When your major food group glows in the dark

When the only time you wear workout clothes

is to work.

#What? #WhyelsewouldtheybecalledWORKoutclothes?

When a stranger in your office kitchen

offers you a homemade, gluten- and dairy-free cupcake

As Featured on News Cult: How to Save Money by Eating In

Eating out is so much easier than eating in. It requires no effort on your part and yields much better-tasting results. However, it’s also much more expensive than eating in. Which means we can’t afford to do it more often than not. So here are some tips for making eating in easier and more appealing, which will help you save that (aka, “dat”) money.

Microwave

The microwave is your best friend. Jury’s out on whether you should stand in front of it while it’s on, but other than the fact that it could give you cancer, it’s your best resource! Now, a lot of microwavable food is disgusting. So you have to choose wisely. I’ve found that, overall, Trader Joe’s selection of food for people who are alone in life heat-and-serve options is pretty on point. I’m also a fan of Amy’s. Plus, you can make things in the microwave that aren’t pre-packaged, also. E.g., pop a tortilla in there with some cheese and BAM—quesadilla. Pop a tortilla in there with some PB&J and BAM—PB&J-adilla. Pop some tortilla chips in there with black beans, salsa, and shredded cheddar layered in between and BAM—nachos. And it’s not just tortilla-related items you can make from scratch in the m-wave (we have nicknames for each other), but you can also throw in a sweet potato so you can tell your mom you ate a vegetable when she calls. #adulthood

Food that requires minimal-to-no prep

There’s lots of food that comes ready to eat, in case you’re feeling lazy, which you are, always. Like most fruits and veggies, cheese, hummus, crackers, bread, nuts, dried fruits, granola bars, etc. You can basically make yourself a picnic out of options like this. It will feel very European (especially if you add wine and ride around on a bicycle with a baguette sticking out of your messenger bag). This type of eating in is basically snacking all day, which is my personal favorite. Who doesn’t love snacks!? I bet even Jeffrey Dahmer loved snacks. Ok bad example.

And if by some stroke of luck, you feel like you can put in a bit of effort to your meal-making, there are still lots of options on the easier side. Like steel cut oats (if you get the quick-cooking kind, you only have to boil and then simmer them for 2-5 min—I like to add raisins, honey, and walnuts), smoothies (throw in some frozen fruit, yogurt, juice or almond/soy milk and you’re good to go! If you’re the person who adds leafy greens, crawl into a hole and die.), yogurt with granola, cereal, heat up some pre-made soup, pasta with olive oil and salt, eggs any way, etc. The world is your mother fucking oyster.

Try cooking

I know, I know. It’s so hard. But it can be kind of fun sometimes. Plus, if it turns out badly, you can just blame the recipe. Try to find some cookbooks that look interesting, and just have a go at it. Or, better yet, take a cooking class, where you’ll meet arguably the world’s most annoying segment of people. And, good news is, if you’re single, most recipes are for people who are loved multiple servings, so you’ll have lots of leftovers, extending one meal into four or five (or probably just one, but hey, we tried to try!).

Make your own coffee

You’ll save so much money if you don’t buy coffee or tea out! If you’re like me and you’re the sole reason Starbucks is still in business, it’s time to invest in a coffeemaker at home. And hopefully your office has a decent one, but if not, it’s worth it to bring your own there as well (but don’t be a dick and get the super eco-unfriendly Keurig or Keurig-adjacent machines). If you must, buy an espresso machine that can make all the fancy drinks. Worst comes to worse (or however the fuck that saying goes), get a not-completely-shitty brand of instant coffee for emergencies (where there’s a will, there’s hot water). And I find that keeping some simple creamer or milk and sugar on hand does just fine. Plus, if you’re a fan of flavorings, you can buy bottles of all of those syrups, regular and sugar-free, at most grocery stores or online.

Bring lunch to work

Don’t fall into the trap of eating out every day. It’s such a money-suck. Yes, I’m aware that all of your co-workers do it, but I’m also aware that they’re morons. Use any of the above methods of preparing your own food, and then just throw it into Tupperware that you can easily bring with you to work. I honestly loathe people who say they “meal prep” for the entire week on Sundays, but the idea of getting the next day’s lunch ready at least the night before isn’t completely terrible. If only because it affords you a few more minutes to sleep in the morning (in Sleep’s name we pray, amen), and prevents you from being able to use the “I don’t have time to make my lunch” excuse as you rush out the door (#butreally #don’ttrytoactlikeyoucareaboutbeingontimetowork #please).

If you leave your office during the day

Whether to go on a walk at lunch, just get some fresh air, drop something in the mail, or whatever, don’t bring your wallet, so that even if you want to stop somewhere and buy a snack or lunch or coffee, etc., you can’t. #becausewehavenowillpower #adulthoodonfleek

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/adulting-save-money-eating/

But really though

Shut up. 

When you do hate-yoga

When the 1st graders you volunteer with say their favorite foods are carrots and broccoli

As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage PMS

I’m hesitant to write this because I hate the sexist stereotypes that accompany PMS—that women are at the mercy of their hormones and go crazy when their cycles take over, or, worse, sync up, and can’t act rationally or be in charge of their moods, emotions, or actions. That we should basically be chained to a pole and locked in a shed until the Devil has left our body. I mean, it’s absurd. Like get the fuck out of here. That said, PMS is real, and it does have an effect on the mind and body (by definition—it’s called science look it up). So, while still refusing to comply with the bullshit patriarchal narrative that women are weak, powerless, and all experience PMS in the same debilitating way, I’d like to provide some tips that I’ve found helpful in managing the effects PMS can have on hormone levels and consequently mood and energy (physical and mental).

Don’t fight the tears

Embrace them. You may have the urge to spontaneously burst into tears, and you won’t necessarily understand why, so just let it flow. When it comes to all things menstruation, you just gotta let it flow. Plus, crying is fantastic—a good cry is the ultimate way to feel better. I don’t know how, it must be physiological, but man, crying it out is such an effective way to purge the bullshit. So we’re gaming the system here—using the shitty PMS side effects to our advantage. Because we’re CLEVER, AUTONOMOUS BEINGS WHO AREN’T RULED BY THEIR ENDOCRINE SYSTEMS.

Accept the bloating

It’s unavoidable. Resign yourself to stretch pants for the week so you won’t have the constant reminder of a constricting denim waistband. Like, we get it, jeans, WE DON’T FIT IN YOU AT THIS TIME. GET OFF OUR BACKS. OR, OUR STOMACHS. WHATEVER, IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEANT. #don’tactlikeyoudon’ttalktoyourpantstoo

Cut yourself some slack

If you’re like me, you’ll feel sick and your mood will be negatively affected, so when you feel extra unwell or flustered or impatient, and then get even more upset or annoyed with yourself for feeling that way, take a breath and remember that you feel that way for a reason—it’s much easier to give yourself a break when you’re coming from a compassionate and understanding perspective. Or, you can always scream at the first person you see and/or throw a couple punches. I find that helps too.

Use it as an excuse

Hey, if there’s something positive to be gained from this not-so-positive-overall thing we have to put up with each month, we will take it and walk as slow as possible run with it. We hate doing anything anyways, so if we have what we feel like is a more legitimate excuse to not do something than just our general lethargy and apathy, we’ll use it like ketchup—all day every day (especially if eggs are involved. Which they are, kind of, here. HEY-O self-props for the ovary-related pun!). Sorry, looks like we won’t be able to make it out to that birthday party on Friday night anymore, or brunch, or your niece’s bat mitzvah, or that family friend’s funeral—we’re just not feeling very well. #ifnotfeelingwellmeansnothavingtosocialize,we’llhappilytakeaterminalillness #wevolunteerastribute #wedon’tknowwhatallthepeoplewithZikaarecomplainingabout #they’vegotitmade #pleasenoticetheotherpregnancy/femalereproductivesystem-relatedtie-inviatheZikareference #I’mabortingit

Welcome it

With every round of PMS comes the sigh of relief you get to breathe knowing you’re not pregnant. Unless you’re trying to get pregnant, in which case, sucks for you! But for the rest of us who realize we’d make terrible parents, plus the planet really doesn’t need more people rn (thank you, Duggars), it’s time to celebrate. I suggest throwing yourself a party every month. You can get customized red M&Ms that say “PMS” on them, and balloons that say “It’s Not a Boy!” and “It’s Not a Girl!” and, most importantly, a cake. I’d recommend red velvet.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/yes-real-manage-pms/

As Featured on News Cult: How to be More Confident

We struggle with being confident—for some reason that’s beyond me, because we are perfect unicorn angels, after all. But the pressures of society and our dickwad peers get to us and are the ultimate cock block to self-esteem. So we have to make an effort to bulldoze through those hoops of confidence-smashing, soul-crushing fire and believe that we’re great and worthy and deserving of good things anyways. Here are some tips for how to do that.

Remember Kenny G

Listen, if he’s allowed to exist and not hate himself, you certainly should be, too. #whodoeshethinkheis,notevenputtingaperiodaftertheG #therulesofgrammarstillapplytoyou,bro

Accept that validation can’t come from the outside

Listen, as much as you want your hunky co-worker, or your judgmental grandmother, or your skinny blonde hairstylist to approve of you, your self-worth isn’t defined by anyone but you. So quit relying on other people to validate your existence, because, spoiler alert, you’re never going to be good enough for everyone. Not because you’re actually not good enough, but because other people have standards that have nothing to do with you and therefore that you shouldn’t be trying to meet. And just generally who the fuck cares what anyone thinks? At the end of the day, spoiler alert numero dos: you’re all you have, so the only person that has to put up with you, is you. So make that bed cozy and warm, because you’re gonna have to lay thine head down to sleep each and every night in it. And eventually die in it. #hopefullysoonerthanlater #beoreyoufreakoutandthinkI’msuicidaltakeamomenttoconsiderhowmuchofaburdenyourgrandparentsaretoeveryonearoundthem #eventhebankteller #dieyoungbeforeyoubecomeanimposition

Realize that you’re actually awesome

You may not believe it, but I, along with your parents, am here to tell you. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re painfully human, you’re real, you’re beautiful in your own way. You’re great. Not because you meet a list of arbitrary requirements that equals “hot” as dictated by Cosmo, and not because you only ate three celery sticks today and finally fit into those jeans, and not because you got a great LSAT score or you make 6 figures—you’re great for just being you, flawed, confused, and disgusting as you are. Seriously, you’re a winner for just getting out of bed in the morning. Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed each and every morning? Harder than watching Hillary Clinton pretend she’s got the interests of the middle class at heart. You are stellar for just showing up and refusing to throw in the towel, day in and monotonous day out.

Forget looks

I think most of us base our confidence largely on our appearance. Which, when simply put, is blatantly absurd. Yet, with this image-obsessed society we live in, how could you not? Which is why you have to make an intentional effort to defy the beauty standards that are pushed on you every moment of every day. I personally like to do this by refusing to shower, shave my legs, wash my hair, put on makeup, exercise, not eat doughnuts, and other forms of conscientious objection. If you honestly believe your self-worth is bundled up in the size of your thigh gap, or lack thereof, you are in for a sad, disappointing remainder of your life. Why? Because looks fade. And change. Constantly. And trying to look like Barbie is, by definition, impossible, unrealistic and unsustainable. So chuck those expectations right out the window like you did your hopes and dreams upon graduating college and being in the real world for approximately two minutes. And if you’re hanging out with people who care mostly about looks, ditch those jokers like they’re moldy cottage cheese. Because that’s exactly what they are: toxic.

Look around

No one—I repeat, no one—is doing any better than you. They may seem like they are, or pretend like they are, but they’re just as unsure of themselves as you are. So if your lack of confidence comes from constantly comparing yourself to others, and feeling like they have more reason to be confident, cut it out. It’s easy to look at someone else and say, “gee, they really have it great.” But you don’t know what skeletons are in their closets, keeping them up at night, or what lengths they have to go to in order to maintain the appearance of having one’s shit together, or just how much they’re spending on laser hair removal. And it’s safe to say that they’ve got a lot more issues than you’re giving them credit for. So if you’re going to yearn for anything they have, let it be the ability to project confidence when there is really no underlying justification to do so. If they’re faking it til they make it and fooling you, you’re certainly capable of doing the same. All this is to say, look around and focus on everyone else’s shortcomings, misfortunes, and misery, and revel in it.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/whats-wrong-confident-guide/

Hi, I’m Alex

And I’m a yogurt pretzel-oholic.

That is all.