As Featured on News Cult: How to Interpret Your Dreams

I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately—like, Chris Christie’s waistline, weird. So I thought I would share the fruits of my attempts at interpreting their meanings with you (don’t you just hate when someone uses “fruits” like that? Like it just makes you think of sperm, right?).

Here’s how to figure out what your dreams signify, depending on which category they fall into below.

Work dreams

If you’re dreaming about work, that means you’re worried about your job. With good reason, too—you’re a total fuckup, and it’s harder to ignore that when your dreams only highlight it. Needless to say, if you’re dreaming about getting fired, or in trouble, or being given a poor evaluation by your boss, you should start looking for other “opportunities.” Call your parents, alert them that you’ve lived up to their expectations/lack thereof, and ask if you can move back into their basement. And if you’re dreaming you’re doing a stellar job at work, then there’s something really wrong. Don’t take a positive work dream as an affirmation or motivation—now is not the time to adopt optimism. Don’t panic, but maybe you should just stop drop and roll yourself right into a psych ward to be sure.

Sex dreams

Not to be obvious, but if you’re having sex dreams, they mean one of two things. Either:

A) You’re sexually stifled


B) You want to have sex with the subject (object?) of your dream.

Regarding A—of course you’re sexually stifled. You haven’t had sex with a real person in like at least 7 months, (longer if you want to pretend like your last sexual encounter didn’t happen (and I think we can all agree it’s best you do)), because you’re unlovable and are going to die alone. And also growing up you got the impression that we just don’t talk about sex, so you ended up having to explore your sexuality solo, which led to some very creative ways of masturbating, but generally also a lot of shame and guilt and repression and inability to express yourself sexually.

And regarding B—in your dreams.

Action/Adventure dreams

I have a recurring dream that involves Zorro. I also have a lot of dreams where I have to save people. If you’re having dreams like this—basically the plot of any of the Taken‘s (I’d guess)—it means you feel a general lack of control in your life. This feeling stems from the fact that you’re an utter failure who couldn’t have their shit less together. You could take this as a cue to change some things in your life so you feel more empowered and capable, but LOL.

Animal dreams

If you’re having dreams about animals—whether you have to take care of them, or fight them (like if you’re attacked by a mountain lion or a bear), or rescue them (from like a dog fighting ring or horse race track)—this means that you are in no position to be responsible for any other living being. Because you can barely take care of yourself. So you should never buy or adopt a pet (firstly because no one should ever buy a pet when there are so many in need of rescue or adoption (fuck you very much, breeders), but also we’re talking not even a goldfish, okay? Because before you know it, Lady Gaga-Justin Bieber will be on his (her?)—its—last legs because you didn’t know you had to buy a special chemical to add to the tap water you put in its bowl, and then you’ll basically be a murderer), and you should certainly never babysit, let alone have your own children. Just focus on getting yourself out of bed every morning—lord knows that’s impossible enough.

Political dreams


You may have a nightmare that you’ll have to flee the country because Donald Trump is running for president and has an unbelievably large amount of supporters and won’t denounce renowned former KKK leader David Duke’s  endorsement of his campaign and wants to force Mexico to pay for a wall to be built along the Mexico-U.S. border to prevent Mexicans from being able to enter the U.S. and wants to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. and wants to use waterboarding and doesn’t think women should have the right to control their own bodies and oh wait—that’s actually happening. Except good fucking luck fleeing if he wins, because nobody will take you then. Especially not Mexico.

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Make Small Talk

Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or stuck in an elevator with an acquaintance, you have to make chit chat sometimes. And, as its name suggests, it’s awful and cringe-worthy and the worst—it’s always against your will, so it doesn’t come easy.

Take it from someone who has no clue—here’s how to succeed at small talk.

Say the first thing that comes to mind

If someone with Tourette’s is allowed to do it, you should be too. Whether it’s, “Snakes!” or, “My mother doesn’t love me!” or, “I USED TO PEE IN THE SHOWER ON A REGULAR BASIS,” just blurt it out. #theconversationhastostartsomewhere

Play 20 Questions

Right out the gate—don’t preface it, just dive right in. E.g.

  1. “Are you a man or a woman?”
  2. “Are you dead or alive?”
  3. “Are you gay? [Rhetorical.]”

Nod and smile

At everything the other person says. This will convey, regardless of the facts, that you’re engaged/are listening/give a shit. I don’t care if they say, “… I just got back from a funeral,” or, “Oh, that’s my phone—it’s my girlfriend—I’m pretty sure she’s going to break up with me, so I just refuse to answer her calls,” or, “After this I’m going to jump off the roof”nodandsmileandnodandsmileandre-fucking-peat.

Ask lots of questions

We’ve gone over and over how much people love to talk about themselves. So the only thing you really have to do to survive the conversation is sustain it with questions—about them them them. Again, we are honing the fine art of pretending to care. And people buy it. So sell that inquisitiveness like it’s a subprime mortgage and you’re Wells Fargo.

•”So, what’s your story? Start from the womb. You choose number of weeks—gestation is a tricky topic, and I don’t want to be the one to tell you you’re a moron if you considered yourself a person before you were anything other than a mass of cells. Like a tumor. I mean, fuck—should we ban chemotherapy too?”

•”So which community college did you go to?”

•”Your haircut looks so affordable—where’d you get it?”

Establish trust

You want to put the other person at ease, and make them feel like they can tell you anything, so that the small talk will flow like the river of bullshit from Ted Cruz’s mouth. You can accomplish this by offering up a personal detail of your own to start the conversation. For example, tell them the number of sexual partners you’ve had (make sure to distinguish between oral and otherwise), or show them that sore you found on your tongue (optional: ask them what they think it is), or tell them how much money is in your trust fund. You say crossing lines, I say breaking down barriers. #tomato,tomatomothafuckaaaaaa

Throw out random sayings

There’s going to be a lot of dead air, so when you can’t think of anything to say to fill those awkward pauses, just pronounce a tried and true phrase. Like:

•”Well, there’s more than one way to skin your cat.”

•”You gotta go the whole nine months, am I right?”

•”Well, folks, that’s all murder she wrote.”

•”I wouldn’t trust you with a ten foot pole.”

•”No skin off my back/nose.. Teeth?”

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As Featured on News Cult: The Best Methods of Revenge

Sometimes, you just need to get revenge. Sure, you could take the high road, but you could also destroy someone who deserves it. Get it out of your system so you can move on with your life while theirs crumbles to pieces. Here are the best methods of revenge. #burnbabyburnthosebridges

Make them go crazy

Pick one thing in their life to consistently fuck with over a month-long period, enough to make them question their sanity. For example, you could go into their office every night and change their calendar to a different day/month. Or take a few sips of their coffee every time they leave their desk. Or sneak into their house after they’ve left for the day and turn all the lights and the coffeemaker back on. Or siphon tiny amounts of money out of their checking account at irregular intervals. You’re making them their own worst enemy—Mindfuckery 101.

Call them in for drunk driving

This is why it’s important to take note of peoples’ license plate numbers—so that when they piss you off, you can call the DUI hotline and report them. #whistleblowin’likeaBOSS

Make them late

Change all their clocks so they’re at least 30 minutes behind. Make sure to do this on a day when they have a really important appointment. And then, watch the dominoes fall (they were late to work? Fired. Late to the doctor? Can’t get another appointment for a month, by which point their cancer will have progressed to Stage IV and be incurable. Late to their med school interview? Nursing, it is.) #BAM

Replace all of their dry erase markers with permanent ones


Mess with their allergies

If they’re lactose intolerant, replace all of their soy milk with 2%. If they’re gluten free, replace all of their rice flour with that all purpose bleached shit. They can’t handle cats? Meticulously place cat hairs around their apartment (this will require you to steal borrow someone’s cat for a few hours because you hate cats so certainly won’t have your own to use). And when it’s all said and done, they won’t even have their Claritin to run to, because you’ll have flushed it all down the toilet and bought out every nearby pharmacy’s stock.

Report them to the IRS

Undoubtedly they lie on their taxes, as assholes do, so it’s time to ring up the government and let Uncle Sam do his thing. And even if they don’t cheat, at least prompt an audit—

Dear Panic,



The Revengers

Poke holes in all of their condoms

Of course.

Recalibrate their scale

So every time they step on it there’s a surplus of at least 10 lbs. If you’re not sure how to do this, just ask the airlines.

Get sick

Just so you can get them sick. Sneeze, cough, and snot all over them. Make it RAIN.

Sleep with someone they would be super mad at you for sleeping with

An old standby—revenge sex. Works every time. Don’t act like you’re above it—now is not the time to start pretending you have standards.

Steal their mail

Their bills will go unpaid and into collection. #byebyecredit

Be happy

People hate when other people are better off. So be better off—it’ll drive them crazy. Surround yourself with good(-looking) people, do things (people) you like, forget about the losers—leave them to rot in their own bath water, choking on the dust of a quick getaway. It’s that simple.

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Maintain Your Privacy

Whether it’s the government, your nosy boss, your helicopter mom, or everyone on the Internet, you’re always going to have someone snooping around your personal space. So you have to learn how to protect your privacy. Here’s what you do.

Lie, pathologically

That way you’ll throw people off your trail—they’ll never know what’s actually true, so only you will be the keeper of your secrets. Don’t want your gossipy frenemies to speculate, spill the beans, or talk shit about your relationship status? Tell one of them you’re engaged, another you’re widowed, a third you’re a nun, and a fourth that all you can say is that you’re not allowed to go within 100 feet of playgrounds. Need to take some time off work but don’t want anyone to know why? Tell your boss you found a lump (I think we can all agree that nothing shuts people up more than any mention of “a lump”), tell HR you can’t legally disclose the reason for your absence (“the NSA would go apeshit“), and tell the person who’ll be filling in for you that you’re needed in Haiti because: Sean Penn. Or don’t feel like it’s necessary for anyone to ever know your real weight? Wear rocks in your pockets when the doctor weighs you, put a number that’s at least 20 pounds too optimistic on your driver’s license, and tell anyone else who asks a random number in kilograms (provided they’re American—it’ll leave them guessing for days).

Put things away for safekeeping


If people can’t find your shit, they can’t snoop on it. So lock it up and hide it away—under floorboards, in safes (do people actually use these?), locked file cabinets, your oven (it’s not like you’ll be using it for anything else), the back of your toilet—wherever people won’t be able to see it and/or will be deterred from going through it. I keep anything personal I have at my office in the above pouch from Blue Q, just to make things completely clear to my coworkers. #theycan’taccuseyouofbeingunprofessionalifyousay”please”

Let the NSA know you’re onto them

Say “hi” to them on all of your phone calls, or ask them to weigh in on the discussion (“How about you, NSA? Kelly and I can’t decide—do you think Kevin is a total asshole for saying he finds other women attractive, or should she give him the benefit of the doubt? (I mean, she’s no Virgin Mary, if you know what I’m saying..)”), or test them (“So I’m thinking of sneaking into the White House and stealing Michelle Obama’s arms…”), just so they know that you know that they’re listening. Or write a P.S. to them at the end of every email, (e.g. “P.S. To whom it may concern, all of my emails are written in code. SUCK IT, BITCH.”).

Maintain multiple identities

We’re compartmentalizing, people. Be one person around your family, another around your friends, and a third at work. To your mother, you’re a God-fearing virgin who wears stockings, flats and headbands without fault, eats a non-shameful amount of carbs, and participates politely in family functions, making sure to tamp down any real emotions while nodding and smiling like you’re any given politician’s wife. To your friends, you’re the girl who drinks wine an Olivia Pope-amount (but without the white/beige/off-white cashmere capes and permanent forlorn mouth-slightly-agape look), doesn’t wash her hair, and keeps a steady supply of Spaghetti-Os on her nightstand so she never has to leave her bed (the can opener is God’s Sistine Chapel). And to your boss, you’re a dedicated robot who sure can! make a double-sided three hole-punched scan easy peasy, speaks in a tone which does not convey whatsoever a desire to kill everyone whose presence you are forced to tolerate in the office, and who is best described as a “team player.”

Tell people to kindly, fuck off

The bottom line is that your stuff is your stuff, and I really don’t care if other people think they’re entitled to be all up in it. So the next time your sister steals the antique sewing machine your grandmother left you, bust into her house (I find it’s most effective if you break in by smashing a window in the middle of the night while wearing a ski mask), take it back, and tell her the next time she touches it you’ll have no problem sewing her sticky fingers together. Or the next time your boss comes right up behind you and stares at your computer screen, start Googling “human resources violations” while you tell him to butt the fuck out (“Did you, or did you not, hire me because you trust me? I CAN’T DO MY PERSONAL TASKS JOB WITH YOU HOVERING THERE”). And the next time a friend won’t stop pressing for details about your date the other night, simply say, “no” (because let’s be real there’s not going to be anything good to tell anyways).

Fortify your surroundings

People can’t invade your privacy if there are physical barriers. If you have a window pane that allows people to see into your office, spray it densely with fake snow (it’s a motherfucking blizzard up in here). Turn your computer monitor so it’s facing away from all possible vantage points. Protect all of your online accounts with the most obscure passwords possible (“okaybutreallywhat’sthedealwithRyanSeacrest’ssexuality?” or “ifyou’rereadingthisstop,” or “canweallagreethatLostwasalldownhillafterseason3,maybe4ifwe’rebeinggenerous(canyouunderlinepartsofpasswords?)?“). Take all phone calls in the bathroom, stairwell, or outside on a busy street only. Build a moat outside of every threshold in your vicinity, and populate the water with piranhas. #it’sabouttogetBiblicalupinthisbitch (#assumingyoucanestablishanicerhythmicflood)

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Get Along with Your Guy Friends’ Girlfriends

Your guy friends—God love ’em—often choose terrible girlfriends. Which is why you aren’t dating them. But, interacting with their annoying GFs is unavoidable if you want to maintain your friendships with them. So here’s how to get along with their girlfriends.

Shower her with compliments

Especially when you first meet her—make a great first impression, and you’ll be forever loved by the GF. Here are some lines you can use:

•”O.M.G. Your hair is so shiny! Like even if it’s because you haven’t washed it, it’s still really really reflective of light.”


•”Where did you get that dress?! It’s so hard to find clothes that flatter plus size women!”


•”You know I just think it’s so great that Greg has finally found someone who likes to just sit in the corner and always seems to be cold (like get a sweater am I right?!) and never wants to participate in conversation. Really—how awesome is it for him that he gets to be graced by such a delicate, stereotypically feminine presence?”

Don’t talk too much

As with in the animal kingdom, you have to establish who is the dominant one—who is the predator and who is the prey. Of course, the girlfriend has to think she’s the dominant one, or else she’ll feel threatened by your bond with her guy. So don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. And even then, be as monosyllabic as possible. I suggest ending with, “Yes, massa” every time you address her.

Dress like a bag lady

Listen, ladies—we don’t want to threaten her with our marvelous curves, so let’s just dress like we push around a shopping cart full of other people’s trash for a living. Intentionally rip your sweatpants and drag them through the mud if you have to; shack up with a homeless person for a week to get into character; don ‘t shower for 12 days (psht easy)—we have to do what we have to do to authenticate our drab look. If you show up looking fly, she’s going to consider you competition, and no amount of you explaining that notrust you—you have no desire to bang her boyfriend because no offense but if the fit of his skinny jeans is any indication, he’s not packing much down there, is going to save you.

Ask her about their relationship

People love to talk about their relationships. It’s verbal PDA. How they met, where they traveled over the holiday, what they got each other for their anniversary, blah blah blah soooooo don’t care, but they don’t have to know that—just get them talking and it’s a runaway train. Use the fact that they think their relationship is just really neat to your advantage. You could even check a few emails, finish your grocery list, and call your mom to yell at her for not texting you back while they’re on their roll—they won’t notice.

Criticize yourself a lot

Make it clear that, lookyou don’t like you, either. So you certainly don’t expect her to. In fact, you’re on team her—you’d choose her over you any day. You can see why Greg is with her—hell, you’d date her given the chance. So don’t worry, you come in peace. You’re hoping that you can both just take pity on you and use that as a common ground on which you can get along. Mutual hatred is a great unifier. I find it also helps if you walk into your first interaction with her waving a white flag—the bigger, the better. Strip a sheet off a [reputable] hotel bed [otherwise you run the risk of stains, which will only serve to discredit you], and come into the bar swinging that thing loud and clear.

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Not Hold a Grudge

I mean, there’s nothing more tempting than holding a grudge. Why? Because people are the worst, and when they display that with their idiotic, insensitive, narcissistic behavior, they should be cut out of your life like Jim Bob Duggar’s vas deferens needs clipping, and forever haunted by your vengeance. But—holding a grudge takes a lot of time and energy and we don’t have either of those (well, we have time, but we need to spend it on exerting no energy whatsoever). So we’re just gonna let it go like it’s our baby and we’re Michael Jackson on a balcony. Or Eric Clapton.

Here’s how to not hold a grudge.

Remember that people are their own undoing

People will get what’s coming to them—you don’t have to be the one to give it to them. That is the job of a little something we call karma. (Actually I think we totally co-opted that term and have misused it since, but whatever (as white Westerners do)). In the words of Justin Timberlake, “What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.” Pure poetry.

Breathe a sigh of relief

If you don’t hold a grudge, you get to let go of so much anger. And I know anger is, like, our favorite hobby, but its negative impact mainly manifests in you, not the other person. If it were the other way around, I’d totally say go for it, but unfortunately, it really only eats away at your own well being. Unless you channel it. Which brings me to…

Get revenge

Ok I know I’m touting this whole zen take the high road crap, but if there’s a way of exacting swift revenge, just do it, as Nike would say. Get it over with so you’ll be able to rid yourself of the burden of whoever or whatever was grudge-worthy, and move on with your life like you’re Tonya Harding (because she just glides gracefully. On the ice. Or at least up until 1994. Ok bad example but in my defense I don’t know the names of any other professional ice skaters. So what if she wore a diaper on her cross-country kill trip? Or wait that was Lisa Nowak—who, interestingly enough, also bounced around weightlessly—one might even say without any burden—in space. But seriously don’t follow either of their examples when it comes to revenge).

Take pity

On the person you want to hold a grudge against. Clearly, as their actions have already proven, they’re a pitiful person. They’re just pathetic—you actually feel a little sorry for them. As Gandhi would probably say, “Don’t swallow that haterade, yo.”


Make sure to just bitch a lot about the person who done you wrong to your friends and family. Just get it out of your system. If this means having them on rotating shifts 24/7, then so be it. Hey, you didn’t choose to be born—consequently, your parents always have to be there for you 100% even if it’s in the middle of the night or during one of the two times a year they have sex, or, as they called it when you walked in on them at 16, “hugging.”

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Getting Fired

At one point or another, you’re going to get fired. Everyone does (unless you’re balls-deep in nepotism). It’s just another shit fact of life to add to the pile. And it feels like a much bigger deal than it actually is, which is why you need some effective coping mechanisms so you can survive it. Here’s what I’ve learned about getting fired and the best way to deal with it.

Don’t take it personally

Even if it is personal. If you internalize it, you’ll shame spiral and that does no one any good. Of course, I suppose if you being fired is a result of your behavior, it could be a learning opportunity (excuse me while I choke down the vomit that the phrase “learning opportunity” induces)—but even that only goes so far before you have to move on and up. So whether or not it’s your fault, being fired is water off a duck’s back. It does not define you, it does not say some horrible truth about you, and it doesn’t have to prevent you from living your life. #rollingwiththepunchesrightthefuckoutthedoor #byeeeeee

Be cordial

While the chances are that if you’re being fired, it’s going to be a tense situation, regardless of the circumstances, try not to burn too many bridges. Whether your boss is the world’s largest prick or a nice guy who couldn’t afford to keep you on, be polite, professional, and unemotional throughout the process. If nothing else, this will up your chances of being able to get a good    reference out of them—and we’ll do anything if it benefits us, even if that means feigning politeness to someone we hope with our every waking breath gets hit by a bus, run over, and then backed over again by the bus, à la Suge Knight.

Ask for severance & a reference

If you’re not automatically offered it. The worst that can happen is they say no. Check your state labor laws to see if you’re legally entitled to severance, so that if you face resistance, you can back up your request with facts. And even if your employer isn’t bound by law to give you anything, I think it’s still worth a shot—you’ll never know until you ask. Likewise, ask if you can count on a good reference—ideally you’d get one in writing, but if nothing else, make sure you establish where you stand with your boss’ future recommendation or lack thereof so you don’t have to awkwardly reach out to them after you’ve officially cut ties (not that you can’t still reach out to them, but I find it’s easier to just get these things out of the way). And if they say they won’t give you a positive reference, at least you figured that out right out the gate so you won’t waste time relying on it and can game plan alternative references (and of course also how to ruin their life).

Make sure to document everything

Write down everything that happens and is said, and try to get everything in writing from your employer, just in case you have to file a complaint against them. If we’ve learned nothing else from Hillary Clinton, a paper trail is the best possible indictment. And also you don’t want to have to rely on your memory—it’s going to be really hard to recall exactly how many times your boss called you a “fucking cunt” if you don’t tally it as it’s happening (14).

Apply for unemployment

My understanding is that you’re eligible for unemployment if you’re fired/laid off, but not if you quit. Which is one of the perks of getting fired—we can outlast even the most untenable of employment situations if it means the difference between $0 and $500 per week. Sure, it’s never going to be as much money as you were making, but it’s something, and it will help tide you over until you find your next gig. #you’restillgonnaneedtocutbackonyourlattesthough #andyourbikiniwaxes #embracethebush

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