As Featured on News Cult: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Hey, you can’t copyright titles, ok? Or at least that’s what my writing group told me, and since then, I have started my debut novel, Crime and Punishment: [subtitle:] The Tale of One Young Woman’s Journey Through Hitting Someone’s Bumper While Parallel Parking, Maybe/Probably Scratching It But Who Can Really Say, and Not Leaving a Note.

And since I’m an expert on how to lose guys (really only the ones I want—the ones I don’t want are the only ones I can’t shake), I thought I would present you with a guide to dropping them like they’re hot (which they are. And you will never have them.).

Be yourself

Who you are is a turn-off, apparently. So just be you and he’ll be gone in a max of 10 days. Say what you’re thinking, ask for what you need, don’t try to fit a certain mold you think he likes—and whatever else you have the audacity to do that makes the patriarchy uncomfortable.

Eat

Eat with vigor. Eat more than a few celery sticks (we’re talking 5, maybe 6—throw caution to the wind!). Dare to drink regular milk. Order an entree that’s not salmon and doesn’t involve kale. He’ll be so horrified he’ll run for The Hills (where he can find Audrina, the perfect woman embodied).

Be smart

Nothing will make a man dump you like you’re ethical principles and he’s Hillary Clinton as will his own insecurity, and nothing makes men insecure like you being intelligent. And like, I get it—why would they want to be with a girl who questions and puts a lot of thought into things, makes informed decisions, is self-aware, pragmatic, logical, and can debate them under the table? It would basically mean they don’t have a penis.

Be successful

Pls see above^^. If you have a job, let alone one you like and that you’re good at, psht—forget about it. Forget about it even more if you went to college. And if you graduated, you’re basically a spinster.

Give minimal blowjobs

Look, we all know what the male’s driving force is, and it’s not the aspiration to be an upstanding citizen. It’s the good ol’ BJ. Kingdoms have probably risen and fallen on the frequency with which blow jobs were/weren’t being performed/promised. Needless to say, if you’re not all about them, you’ll be cut quicker than you can say “the double, gendered standard of oral sex seems to preclude reciprocation, in and of itself, but, further, of equal regularity and quality.”

Be a decent person

Somehow, the shittier, more manipulative, disingenuous, and inconsiderate you are, the more attractive you are. So just be your normal, decent self. Be sensitive, thoughtful, funny, honest—he’ll be outta there faster than . #ifonlyhecould’vebeenthatquickwhenitcametopullingout

Don’t shave/wax/thread/pluck/epilate/laser/for fuck’s sake how many hair removal processes are we as a society going to invent

In other words, inhabit your body as it was organically meant to be, taking no painful measures to alter it [this goes not just for hair removal, but all things meant to abnormally transform your body—i.e. Botox, plastic surgery, corsets, tanning, tapeworms, etc.]. Nothing scares men away like a natural female body.

Have flaws

Listen, being human isn’t an excuse to be imperfect—what, you thought you could have flaws and someone could love you and want to be with you despite that, and perhaps even for it? LOL. OLOL. OLOLOLOLOL.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/lose-guy-10-days/