As Featured on News Cult: How to Curse Someone

When you are wronged, you must seek justice, but in the most subtle of ways, because nothing is quite so sweet as revenge that takes its victim off guard, and also then you can’t be blamed for whatever misfortune befalls your foe. Enter: the curse. I’m not saying you have to believe in witchcraft or hold ritualistic sacrificial blood oath ceremonies or spend hours into the night pricking your collection of voodoo dolls (although you totally can—I’ve heard worse ideas), but just give the power of thinking a shot. Focus your energy on hoping really hard that one of the below things happens to your target, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. #karmahasnodeadline

1. I hope you get less than 10 likes on ALL your Instagram posts!

The powerful difference between:

And:

2. Step on a Lego! Actually,  I hope you step on a whole Lego house. We’re talking Ed Sheeran, here—a fucking Lego NEIGHBORHOOD.

3. I hope you cry a river and promptly drown in it.

4. I hope your rent is raised a more than manageable amount!

5. I hope that your narcissistic insecurity leads you to the decision to get plastic surgery and that it turns out really badly and that deals a crushing blow to any chance you might have ever had of feeling the tiniest bit good about yourself.

6. I hope you get at least three cavities at once, preferably at regular intervals. #flossingcan’tsaveyounow

7. May your inbox never get down to 0!

8. I hope you drank the water in Flint.

9. I hope you send an important document via regular mail and it gets lost! #should’vegonewithcertified

10. I hope your CVS receipt strangles you.

11. I hope you fall into a pit of glitter.

12. I hope all of your flights from here to eternity are delayed so that you miss all of your connections and lose all of your baggage. In fact, I hope you only ever get to take flights WITH stops and are banned from flying Southwest so you never get free peanuts or occasionally free Chex Mix or those little heart-shaped drink stirrer thingies and your bags will never fly free again!

13. I hope your smoking habit finally pays off and you die swiftly but painfully of the worst possible stage of lung cancer. #sohehuffedandhepuffedandhedroppedthefuckdead

14. May you be audited by the IRS.

15. I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Ann Coulter before she’s eaten her celery for the day.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/put-curse-someone-youre-twenty-something/

13 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How to Curse Someone

  1. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    That glitter scene gave me the following idea:

    May every bill/letter you receive contain confetti (shaped like penises) that spews out as you open #paythisdickhead.

    Those things (although fun sometimes) are a PAIN…I swear, we are still finding those party favors with gold #40’s – yearS after the 40th bday party. My friend moved the couch the other day and found one.

    Liked by 1 person

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