As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage PMS

I’m hesitant to write this because I hate the sexist stereotypes that accompany PMS—that women are at the mercy of their hormones and go crazy when their cycles take over, or, worse, sync up, and can’t act rationally or be in charge of their moods, emotions, or actions. That we should basically be chained to a pole and locked in a shed until the Devil has left our body. I mean, it’s absurd. Like get the fuck out of here. That said, PMS is real, and it does have an effect on the mind and body (by definition—it’s called science look it up). So, while still refusing to comply with the bullshit patriarchal narrative that women are weak, powerless, and all experience PMS in the same debilitating way, I’d like to provide some tips that I’ve found helpful in managing the effects PMS can have on hormone levels and consequently mood and energy (physical and mental).

Don’t fight the tears

Embrace them. You may have the urge to spontaneously burst into tears, and you won’t necessarily understand why, so just let it flow. When it comes to all things menstruation, you just gotta let it flow. Plus, crying is fantastic—a good cry is the ultimate way to feel better. I don’t know how, it must be physiological, but man, crying it out is such an effective way to purge the bullshit. So we’re gaming the system here—using the shitty PMS side effects to our advantage. Because we’re CLEVER, AUTONOMOUS BEINGS WHO AREN’T RULED BY THEIR ENDOCRINE SYSTEMS.

Accept the bloating

It’s unavoidable. Resign yourself to stretch pants for the week so you won’t have the constant reminder of a constricting denim waistband. Like, we get it, jeans, WE DON’T FIT IN YOU AT THIS TIME. GET OFF OUR BACKS. OR, OUR STOMACHS. WHATEVER, IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEANT. #don’tactlikeyoudon’ttalktoyourpantstoo

Cut yourself some slack

If you’re like me, you’ll feel sick and your mood will be negatively affected, so when you feel extra unwell or flustered or impatient, and then get even more upset or annoyed with yourself for feeling that way, take a breath and remember that you feel that way for a reason—it’s much easier to give yourself a break when you’re coming from a compassionate and understanding perspective. Or, you can always scream at the first person you see and/or throw a couple punches. I find that helps too.

Use it as an excuse

Hey, if there’s something positive to be gained from this not-so-positive-overall thing we have to put up with each month, we will take it and walk as slow as possible run with it. We hate doing anything anyways, so if we have what we feel like is a more legitimate excuse to not do something than just our general lethargy and apathy, we’ll use it like ketchup—all day every day (especially if eggs are involved. Which they are, kind of, here. HEY-O self-props for the ovary-related pun!). Sorry, looks like we won’t be able to make it out to that birthday party on Friday night anymore, or brunch, or your niece’s bat mitzvah, or that family friend’s funeral—we’re just not feeling very well. #ifnotfeelingwellmeansnothavingtosocialize,we’llhappilytakeaterminalillness #wevolunteerastribute #wedon’tknowwhatallthepeoplewithZikaarecomplainingabout #they’vegotitmade #pleasenoticetheotherpregnancy/femalereproductivesystem-relatedtie-inviatheZikareference #I’mabortingit

Welcome it

With every round of PMS comes the sigh of relief you get to breathe knowing you’re not pregnant. Unless you’re trying to get pregnant, in which case, sucks for you! But for the rest of us who realize we’d make terrible parents, plus the planet really doesn’t need more people rn (thank you, Duggars), it’s time to celebrate. I suggest throwing yourself a party every month. You can get customized red M&Ms that say “PMS” on them, and balloons that say “It’s Not a Boy!” and “It’s Not a Girl!” and, most importantly, a cake. I’d recommend red velvet.

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15 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage PMS

  1. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    two things:

    my kiddo self to my mom, “Why don’t you think there will ever be a woman president, mommy?”
    “I don’t think it will happen in our life time…most guys will never vote for a woman because they will be afraid she’ll nuke the world during PMS, or something.”


    me and hubby on date, a male stand up act, “To all the Men out there, after talking to my wife, she presented a good point…I think if you started dropping plasma every month, you’d get a little upset too. So just let it go.”

    Those are the two things that pop in my mind every time I have to slap on a pad.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cheyanne says:

    LOLOLOL also, stay away from (most) articles about managing PMS. I have endometriosis so it’s pretty much like I’m in labor every month (science. look it up, people!) and I complained about cramps one day. Someone sent me a link to a “yoga poses to get rid of PMS!” They suggested you stand on one foot, stick the other foot out at a 90 degree angle, stick one hand up in the air and do something or other with your head. They actually had the audacity to claim this would “completely stop heavy blood flow.” Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

    Liked by 1 person

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