As Featured on News Cult: How To Be Social

Being social is impossible, because we hate people. And because we are socially challenged (or, as we prefer to call it, “special”). So it’s an effort, to say the least. It’s an art, really. Second only to war. Here’s how you do it.

Force yourself

Channel a rapist’s spirit—use pressure and coercion. It’s literally the only way you’ll be successful, because if it were up to you, you’d stay home in your stretch pants 24/7, bed sores be damned.


Nonstop. I find that if I make myself smile, I automatically come off as much more personable and like I actually give a shit about other people (LOL). This is of course as fake as any given Kardashian body part, but, like with every swipe of our credit card that we await with bated breath, if it works, we’ll take it.


Socially lubricate the situation. And then make sure to talk about how you’re lubricating the situation, socially. #saylubricationfivetimesfast #lookwhojustinventedanewpartygame #notsosociallyineptanymore,arewe?

Have an ally

If you’re going to throw yourself into a social lion’s den, bring someone with you who doesn’t completely suck. Your best friend, your mom, your librarian—it doesn’t matter. Just make sure you have someone you can stand with you who you can shit-talk and mercilessly judge the rest of the crowd with.

Bring a book

If all else fails and/or you don’t have an ally to accompany you because you’re alone in life, bring a book to whatever fresh hell you’re going. You can break it out at the bar, or in the corner of the house party, or pop a squat with it in the mosh pit. People can and will judge you, but what they fail to realize is that we’ve already judged them fourteen times over—it’s called preemptive war, bitch.

Lower your expectations

If you expect that whatever social situation you’re going to enter will suck, then you won’t be disappointed when it does. And it will suck. Hard. You will meet no one worthy or interesting, just guys with flaccid, receding hairlines and perplexing levels of confidence; you will have to forgo all food options because of the grubby hands that will have shoved themselves ALL up into each snack item; and you’ll be stuck waiting for your ride because let’s face it you’re too cheap to Uber home by yourself.

Bring prepared talking points

All successful socialites break out a set of notecards during every social interaction. I suggest you rely on the trusty old triumvirate of conversation topics: politics, money and religion. Some suggested talking points on each subject are below:

•”Fuck, marry, or kill?: Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz and Ben Carson.”

•”Judging by your outfit, it looks like you spend an excessive amount of money on material possessions, when people are starving to death all over the world. Care to comment?”

•”Do Catholic priests have an obligation to report what they hear in confessional to law enforcement? I mean, shouldn’t they, obviously? #evenI,themostferventandfrequentuserofthephrase’suckit,’wouldn’tutterthosewordswithinspittingdistanceofapriest”

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3 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How To Be Social

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    Since I’m married I’m occasionally dragged along to party or whatever and I call it the gauntlet when I try to get out unscathed. When I’m ready to leave the party (about 20 minutes in) I tell my wife and then it is the constant struggle to get her out there without her getting intercepted by all the people that want to talk to her. She is too polite, so I’m always having to make up excuses to leave immediately. Now I have some pretend things to do to occupy Wall Street, I mean my time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jim Noonan says:

    ”Judging by your outfit, it looks like you spend an excessive amount of money on material possessions, when people are starving to death all over the world. Care to comment?”

    “Oh, really? Judging by your question it looks like you spend an excessive amount of time thinking that people give an actual f**k about what you think. Care to comment? I’m sorry I meant, f**k off!”

    Ha! Thanks for a good laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

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