Honestly, I have no idea how to talk about what you want sexually. As a girl, I’ve always felt like sex isn’t for me—it’s for the guy. Because it’s easier for him, by anatomical definition, and because of the male-dominated society we live in. Our culture and media is overwhelmingly geared towards male satisfaction—sexual and otherwise.
I’m sure some of you are thinking “that’s not true!” and I bet those of you are men. And therein lies the problem—sure, guys sometimes have to go out of their comfort zones to get what they want sexually, but usually, it’s within their comfort zones, or within reach. Whereas girls have to take a 13 hour red-eye out of their comfort zone to get to the point of even possibly maybe hopefully beginning to get what they want sexually. Yes, these are generalizations, but they are also based in truth. And so the deck, once again, is stacked in the male’s favor, and the burden to accommodate is left on women.
So how is this remedied? I honestly don’t know, because my sexual history can best be summed up as, “unfortunate.” But I have some theories. The most important of which I think is to build trust with your sexual partner (I really hate when people refer to a person you have sex with as a “partner” but what else am I gonna call it? “Lover”? Sure as fuck no). This entails probably waiting to have sex with someone until you know them well enough to feel comfortable with them, and, furthermore, maybe trying to not have a billion partners at once. Now I’m not saying it’s slutty to have multiple and/or noncommittal partners—I have no value judgement to impart on anyone’s choice of their sexual partners’ quality or quantity. But—what I have learned is that sex is better when it’s with someone you can trust and care about, and vice versa.
This is probably because asking for what you want sexually is making yourself vulnerable, so while it’s never going to be completely comfortable, it’s going to be a lot easier when it involves someone you don’t feel like you have to play a part for, and who wants your sexual relationship to be mutually beneficial. Unfortunately, I think this quality of relationship is hard to find, whether because our society has made casual sex and instant gratification the goals, or because people really are just so shitty that a good one is about as hard to find as a hair of Donald Trump’s natural color on his head. But I’d say still hold out for that person who you’re going to feel good about communicating your sexual preferences to, because I think it really will be worth it. Alternatively, it may never happen and you’ll live a life of solo masturbation until you die, but you were doing that anyways so you really have nothing to lose.
Besides developing a nurturing, honest, open relationship with your partner, I think another thing that can help with asking for what you want sexually is some focus on exploring and accepting your own sexuality. Sex is often associated with shame, and I’m not really sure why (besides some hypocritical, oppressive religious decrees). I think a lot of us grow up feeling weird about sex, for lack of a better word, and like it’s “bad” or “taboo” or off limits. So you have to put in some effort (ugh I know) to undo that bias and work towards a more accepting, embracing approach to your sexuality. People like what they like. We all have different sexual preferences, and if you keep being ashamed of yours, you’re never going to have a satisfying sex life.
Try to think about what gives you pleasure, what you like/don’t like, etc., accept it, and go for it. Of course your sexuality is fluid and can always change, so be flexible, but also don’t be afraid to dive in and pursue what you’re into. The more you love and accept what you want sexually, the easier it’ll be to ask for that from someone else. This doesn’t mean I will stop mercilessly mocking people like the guy in the “Marriage” episode of Chelsea Handler’s new Netflix documentary who goes by “Sir” and lives with his female sex “slaves,” whom he names after “animals or food,” and who have to ask him for permission to sit down when they’re out in public, of course. But they’re entitled to do their thing and get off how they get off (and I’m entitled to write a thesis on all of the things wrong with it and think he has weird lizard eyes and maybe he should whittle his canines down and get the fuck over himself).
Another way to talk about what you want sexually is to just do it. Regardless of whether you’re in a super comfortable relationship or are even totally comfortable with yourself and your own sexuality. Once you start doing it, it’ll only get easier. I know we hate practicing things but it’s really the only way to get good at them—and just remember, this type of practice will lead to better orgasms! (Hopefully). Yes, it’s awkward to talk about what you want regarding anything, let alone sex. But make yourself do it, or be condemned to a sex life of nothing but being thrust upon for a few lousy minutes and then left in a puddle of primarily his sweat while he lets out smugly contented sigh after smugly contented sigh—and repeat.
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/talk-want-sexually/