As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Guys About Condoms

Men, the brilliant pieces of shit that they are, don’t like to use condoms. Or maybe it’s just the assholes I’ve dated. Either way, condom use is a negotiation, the navigation of which requires special skill. Which is bullshit, but what else is new in gender relations/sexual politics/dating/interpersonal relationships/having to deal with people in any context ever.

1. Remind them of how sex works

Apparently they didn’t pay attention in 7th grade health class. Pulling out doesn’t work, gentlemen. To be successful, it would require precision, calculation, and thought, none of which you are capable of. If you have sex without a form of birth control, spoiler alert: the chance of pregnancy goes way up. If you have sex without condoms—just stick with me on this one, I know it’s hard to wrap your head around—your chances of spreading STDs goes way up. What’s that, men? Condoms feel less pleasurable? Awwww, I’m so sorry for you—I mean, between all of the male privilege and all of the male privilege you face on a daily basis, that must just be really tough on you.

2. Tell them you have STDs

I don’t care if you actually have any or not. If you say, “Well okay, I guess we won’t use a condom and then you may just get Syphilis from me…” they’ll be unwrapping those Trojans like the Patriarchy depends on it.

3. Ask them for their STD status

Ten bucks says they won’t know or have been checked recently. And even if they do/have, there are things that they can’t be tested for, like HPV, or they could have a dormant case of Herpes, so then you get to put the pressure on them and say, “I don’t know where your dick has been, but I tend to sleep with terrible men, so it’s probably been in some questionable-at-best places, and I’m sure as shit not risking my sexual health when my odds are about as good as a priest’s who tries to walk past a playground without jacking off.”

4. Refuse to have sex without a condom

Simply refuse. Guys will take sex with a condom over no sex any day, given they are simple creatures, driven by their base, most under-evolved, instincts. #theyreallyshouldbeputinazoo

5. Involve your doctor

Have her give the guy a call—just a friendly reminder that he’s a fucking idiot if he doesn’t think he needs to use condoms. And it can’t hurt for her to send him an accompanying email with some JPEGs of wart-encrusted genitals attached.

6. Ask him if he would like to get pregnant

Until you get a signed affidavit from him saying he would willingly piss out a watermelon, he can go fuck himself because you surely won’t be.

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12 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Guys About Condoms

  1. Josh Wrenn says:

    I just can’t believe this is even a question. Who would even be like, “well, It’ll feel better, but I have a much higher chance of it falling off after, so I’ll risk it.”? I mean, who on Earth does that? And yes, we really should probably be put in a zoo.

    Liked by 2 people

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