FUCK PDA. But seriously—fuck PDA. We don’t want to see your disgusting bodies rubbing up against each other in ways that even zoo animals would consider unnatural. If you’re a PDA person, stop. If you’re with a PDA person, cut that dead weight. But if you can’t avoid it, because we live in a terrible world, here’s how to deal with it.
1. Splash water at it
Just hose the PDAers down.
2. Yell “FIRE”
Wherever you are/it is. You need to vacate the premises.
3. Join in
Try to get in on that action. Just start licking one of the people—their cheek is a 7-Eleven Slurpee® and your tongue is the straw (..?). They’re a child and you’re Puck from Glee (too much? too soon? too much too soon? ).They’re a chipotle burrito; (that we can fuck with). Just like get your juices on/in/around/about their juices. #givingjuicingawholenewmeaning #andprepositions #fulldisclosurehadtoGoogle”preposition” #couldonlyrememberthesquirrel/treeexample #alotoffuckinggoodthatdidme
4. Stare
Most people will get uncomfortable and try to get away from you if you stare at them. So ideally they’ll either stop the PDA or just leave when they notice your eyes locked on theirs. Unless they’re a voyeuristic freak, which now that I think of it most PDA people are, so this is a fucking pointless tactic. #ughhh #IDEFYYOU,PDA!
5. Wage a PDA war
Grab who(m?)ever’s nearest you, whether you know them or not, and start macking all over them. #twocanplaythisgame #wewillPDAyouintotheGROUND
6. Narrate
If these people are going to put on a show, it’s only right that you get to be the announcer. E.g.:
“And here we have Caitlin pouting and purring like an underfed cat while Nathan exudes his patriarchal, overcompensational gropes and groans in the most unflattering of light.”
Or: “Johnny’s going in for the win, folks—straight down the pants. Annnd we have CROTCH CONTACT. I repeat: crotch contact has been made. Are his hands clean? I’d wager not, but it’s impossible to tell until he resurfaces. Do you think they’ll stop when it’s their turn to order? Or will I have to explain the painfully obvious irony of us being in line at a taco stand?”
Or: “It appears we are bearing witness to a heavy petting session. There’s a lot of tongue happening—if you’re watching at home, you may not be able to appreciate the sheer level of moisture that’s occurring, but rest assured, it’s wetter than Bill Clinton’s dick on a good night.”
7. Protest
Exercise your civic duties and mount a protest so that they can’t escape you until they meet your demands or forcibly extract you. If this means you have to lie down in a puddle of melted Dippin’ Dots and stage a sit-in in the middle of the roller coaster line, so be it. If it means you have to filibuster the movie theater all the way through the end credits, do what you have to do. If it means you’re forced to occupy the bar until the couple adjacent to you learns the meaning of GTFO, be a FUCKING PATRIOT AND DO YOUR JOB, AMERICAN.
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/7-ways-deal-annoying-pda/
This is hilarious! I like the narrating especially. My biggest pet peeve is when I’m talking to someone and their boyfriend comes up from behind and starts hugging them like they are posing for pregnancy pictures. I instantly need to walk away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
lololololol OMG YES!!!!!!!! SO true!! and thank you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
So, this isn’t my story, but comes from one of my college roommates. One day he was walking across the mostly deserted quad when he noticed a couple making out at the entrance to the admin building. While he was looking their way, the guy opened his eyes and made eye contact with my roommate. He said it was definitely one of the top three most uncomfortable moments of his life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ugh I HATE when that happens
LikeLike
Yeah, I’m definitely into the idea of narrating that. If that didn’t stop them almost immediately, then posting that on YouTube would certainly be comedy gold.
LikeLiked by 1 person
lol great idea
LikeLiked by 1 person
Have one of your friends take a video/pic of them and photobomb the shit out of it. Then tap them on the shoulder and say “Scuse me, but you guys were just so cute, we couldn’t help ourselves from taking a pic of you. Would you like us to send it to you? What’s your name on fbk, let me add you!”
LikeLiked by 1 person
OMG YES.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Did not think for a second that we’re NOT on the same page with this 😀
LikeLike