This person is my soulmate

When your Internet ads are 👌

When a random guy at a bar

buys you an unsolicited shot and proceeds to tell you that “you need to stop trying so hard to try” and that “you suck at life”

 

Fully Functioning Adult, Party of 1

Barista: “Did I hear you say you hope you get hit by a bus?”

Me:

Considering tracking down my old prison stalker

Maybe he’ll text me back.

Me: Can someone tell how often I view their Instagram?

…. and Facebook …. and Twitter?

Siri:

It wouldn’t be a Saturday night

if I didn’t wake up on Sunday wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

#oranyothernightoftheweekforthatmatter