a Yelp review.

7. Become friends with the mechanic

He’ll laugh at the “I ❤ MY PENIS” air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror, and you’ll tell him that it’s supposed to be a joke but also kind of a feminist statement, and he’ll respond with, “it’s cute,” and then he’ll tell you he’s impressed that you drive a stick because not many girls do, and you’ll be so tempted to point out all of the patriarchal things wrong with alll of that, but you bite your tongue because anything in the name of getting things for free, right? #it’shardoutthereforafeminist

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/7-ways-handle-flat-tire-like-adult/

As Featured on News Cult: Why I’m Not Voting for Hillary Clinton, Even if She Wins the Nomination

Pick your jaws up off the floor, fellow liberal minds, and before you accuse me of treason, hear me out. I’ve already explained why I’m voting for Bernie Sanders. But, perhaps what is more important, is why I will not vote for Hillary Clinton, even if she ends up winning the Democratic nomination. Why? Let me count the ways…

She is a warmonger

She voted for the Iraq War, and we all know how well that turned out. Regarding her vote, she has said: “I thought I had acted in good faith and made the best decision I could with the information I had. And I wasn’t alone in getting it wrong.” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard such a childish attempt at excusing “one of the worst foreign policy blunders in the history of the United States,” as Bernie Sanders—who, with the same information as Clinton, voted no on the same war—aptly calls the Iraq War, (in no small part because it resulted in the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent lives).

Additionally, Clinton’s disastrous intervention and push for regime change in Libya, which she asserts was justified based on the unsubstantiated claim that Gaddafi was going to massacre the people of Benghazi, resulted in the irreparable “postwar chaos that’s left Libya without a functioning government, overrun by feuding warlords and extremist militants.” But rather than recognize or admit to the deadly consequences of her actions in Libya, Clinton has opted instead to betray her militaristic nature by saying things like, “We came, we saw, he died,” about the killing of Gaddafi.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Clinton wants to force yet another regime change in Syria by ousting Assad, which is an inherently flawed plan, and her proposal for a ‘no-fly’ zone in Syria is tantamount to declaring war against Syria and Russia.

Plus, the cherry on top: she is advised on foreign policy by the same firm that advises Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio—GOP candidates who both expressed “understanding” for Donald Trump’s bigoted proposal to ban Muslims from the U.S.

She is a liar

For example, in the Democratic presidential debate in New Hampshire on December 19 , 2015, Clinton claimed that Bernie Sanders’ proposed single-payer healthcare system would cost the U.S. government “$18 to $20 trillion.” This is a lie. In fact, Sanders’ proposal would save nearly $5 trillion dollars over 10 years.

In the same debate, Clinton claimed that only “3% of [her] donations come from people in the finance and investment world” and she has “more donations from students and teachers than [she does] from people associated with Wall Street.” This is, at best, an untruth aimed at misleading voters into thinking she’s not in Wall Street’s pocket, but rather is an ally to the working class, the average man, the 99%. In fact, Wall Street has contributed more than double 3% of her campaign funds. Additionally, Clinton has received about $2.5 million in itemized campaign contributions from the securities, investments, and commercial banking industries (i.e. “Wall Street”), plus more than $3.5 million in contributions by Wall Street to Super PACs that back her. On the other hand, she’s only received $747,493 “from those who self-identified as ‘students,'” and “those who said they were “teachers” have provided $518,495.” (Contrast this with Sanders, who has gotten record-breaking numbers of individual donations, averaging less than $30 each).

Additionally, in Sunday’s Democratic debate, Clinton essentially blamed Bernie Sanders’ for the 2008 economic crash as a consequence of the passing of the Commodity Futures Modernization Act (CFMA)—a bill which was signed into law by Hillary’s husband, then-President Bill Clinton, one month before he left office, and of which, as Robert Scheer writes, “a key author was Gary Gensler, the former Goldman Sachs partner recruited by Clinton to be undersecretary of the treasury… Today, Gensler is the top economic adviser to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign.”

She is inconsistent

Clinton seems to vote according to trends. Again, she voted for the Iraq War like a teen would excuse his underage drinking: ‘well everyone else was doing it!’—and now that it’s popular to denounce it, she does so. But apparently not one to learn from her mistakes, she made sure to leave her mark as secretary of state with Libya, which was essentially her Iraq. She’s also gone back and forth on supporting gay marriage. It’s fair to say the one thing she has not flip-flopped on over the years is her loyalty to bad pantsuits and that tacky haircut.

She is corrupt with greed

Not only does Hillary have an affinity for Wall Street and Super PACs, but, according to Forbes, her net worth is $45 million—and, of course, the two are not unrelated—between 2013 and 2015, she made over $2.9 million by making 12 speeches to big banks. And the lengths she will go in the name of greed don’t stop there: she also approved increases in weapons sales to Clinton Foundation donors. To top it off, she was a “proud” member of the Walmart board of directors for 6 years—arguably one of the most corrupt corporations, renowned for its poor, not to mention illegal, treatment of workers and child laborers.

In contrast, Bernie Sanders, whose net worth is estimated by Forbes at $700k, denounces Super PACs, has gotten only $47,187 in campaign contributions from Wall Street, and is intent on breaking up the big banks and their “greed and corruption that led to the 2008 financial crisis.” It seems to me that as a ‘public servant,’ an elected official’s job is to spend his or her career attempting to better the lives of the public, not amassing private, excessive wealth.

Considering all of these facts, I cannot in good conscience vote for Hillary Clinton. I hear a lot of people say it’s better to vote for her than a Republican—the idea being that “liberal”/Democrat, in any form, is better than “conservative”/Republican. But that kind of bandwagoneering is exactly what politicians and the media rely on to sway our votes. They’re counting on the fact that we won’t look past Hillary’s socially liberal shell and dig deeper into the truth of who she is and what she really represents. They’re banking on the fact that because popular celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Amy Schumer, and Lena Dunham have recklessly, irresponsibly, publicly endorsed Clinton, we are going to mindlessly follow in their footsteps. They’re relying on the female vote for Hillary—because it would be un-feminist not to. 

Well fuck that. By that logic, it would be racist not to vote for Ben Carson, the raging psychotic bag of shit that he is. Fuck the lesser of two evils argument—why vote for any evil? If we don’t take stands as matters of principles, we are sending the message that we are complicit. And I am not complicit in what Hillary Clinton represents.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/im-not-voting-hillary-clinton-even-wins-nomination/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Tell Someone Off

Being able to effectively tell someone off is an important life skill, because everyone is terrible. As someone who frequently encounters the need to tell people off, but struggles with how to do so—because confrontation is uncomfy, whether in a professional, romantic, or platonic context—allow me to share what I’ve learned on the subject so you can hopefully have an easier time expressing to your nemeses just exactly where they can shove it. 

1. Do it

It’s kind of scary to tell someone off, even though they’re the one in the wrong. But you’ve just got to get over your nerves and do it. As I like to say, ball up—or, ovary up. Bullies rely on peoples’ weakness and fear. So they’re expecting you to cower, not to stand up for yourself. Which is why it’s that much sweeter when you do tell them off, because it completely catches them by surprise and takes the wind out of their overinflated sales. You’re a motherfucking sparkling shining throwing star hurtling right at them and they’ll never see it coming.

2. Be straight and to the point 

You want to leave emotion out of it and no room for misinterpretation/manipulation of your words. Just state the facts, without over-explaining or being apologetic. Bullet points are helpful if you’re doing this in an email. As are sound effects. E.g. as you type the below bullet points, yell out “BAM” after each one.

-‘Let me be very clear—your lack of professionalism rivals even Bill Clinton’s circa Monica Lewinsky, and I will not stand for it.’ [“BAM“]

-‘The way you speak to me is inappropriate, disrespectful, and completely unacceptable. I am not Donald Sterling’s girlfriend. I will not tolerate it.’ [“BAM“]

-‘You have failed to do your job and fulfill your obligations—for a minute, I thought I was a resident of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina and you were FEMA. This needs to change.’ [“BAM“]

I don’t care if you’re alone at home or on your computer at a crowded coffee shop full of people who don’t have real jobs but want to convince themselves they do “writers”—saying these sound effects out loud will really add a dose of BAMF to the situation.

3. Take no prisoners

Listen, as with every bout of psychological warfare, there are going to be casualties. Maybe the person you’re about to tell off used to be a good friend, or maybe they’re a co-worker you have to see and interact with every day, or maybe they’re your soon-to-be ex-significant other, so you kind of dread the fall out. But, such is life. Clearly this person is a toxic presence in your life, and it’s time to take out the trash. #maythebridgesyouburnlighttheway

4. Make it clear you don’t give a shit about this person

Or what they think of you. People who require telling off are power-hungry control freaks. They like thinking they’re the dominant one, and that you have some fear of or admiration for them. Which is why it’s so fun to pull the rug out from under them and make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that you couldn’t give less fucks, unless it’s possible to give negative fucks, about them. If you were on a sinking ship together, you would have no concern for their ability to make it safely onto a lifeboat. If you were on a crashing plane together, you would put on your oxygen mask first and not hesitate to not assist them with theirs. You could hear that they died and frankly it would put a little pep in your step. In the courageous and insightful words of Big Sean: “I got a million trillion things I’d rather fuckin’ do than to be fuckin’ with you, lil stupid ass bitch. I don’t give a fuck about you, or anything that you do.”

5. Remember it doesn’t matter how they react

You can’t control how they respond to you, so do what you do best, and don’t care. They could, and probably will, blow up. They may scream, they may yell, they may shit talk you to other people, they may slash your tires—none of that is your fault, and all you have to do in reaction is maintain composure and let them be the architect of their own undoing. Of course you can and should and will still destroy them, because nobody gets away with treating you like that, but do so with subtle revenge tactics—we’re talking Shakespearean combat. On the outside, you’re all smiles, rainbows and bright-eyed fucking bushy-tailed bunnies.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/tell-someone-off-without-total-bitch/

As Featured on News Cult: How to be Happy for Someone

Let’s face it, we’re never happy for anyone—we want them to be just as miserable as we are. But, as Oprah would tell us, we should really work on that. If only because it will benefit us—it’s just easier to not be jealous, bitter that someone else has something that we want, or hold a grudge. So channel that laziness that you’ve worked really hard to perfect and attempt to actually be happy for someone. Whether they’re getting married, or got the job they wanted, or think their new haircut is really cool even though it’s just not personally your taste and looks a little tacky. Here’s how you do it.

Pretend

Ok so maybe you don’t have to genuinely be happy— I think Hillary Clinton put it best when she said, “a little lying never hurt anybody, right?” What difference does it make to the other person, anyways? They won’t know that on the inside you’re seething with rage and picturing them as the protagonist in Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Pit and the Pendulum.”

Focus on all of the pathetic things about the person

It’s so much easier to not begrudge someone their good fortune if you take time to meticulously inventory and bask in every one of their deficiencies.

Convince yourself you don’t want what they have

I mean, unless what they have is a lifetime supply of leggings, ice cream, and a memory foam couch, I see no reason to let jealousy get in the way of your happiness for them.

Remember the benefit to you

Cling to it—when you feel like letting go, remember that we’re only doing this because it will make us feel better. Come back to your center and remember that everything revolves around it.

Life’s not a competition

Contrary to every elementary school track and field day ever, the point is not to win, or beat anyone, or even measure up to them—someone has to be the loser, so it may as well be you.

Remind yourself that happiness breeds happiness

Kumba-fucking-ya.

Listen, if you want a shot in Hell at ever feeling remotely happy, you’ve gotta spread the love, man. I feel like if you walk around hating everyone and everything, it’s just a self-fulfilling, prophetic cycle of cynicism and negativity. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a great way to live and I embrace it fully, but if you believe in ‘what goes around comes around’—and, how could you not, when Justin Timberlake has said it—maybe you have to give a little happiness to get a little. Or don’t, and continue living your miserable life—I don’t give a fuck.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/becoming-better-person-happy-someone/