As Featured on News Cult: How to be More Confident

We struggle with being confident—for some reason that’s beyond me, because we are perfect unicorn angels, after all. But the pressures of society and our dickwad peers get to us and are the ultimate cock block to self-esteem. So we have to make an effort to bulldoze through those hoops of confidence-smashing, soul-crushing fire and believe that we’re great and worthy and deserving of good things anyways. Here are some tips for how to do that.

Remember Kenny G

Listen, if he’s allowed to exist and not hate himself, you certainly should be, too. #whodoeshethinkheis,notevenputtingaperiodaftertheG #therulesofgrammarstillapplytoyou,bro

Accept that validation can’t come from the outside

Listen, as much as you want your hunky co-worker, or your judgmental grandmother, or your skinny blonde hairstylist to approve of you, your self-worth isn’t defined by anyone but you. So quit relying on other people to validate your existence, because, spoiler alert, you’re never going to be good enough for everyone. Not because you’re actually not good enough, but because other people have standards that have nothing to do with you and therefore that you shouldn’t be trying to meet. And just generally who the fuck cares what anyone thinks? At the end of the day, spoiler alert numero dos: you’re all you have, so the only person that has to put up with you, is you. So make that bed cozy and warm, because you’re gonna have to lay thine head down to sleep each and every night in it. And eventually die in it. #hopefullysoonerthanlater #beoreyoufreakoutandthinkI’msuicidaltakeamomenttoconsiderhowmuchofaburdenyourgrandparentsaretoeveryonearoundthem #eventhebankteller #dieyoungbeforeyoubecomeanimposition

Realize that you’re actually awesome

You may not believe it, but I, along with your parents, am here to tell you. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re painfully human, you’re real, you’re beautiful in your own way. You’re great. Not because you meet a list of arbitrary requirements that equals “hot” as dictated by Cosmo, and not because you only ate three celery sticks today and finally fit into those jeans, and not because you got a great LSAT score or you make 6 figures—you’re great for just being you, flawed, confused, and disgusting as you are. Seriously, you’re a winner for just getting out of bed in the morning. Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed each and every morning? Harder than watching Hillary Clinton pretend she’s got the interests of the middle class at heart. You are stellar for just showing up and refusing to throw in the towel, day in and monotonous day out.

Forget looks

I think most of us base our confidence largely on our appearance. Which, when simply put, is blatantly absurd. Yet, with this image-obsessed society we live in, how could you not? Which is why you have to make an intentional effort to defy the beauty standards that are pushed on you every moment of every day. I personally like to do this by refusing to shower, shave my legs, wash my hair, put on makeup, exercise, not eat doughnuts, and other forms of conscientious objection. If you honestly believe your self-worth is bundled up in the size of your thigh gap, or lack thereof, you are in for a sad, disappointing remainder of your life. Why? Because looks fade. And change. Constantly. And trying to look like Barbie is, by definition, impossible, unrealistic and unsustainable. So chuck those expectations right out the window like you did your hopes and dreams upon graduating college and being in the real world for approximately two minutes. And if you’re hanging out with people who care mostly about looks, ditch those jokers like they’re moldy cottage cheese. Because that’s exactly what they are: toxic.

Look around

No one—I repeat, no one—is doing any better than you. They may seem like they are, or pretend like they are, but they’re just as unsure of themselves as you are. So if your lack of confidence comes from constantly comparing yourself to others, and feeling like they have more reason to be confident, cut it out. It’s easy to look at someone else and say, “gee, they really have it great.” But you don’t know what skeletons are in their closets, keeping them up at night, or what lengths they have to go to in order to maintain the appearance of having one’s shit together, or just how much they’re spending on laser hair removal. And it’s safe to say that they’ve got a lot more issues than you’re giving them credit for. So if you’re going to yearn for anything they have, let it be the ability to project confidence when there is really no underlying justification to do so. If they’re faking it til they make it and fooling you, you’re certainly capable of doing the same. All this is to say, look around and focus on everyone else’s shortcomings, misfortunes, and misery, and revel in it.

Featured on News Cult:

14 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How to be More Confident

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s