As Featured on News Cult: How to Interpret Your Dreams

I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately—like, Chris Christie’s waistline, weird. So I thought I would share the fruits of my attempts at interpreting their meanings with you (don’t you just hate when someone uses “fruits” like that? Like it just makes you think of sperm, right?).

Here’s how to figure out what your dreams signify, depending on which category they fall into below.

Work dreams

If you’re dreaming about work, that means you’re worried about your job. With good reason, too—you’re a total fuckup, and it’s harder to ignore that when your dreams only highlight it. Needless to say, if you’re dreaming about getting fired, or in trouble, or being given a poor evaluation by your boss, you should start looking for other “opportunities.” Call your parents, alert them that you’ve lived up to their expectations/lack thereof, and ask if you can move back into their basement. And if you’re dreaming you’re doing a stellar job at work, then there’s something really wrong. Don’t take a positive work dream as an affirmation or motivation—now is not the time to adopt optimism. Don’t panic, but maybe you should just stop drop and roll yourself right into a psych ward to be sure.

Sex dreams

Not to be obvious, but if you’re having sex dreams, they mean one of two things. Either:

A) You’re sexually stifled

or

B) You want to have sex with the subject (object?) of your dream.

Regarding A—of course you’re sexually stifled. You haven’t had sex with a real person in like at least 7 months, (longer if you want to pretend like your last sexual encounter didn’t happen (and I think we can all agree it’s best you do)), because you’re unlovable and are going to die alone. And also growing up you got the impression that we just don’t talk about sex, so you ended up having to explore your sexuality solo, which led to some very creative ways of masturbating, but generally also a lot of shame and guilt and repression and inability to express yourself sexually.

And regarding B—in your dreams.

Action/Adventure dreams

I have a recurring dream that involves Zorro. I also have a lot of dreams where I have to save people. If you’re having dreams like this—basically the plot of any of the Taken‘s (I’d guess)—it means you feel a general lack of control in your life. This feeling stems from the fact that you’re an utter failure who couldn’t have their shit less together. You could take this as a cue to change some things in your life so you feel more empowered and capable, but LOL.

Animal dreams

If you’re having dreams about animals—whether you have to take care of them, or fight them (like if you’re attacked by a mountain lion or a bear), or rescue them (from like a dog fighting ring or horse race track)—this means that you are in no position to be responsible for any other living being. Because you can barely take care of yourself. So you should never buy or adopt a pet (firstly because no one should ever buy a pet when there are so many in need of rescue or adoption (fuck you very much, breeders), but also we’re talking not even a goldfish, okay? Because before you know it, Lady Gaga-Justin Bieber will be on his (her?)—its—last legs because you didn’t know you had to buy a special chemical to add to the tap water you put in its bowl, and then you’ll basically be a murderer), and you should certainly never babysit, let alone have your own children. Just focus on getting yourself out of bed every morning—lord knows that’s impossible enough.

Political dreams

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You may have a nightmare that you’ll have to flee the country because Donald Trump is running for president and has an unbelievably large amount of supporters and won’t denounce renowned former KKK leader David Duke’s  endorsement of his campaign and wants to force Mexico to pay for a wall to be built along the Mexico-U.S. border to prevent Mexicans from being able to enter the U.S. and wants to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. and wants to use waterboarding and doesn’t think women should have the right to control their own bodies and oh wait—that’s actually happening. Except good fucking luck fleeing if he wins, because nobody will take you then. Especially not Mexico.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/properly-interpret-dreams/

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