Month: March 2016
I’m basically Beyoncé
When Kobe sort of makes eye contact with you
While wiping his nose.
As Featured on News Cult: How to Get Over Being a People Pleaser
Even though we hate people, we still feel the need to please them. Because we are painfully self-aware, self-conscious, and apologetic, for no good reason. Except oh wait I can think of one—we live in a society that condemns assertiveness, save for self-important, over-compensational, egomaniacal men (although don’t get me wrong—P’s OS come in all genders). But just because we’re decent, humble human beings, doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice our own well-being or sense of self. I, for one, am sick of giving people preferential treatment ahead of myself, especially because most of them don’t deserve it and wouldn’t do the same for me. So if you’re with me, here’s how to get over being a people pleaser.
Nip it in the bud
The next time you find yourself about to bend over backwards for someone, just shut. it. down. I don’t care if you’re literally bending over backwards—pick that shit up—or if you’re mid-sentence: “Sure, I guess we could go to that restaurant…” Just stop talking and turn it around: “… Actually no. That place is really expensive, awful, and I’m not going there at 10 PM on a Monday because they didn’t have any other reservations. That’s three hours past my bedtime and frankly anywhere that ‘trendy’ can blow me. And the horse I rode in on.” If it helps, carry around a spray bottle and spritz yourself in the face every time you start pleasing people (that sounds uncomfortably sexual but you know what I mean)—use pepper spray if you have to. Breaking yourself of this habit is going to take discipline, and if that means severe measures, so be it.
Use rage as your fuel
What I find particularly backwards is that, often, the people we feel the need to placate or appease the most are the people least deserving. For example, when someone is blowing their secondhand smoke in our face, we feel like we would be rude to ask them to stop, so we just breathe it in, even though they’re the rude ones for spreading their fumes. Or when someone is tailing us in traffic, we feel pressure to speed up and accommodate them, even though they can kiss our bumpers. So just let the rage that the intimidating person incites in you fuel your refusal to bow down, and, further, your insistence on standing up to them, telling them what’s what, and pulling the cigarette straight outta their ugly fucking mouth and sticking it right into their big fucking forehead. #WE’RENOTREADYTOMAKENICE #WE’RENOTREADYTOBACKDOWN #NEITHERARETHEDIXIECHICKS
Remember most people aren’t as accommodating
While you’re out there busting your ass to make everyone happy, they’re just looking out for #1. I mean really, how many people go out of their way to make sure all of your needs are met on a regular basis? What’s that, your loving boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/mom does? Well how nice for you. But the rest of us are faced with constant disappointment in others on an unrelenting basis. So why bother? Quid pro quo, bro.
Know that people aren’t paying attention
As much as you think. You’re worried they’re as wrapped up in what’s going on as you, and that they’ll notice if you don’t go above and beyond to make their every wish come true, when, really, they’re thinking about how fat they do or do not (but do) look in that skirt. They probably wouldn’t even think twice if you didn’t add in that extra exclamation point at the end of your text message, or only had 3 instead of 4 gluten-free snack options for movie night, or decided to sit out clubbing because your pajamas sound more appealing. Trust that people are much more narcissistic than you give them credit for.
Know your worth
You are worthy, and are not obligated to chip away at yourself in order to make others happy or satisfied. You deserve your own attention, too. Now don’t go crazy, here—I’m not saying you should take care of your health by going to the gym or eating vegetables or anything ridiculous like that. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t put others before yourself. Unless they’re like your kid or something, in which case, it’s your fault they exist so don’t be an asshole.
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/get-people-pleaser/
Kim K. isn’t the only one who can take sultry selfies
And I have the unibrow to prove it
As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage Anger
Anger is our primary experience. Because there’s just so much to be angry about—people, injustice (because of people), corruption (because of people), stupidity (of the people)… I mean we really need more hours in the day to be able to accomplish all of our anger, which is completely justified, but also requires management so that it doesn’t take over our lives. But not “anger management” in the traditional sense—fuck that—literally nothing makes me angrier. I’m talking about ways to deal with anger that won’t discount its validity, but will prevent it from consuming you, instead serving to channel it and make you feel better. And, as the angriest person I know, I feel I am uniquely qualified to provide you with ideas for such coping mechanisms. Here they are.
Let it out
If you feel stifled, or slighted, or wronged, don’t just let the anger boil in you. Release it. Explain and express your feelings. There’s no reason you should have to shoulder the burden of your anger alone, letting it fester and poison you internally, especially when it’s usually related to someone else. Now, I’m not saying you should just scream and throw a fit, but if you can give an articulate speech outlining the bases for your anger, you’ll feel a lot better than if you cage the beast (because at some point it’ll inevitably come out anyways, and it won’t be pretty). #oratory #it’swhatwedo #elegantAF.
And then scream and throw a fit. Sometimes it just needs to happen. Sometimes screaming is just as effective as talking at library-level. Because the person or entity you’re angry at is dumb as shit, immune to rationale, and needs to be stopped, so whispering soft pleas into their ear isn’t going to quite get the point across clearly enough.
Figure out if there’s something concrete you can do to fix or change what you’re angry about. For example, if you’re angry that your insurance company is fucking you, file grievance after grievance until you’ve taken their internal complaints process all the way up the chain and you’re cleared to sue their ass. Or if you’re angry that there is rampant injustice plaguing our society, volunteer with or donate to a cause that’s aimed at righting those wrongs, raise awareness by taking the time to inform yourself and others of the facts, email, call, and ask to meet with your local, state, and federal representatives, start a petition, get out and protest. If you’re angry that you were treated poorly by a business, write your rage into a scathing Yelp review, and dial those buttons extra hard as you call their customer service line. Or if you’re angry that you just got kicked to the curb by your boyfriend, send him anthrax. #it’sjustthateasy
Your right to free speech, grab a megaphone, and turn up the volume on #’s 1-3^^. Go recite a lecture to the institution or person that hath earned your wrath. Stand outside their office, perform some slam poetry about how they crossed the wrong person, and pitch a tent, because you’re not going anywhere until justice is served. #filibusteringisn’tjustfortheSenate #monologuingisourspecialty
About what’s angering you, at what’s angering you, at your anger, whatever—just get yourself laughing and so will come relief. Not necessarily because anything is funny, but just because you need to catch a break from the anger intensity. Or because something actually is funny, like how you’re going to take your anger at your co-worker for throwing you under the bus and use it as fuel to put them on blast via an office-wide memo, which you’re also going to wallpaper your cubicle with. #oh,whatwasthat? #thelastlaugh #andwejustgotit
Count to 10
And then punch someone/something. Hey, maybe it’s not our first choice, if only because we don’t want to deal with any potential legal repercussions (we don’t have time to be charged with assault, we have a lot of righteous causes to fight for). But sometimes, a motherfucker just needs to get hit. If that motherfucker is your pillow, so be it. If it’s the piece of shit who slashed your tire, then also so be that.
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/manage-anger-without-total-psycho/
As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Internet Trolls
Internet trolls: people who have nothing better to do than make demeaning/stupid/rude comments online directed at you. They’re their own breed, whose life blood is the immediacy and anonymity of the Internet. These guys go deep into comment threads—apparently none of them have jobs, or life purposes. And, as with all hostile predators, they require special handling. So here’s how you deal with them.
Don’t spend much time on them
Decide whether you want to call them out or not, but do so quickly. They are not worth your time or energy, so don’t waste it on them. And even if you do decide to call them out, put a limit on how long you’re going to spend doing so. Because, remember, they are immune to reason—so even if you respond to them with the most bulletproof statement, they’ll keep spouting their nonsense, because they’re crazy. That said, if you do decide to engage with them…
Shut. them. down.
Pick apart their attack piece by piece, providing evidence that backs up every bit of your statement. Cite sources, diagram your argument, include footnotes and definitions (people love when you quote the dictionary at them)—make one sweeping retort, and let that be it. Even though they’ll keep spinning their wheels, one solid response is usually enough to make clear your position and that they are a steaming sack of shit. Then, walk away and watch the feathers fly…
Sometimes, they just need to be shut the fuck out. So if you’re dealing with a particularly pesky/psychotic troll, take away their agency. Block them on social media and disable or delete their comments. The benefit will be twofold: they can’t bother you, and they will implode because there’s nothing they hate more than having their platform pulled out from under them. #byeeeeeeeeee
If it gets real bad, like they’re threatening or stalking you, report them to the powers that be—the social media authorities, the police, FBI, CIA, DHS, ICE, Dateline NBC, Ryan’s Roses.. #it’salothardertotrollfromprison,bitch
Troll them back
If they can dish it, they better be ready to take it. Troll them hard—spam the heck outta them, correct their grammar, accuse them of being a slavery-denier, insult their mom, show up at their doorstep with an actual steaming sack of shit… The possibilities are endless. #theGoldenRule,motherfuckers #it’satrolleattrollworld
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/bye-hater-deal-internet-trolls/
As Featured on News Cult: How to Survive Your Existential Crisis
Existential crises: we all have them—some of us
every moment of every day more frequently, others who are kidding themselves into thinking they’re mentally stable less so. They may be triggered by a jarring experience or unexpected event, like you making one small, miniscule, arguably immaterial typo on a government application and having to pay thousands of dollars as a result (ONE LETTER—IT WAS ONE FUCKING LETTER WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN LIVES), or they may simply occur because existence makes absolutely no sense. Either way, you can survive them, despite seemingly insurmountable odds. Take it from someone well-acquainted with the existential crisis—here’s how to get through it.
Give your life a point
Because it doesn’t really have one, right? We all die eventually and the world will end one day, too (pls see: science). But if you don’t decide to make up some reason for which you’re living, you’ll just devolve into madness. So, yes, we accept the premise that our lives are pointless, but then we choose to move on from that, overlook it, and assign a meaning to things—one that we can believe in enough to make us buy the lie that we’re telling ourselves, that our existence isn’t futile. Whether it’s to be a crusader against corrupt insurance companies (some of us have accepted that this is apparently our destiny), or to create art that brings others relief, or to be the best barista this side of the Mason-Dixon line (but for real does anyone know where that is?), go after something, or multiple things, that you feel will have an impact you would like to make, even if it’s just in the short term.
To the crazy mess that is everything. Literally nothing makes sense. But the less you resent that, the more enjoyable life can be. I’m not saying you have to be thrilled with the everyday drudgery, but maybe, by accepting things the way they are, you’ll open yourself up to experiencing happier things, tiny and insignificant as they may be. Like if you forget for a moment that you have no direction in life, you may be able to genuinely laugh and find humor in something, like someone tripping on the sidewalk, or Donald Trump’s “hair,” or the stupid thing your boss just asked you to do [make sure to laugh uproariously right in their face for this one].
Remember you are most certainly not alone
Everyone is fighting their own battles all day every day, and you’d be surprised at how similar peoples’ struggles are. So take comfort in the fact that life is shit for everyone, not just you! We are miserable and we do love company.
You’ll realize that many brilliant minds have tackled the issues you’re facing (which is all just a way of saying you’re brilliant, of course—your apathetic disillusionment is a revolt against the hollow delusions of society at large and totally enhanced by your wardrobe of exclusively mismatched thrift shop clothing). Read some Kierkegaard, for fuck’s sake.
Preferably on the floor, as usual. Also preferably over the phone to someone—because for all their idiocy, people can sometimes be helpful/comforting. But def do not cry to someone in person because then they’d see your ugly cryface (is there any other kind?). Cry. it. out. And then pick up the pieces and move on. To your next existential crisis. Because they never end. #settlein
Remind yourself it could always be worse
Whatever spurs your existential crisis, try to remember all the things that could be worse. Even if yours is pretty bad, there’s always further down to go. At least in the
white first world. Like, I get it, but Flint; homelessness; no access to healthcare; no access to education; deportation; oppression; war. Look at it like you’re fortunate enough to even be able to have an existential crisis. People with real problems don’t have time for that shit. #tbh #don’tgetyourpantiesinatwistoverthefirstworldcomment #Iknowafewwhitepeoplehaverealproblemstoo
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/survive-existential-crisis/
As Featured on News Cult: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Hey, you can’t copyright titles, ok? Or at least that’s what my writing group told me, and since then, I have started my debut novel, Crime and Punishment: [subtitle:] The Tale of One Young Woman’s Journey Through Hitting Someone’s Bumper While Parallel Parking, Maybe/Probably Scratching It But Who Can Really Say, and Not Leaving a Note.
And since I’m an expert on how to lose guys (really only the ones I want—the ones I don’t want are the only ones I can’t shake), I thought I would present you with a guide to dropping them like they’re hot (which they are. And you will never have them.).
Who you are is a turn-off, apparently. So just be you and he’ll be gone in a max of 10 days. Say what you’re thinking, ask for what you need, don’t try to fit a certain mold you think he likes—and whatever else you have the audacity to do that makes the patriarchy uncomfortable.
Eat with vigor. Eat more than a few celery sticks (we’re talking 5, maybe 6—throw caution to the wind!). Dare to drink regular milk. Order an entree that’s not salmon and doesn’t involve kale. He’ll be so horrified he’ll run for The Hills (where he can find Audrina, the perfect woman embodied).
Nothing will make a man dump you like you’re ethical principles and he’s Hillary Clinton as will his own insecurity, and nothing makes men insecure like you being intelligent. And like, I get it—why would they want to be with a girl who questions and puts a lot of thought into things, makes informed decisions, is self-aware, pragmatic, logical, and can debate them under the table? It would basically mean they don’t have a penis.
Pls see above^^. If you have a job, let alone one you like and that you’re good at, psht—forget about it. Forget about it even more if you went to college. And if you graduated, you’re basically a spinster.
Give minimal blowjobs
Look, we all know what the male’s driving force is, and it’s not the aspiration to be an upstanding citizen. It’s the good ol’ BJ. Kingdoms have probably risen and fallen on the frequency with which blow jobs were/weren’t being performed/promised. Needless to say, if you’re not all about them, you’ll be cut quicker than you can say “the double, gendered standard of oral sex seems to preclude reciprocation, in and of itself, but, further, of equal regularity and quality.”
Be a decent person
Somehow, the shittier, more manipulative, disingenuous, and inconsiderate you are, the more attractive you are. So just be your normal, decent self. Be sensitive, thoughtful, funny, honest—he’ll be outta there faster than . #ifonlyhecould’vebeenthatquickwhenitcametopullingout
Don’t shave/wax/thread/pluck/epilate/laser/for fuck’s sake how many hair removal processes are we as a society going to invent
In other words, inhabit your body as it was organically meant to be, taking no painful measures to alter it [this goes not just for hair removal, but all things meant to abnormally transform your body—i.e. Botox, plastic surgery, corsets, tanning, tapeworms, etc.]. Nothing scares men away like a natural female body.
Listen, being human isn’t an excuse to be imperfect—what, you thought you could have flaws and someone could love you and want to be with you despite that, and perhaps even for it? LOL. OLOL. OLOLOLOLOL.
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/lose-guy-10-days/