As Featured on News Cult: The Best Methods of Revenge

Sometimes, you just need to get revenge. Sure, you could take the high road, but you could also destroy someone who deserves it. Get it out of your system so you can move on with your life while theirs crumbles to pieces. Here are the best methods of revenge. #burnbabyburnthosebridges

Make them go crazy

Pick one thing in their life to consistently fuck with over a month-long period, enough to make them question their sanity. For example, you could go into their office every night and change their calendar to a different day/month. Or take a few sips of their coffee every time they leave their desk. Or sneak into their house after they’ve left for the day and turn all the lights and the coffeemaker back on. Or siphon tiny amounts of money out of their checking account at irregular intervals. You’re making them their own worst enemy—Mindfuckery 101.

Call them in for drunk driving

This is why it’s important to take note of peoples’ license plate numbers—so that when they piss you off, you can call the DUI hotline and report them. #whistleblowin’likeaBOSS

Make them late

Change all their clocks so they’re at least 30 minutes behind. Make sure to do this on a day when they have a really important appointment. And then, watch the dominoes fall (they were late to work? Fired. Late to the doctor? Can’t get another appointment for a month, by which point their cancer will have progressed to Stage IV and be incurable. Late to their med school interview? Nursing, it is.) #BAM

Replace all of their dry erase markers with permanent ones


Mess with their allergies

If they’re lactose intolerant, replace all of their soy milk with 2%. If they’re gluten free, replace all of their rice flour with that all purpose bleached shit. They can’t handle cats? Meticulously place cat hairs around their apartment (this will require you to steal borrow someone’s cat for a few hours because you hate cats so certainly won’t have your own to use). And when it’s all said and done, they won’t even have their Claritin to run to, because you’ll have flushed it all down the toilet and bought out every nearby pharmacy’s stock.

Report them to the IRS

Undoubtedly they lie on their taxes, as assholes do, so it’s time to ring up the government and let Uncle Sam do his thing. And even if they don’t cheat, at least prompt an audit—

Dear Panic,



The Revengers

Poke holes in all of their condoms

Of course.

Recalibrate their scale

So every time they step on it there’s a surplus of at least 10 lbs. If you’re not sure how to do this, just ask the airlines.

Get sick

Just so you can get them sick. Sneeze, cough, and snot all over them. Make it RAIN.

Sleep with someone they would be super mad at you for sleeping with

An old standby—revenge sex. Works every time. Don’t act like you’re above it—now is not the time to start pretending you have standards.

Steal their mail

Their bills will go unpaid and into collection. #byebyecredit

Be happy

People hate when other people are better off. So be better off—it’ll drive them crazy. Surround yourself with good(-looking) people, do things (people) you like, forget about the losers—leave them to rot in their own bath water, choking on the dust of a quick getaway. It’s that simple.

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