Your guy friends—God love ’em—often choose terrible girlfriends. Which is why you aren’t dating them. But, interacting with their annoying GFs is unavoidable if you want to maintain your friendships with them. So here’s how to get along with their girlfriends.
Shower her with compliments
Especially when you first meet her—make a great first impression, and you’ll be forever loved by the GF. Here are some lines you can use:
•”O.M.G. Your hair is so shiny! Like even if it’s because you haven’t washed it, it’s still really really reflective of light.”
•”Where did you get that dress?! It’s so hard to find clothes that flatter plus size women!”
•”You know I just think it’s so great that Greg has finally found someone who likes to just sit in the corner and always seems to be cold (like get a sweater am I right?!) and never wants to participate in conversation. Really—how awesome is it for him that he gets to be graced by such a delicate,
stereotypically feminine presence?”
Don’t talk too much
As with in the animal kingdom, you have to establish who is the dominant one—who is the predator and who is the prey. Of course, the girlfriend has to think she’s the dominant one, or else she’ll feel threatened by your bond with her guy. So don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. And even then, be as monosyllabic as possible. I suggest ending with, “Yes, massa” every time you address her.
Dress like a bag lady
Listen, ladies—we don’t want to threaten her with our marvelous curves, so let’s just dress like we push around a shopping cart full of other people’s trash for a living. Intentionally rip your sweatpants and drag them through the mud if you have to; shack up with a homeless person for a week to get into character; don ‘t shower for 12 days (psht easy)—we have to do what we have to do to authenticate our drab look. If you show up looking fly, she’s going to consider you competition, and no amount of you explaining that no—trust you—you have no desire to bang her boyfriend because no offense but if the fit of his skinny jeans is any indication, he’s not packing much down there, is going to save you.
Ask her about their relationship
People love to talk about their relationships. It’s verbal PDA. How they met, where they traveled over the holiday, what they got each other for their anniversary, blah blah blah soooooo don’t care, but they don’t have to know that—just get them talking and it’s a runaway train. Use the fact that they think their relationship is just really neat to your advantage. You could even check a few emails, finish your grocery list, and call your mom to yell at her for not texting you back while they’re on their roll—they won’t notice.
Criticize yourself a lot
Make it clear that, look—you don’t like you, either. So you certainly don’t expect her to. In fact, you’re on team her—you’d choose her over you any day. You can see why Greg is with her—hell, you’d date her given the chance. So don’t worry, you come in peace. You’re hoping that you can both just take pity on you and use that as a common ground on which you can get along. Mutual hatred is a great unifier. I find it also helps if you walk into your first interaction with her waving a white flag—the bigger, the better. Strip a sheet off a [reputable] hotel bed [otherwise you run the risk of stains, which will only serve to discredit you], and come into the bar swinging that thing loud and clear.
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