As Featured on News Cult: Strip Clubs: Let’s Discuss

The last time I discussed this topic with someone, he told me to fuck off and his best friend Internet trolled me hard, so historically it has not been a peaceful one in my experience. But, not one to shy away from a subject just because a couple of psychos can’t handle it, I’m here to talk about it again. I think it’s a complex, important issue that warrants exploration; as Macklemore says, “there’s layers to this shit, player.”

On the surface, the conceit of strip clubs is ostensibly straightforward: they predominantly exist as a place for men to go see naked women. Presumably because they are sexually stimulated by naked women. And because they want to get together with their bros and bro it up while they’re being sexually stimulated (anyone else seeing homoerotic undertones here? Hmm, I wonder why that particular theme is missing from the strip club narrative…). And at strip clubs men are paying to see a certain type of naked woman. Meaning not their naked wife or girlfriend in their bedroom, or bathroom, or shower, or while she’s giving birth. And barring a pimp/ho situation, the women who are stripping choose to strip–they don’t have to be there and they like how much money they’re making. Seems simple enough, right?

Well it’s not. I hate to kill your hard-on, but strip clubs are about more than men going because they like boobs, and women stripping because they feel like it. They’re about the systematic oppression and objectification of women. Here’s why: while most female strippers are probably technically choosing to strip, meaning they’re not literally being forced to, they’re choosing to strip in the context of a society which promotes the objectification of women as not only acceptable, but preferable, desirable, and profitable. I’ve said it 1,000 times before and I’ll say it infinity times again: we don’t live in a vacuum. Meaning that our decisions cannot be solely independent of external influence and pressure. If a stripper popped out of the womb proclaiming “I’m going to strip!” then maybe I’d concede your point that strippers have as much agency as their patrons and society at large. But we all know that’s not what happens.

What happens is that girls are raised in this society and culture, which bombards them, via billboards, film, television, magazines, music, and advertisements, with the message that they need to look sexy for men, and be attractive to men, and their worth, as it’s dictated by men, lies in their physicality and sexuality. So they learn that if they succumb to this objectification, they’ll get ahead in life, personally and professionally. Enter: stripping. A job that pays you to sell your body, and pays you a lot. And reinforces the idea that if you look and act a certain way, you will be admired.

If stripping wasn’t such a lucrative job, I bet a lot of strippers wouldn’t be doing it, and it wouldn’t be so lucrative if our sociocultural model didn’t promote viewing women as sexual objects–lucky for us, two of the things we as a society hold dearest are material wealth and the subjugation of women. So strip clubs are part of a nice, self-sustaining cycle of oppression. It’s pretty fucking straightforward. Don’t feed me your bullshit lines about how strippers like to strip, and want to strip, and there’s nothing exploitative about it; zoom out and look at the bigger picture. When tested against the hard and fast truth that our society overwhelmingly exploits women, all the hot air leaves your argument and it deflates. Of course women are going to choose to strip if it’s the easiest, fastest way for them to get the money and validation they’re taught to desire and value above all else.

Since there seems to be no end of the patriarchy in sight, I propose we start hosting “dress ins”–protests at strip clubs where we go in, storm the stage fully clothed, and refuse to move until women are valued for more than their bodies. We’ll have female poets, artists, authors, lawyers, doctors, musicians, teachers, social workers, etc. who can talk about their jobs and life passions and what it really means to be valuable as a person, and open discussions about feminism. And we’ll knit clothes for the strippers. It’ll be the strip club-goer’s worst nightmare: having to appreciate women for their minds. Actually, that’s what we should all dress up as for Halloween–intelligent women who defy objectification. It’ll be the scariest thing most men have ever seen.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/strip-clubs-theyre-really-not-sexy-think/

 

As Featured on News Cult: The Politics of Body Hair: Let’s Discuss

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It’s interesting how our culture politicizes even the most natural parts of humanity. Whether that’s pregnancy, sexuality, skin color or body hair, I’m not sure how or why things got that way–where every bit of a person’s body is open for scrutinization and up for interpretation–but they did, and we can’t escape it. I want to talk about the politics of body hair because I’m just fascinated by the fact that it’s such a small, minor, normal thing, yet has huge sociocultural and gendered implications.

First of all, we can all agree that body hair is natural. People can’t control their body hair–its thickness, texture, where it grows, how much of it grows, its color–any more than they can control how tall they are, or what gender they are born, or how much they eat. And obviously it serves some sort of evolutionary biological purpose. I don’t know, maybe eyelashes are supposed to protect your eyes from raindrops, or dust, or the end of a blow job. And maybe leg hair is supposed to be a shield against poison ivy, or any prospective suitors. Whatever it is, body hair is there for a reason. So it’s interesting that we insist on grooming and removing and waxing and shaving and cutting and molding it into something different–something unnatural.

Is that just because society decided somewhere along the way that certain styles and types of body hair are socially acceptable and others aren’t? It has to be, right? Body hair trends have changed over time in a way that only subjective, societally dictated trends can. Like in the 70s bush was all the rage, but now if you don’t get a Brazilian every 3 weeks you’re basically a leper.  God forbid you don’t shave your legs, or armpits–hairy arms? You should be quarantined! But noticing a trend here? Let me help you I AM–these rules generally only apply to FEMALES. What a SURPRISE. Sociocultural norms that oppressively define women? No way–get outta here! That can’t be!

Like, what else is new. It’s fairly straightforward–female body hair must look a certain way for women to be viewed as sexually attractive. And the times dictate what those ways are–it may have been bush in the 70s, and now it’s bare. But either way, the trends are female-centric and female-dominating. Sure, men may generally be looked at as kind of gross if they have a super hairy back. But in the heterosexual paradigm, men are allowed to have hairy legs, arms, armpits, even chests, and still be considered attractive. And body hair isn’t just acceptable for men, it’s encouraged. Especially facial hair. For example, beards on men are often considered a plus, especially in this age of Hipster invasion. If you’re a woman with a beard, though, or a moustache, then you’re not seen as a woman. You aren’t feminine enough, and therefore you aren’t sexy enough.

So you have to get to work to remove it. Make it nice and pretty, put a fucking bow on it, and then, and only then, can you be welcomed back into the physically attractive females club. And as much as I’d like to say I’m a warrior who fights this sexist hair removal mandate, I totally buy into it. But only for the sake of others. If I’m not having sex with or dating anyone, or wearing shorts or 3/4 leggings or a tank top, I don’t shave my legs or armpits, bleach my Greek moustache, put any effort into styling the hair on my head, or get a bikini wax. Because frankly I don’t give a damn when it’s just me. But if I’m having sex with or dating someone, or wearing clothes that show my legs or armpits, I shave and wax and groom and trim and bleach and blow dry. And it takes so. much. effort. Like, every time I shave my legs it’s such a feat that I feel like I never have to do it again. And then two hours later I’ve already got stubble.

And sure, there are exceptions to this–some men don’t care about female body hair, if not actually prefer more of it. But if I were a betting man, I’d say those guys are in the minority. And yet, I don’t have a solution. Besides openly defying the pressure to meet body hair standards. And the trade off there is then that you don’t get to partake in things that attractive/hairless people partake in–dating, having sex, being socially accepted. Which actually we don’t really care that much about anyways, so maybe we do just need to say fuck it–and let it grow. Because if someone isn’t going to want to be with us because of our body hair, they probably aren’t worth being with anyways.

So here’s my challenge to anyone, especially any women, reading this: think about why you groom your body hair the way you do. And if you come to the conclusion that it’s primarily because of external influences, stop doing it. Instead, do what naturally feels right and comfortable to you. And embrace that. Everything else will fall into place where it should when you accept yourself. Your TRUE self–which may be messy, hairy, and generally just not that put together–but you should love it anyways–and because of all of those things. And whoever you surround yourself with should love you despite and because of all those things too. Call me radical, unrealistic, weird, whatever–if you don’t like it, you can kiss my hairy, but empowered and self-loving, ass.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=68316

As Featured on News Cult: The Best Picnic Foods

#dreampicnictbh #swoon

Picnics are great. Because they involve food. You can do them with people or by yourself (you don’t need anyone, you eat alone all the time! Literally–you’re eating at all times. Usually solo.). You don’t even have to go outside–have one on your floor! This is where you’re usually eating alone anyways!

Here are the best things to stock your picnic basket with.

Alcohol

The most important food group.

Cheese

Also the most important food group.

Salads, of the Pasta and Potato Varieties

The only kinds of salad we’ll be eating.

Bread

An entire loaf or three will do.

Chipotle

It never hurts to throw a Quesarito in there.

Cake

Pretty sure Marie Antoinette was talking about picnics.

Bread Pudding

This will be your second bread course.

Cheesecake

We’re mixing and matching, people! Don’t limit yourselves!

Fruit

In the form of ice cream. Or pie.

Hot dogs

You can never have enough hot dogs. Plus like they’re just so American. If you don’t picnic with hot dogs, 9/11 is your fault.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=68116

As Featured on News Cult: An Open Letter to Skinny Jeans

Dear Skinny Jeans,

You are one fickle, sneaky, stubborn opponent. You rival the scariest of ghosts; you haunt our every waking and dreaming (but really nightmaring thanks to you) moment. One minute you’re simpatico, the next you’re about as easy to get into as one of the Duggar girls. Which actually may be easier than they make it seem on TV. Because their outlook on sex is just really unrealistic. And if the oldest brother is any indication, those motherfuckers’ bodies are ready.

Why must you exist. I have a bone to pick with the person responsible for your conception. Because the thing is, we like stretchy clothes. And we eat. So we don’t love trying to squeeze into skinny jeans. Like why can’t we all just wear leggings and/or sweatpants and call it a day? Does anyone actually enjoy having their thighs constricted by denim? Like, do you like it when the bitchy Latina nurse ties the chafe-y elastic band around your arm and pulls tight like she’s playing tug of war and the prize is job appreciation? Didn’t think so. Our butt and thighs and love handles are not sausages in need of casing. They are sausages in need of freedom; (really–I’m pretty sure they have the same fat content and general appearance as a pork link).

The only reason people like you is because they consider you to be flattering–slimming. And they think that skinny is better, so it’s better to be able to fit into skinny jeans than to not. You’re like a key to a secret club–a club made of desirable, attractive, slender people. As long as someone can pull you off, they’re welcome. But as soon as they plump up, muffin top out, their membership is revoked. But the thing is, beauty is subjective, doesn’t last forever (at least outwardly), and doesn’t define a person. So, really, you are baseless. You have no leg to stand on. Or, you have no leg to… clothe? Whatever–the point is, you’re just another fad, another bandwagon trend, another capricious hobby of the vapid masses, and soon enough you’ll Heath Ledger–burn out and fade away, baby.

And, in the meantime, please stop taunting us. Because as long as you’re around, we’re going to try but fail to get into you. We might as well be rapists. And we’re going to pretend like having you around is a good system of checks & balances for us, a la the three branches of the U.S. government, so we never get to the point where we can’t fit in you, when really, you’re just the rain on everyone’s parade and we don’t want you anyway and you can’t sit with us and it’s our party and we’ll cry if we want to. So kindly leave. Make like a black kid’s father and split.

With hatred,

Our big hips

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=66338

Nicole Arbour:

more proof that our society doesn’t give a fuck if someone isn’t funny and doesn’t have anything intelligent to say, so long as she’s skinny, blonde and puts her tits on display.

 

#YASSSCHRISSYTIEGEN #whowould’veeverthoughtI’dsidewithamodel #watchoutNicole,Chrissy’scomingforyou

As Featured on News Cult: The Best Froyo Toppings

Frozen yogurt, AKA Froyo–the sweet, creamy nectar of what could only be God’s teat; or Betty White’s. It’s basically everything. And it can only be enhanced by toppings. Here are the best ones IMO (but let’s be real I know this shit like it’s the back of every guy’s head I’ve ever dated as he’s walked away from me I’ve got it down to a science and if there’s one thing IDFW, it’s this).

1. Waffle cone pieces

Hallelujah. I have no words for how delicious a waffle cone is. And when you get to break it up and have a piece in every bite? Dead.

2. Mochi

It’s all about the texture, people. These chewy little bits are so satisfying and provide a nice counterpart to the crunchy toppings.

3. Sprinkles

Again, a little crunchy, but without significant flavor or calories–if we can trick ourselves into eating without being painfully aware that we’re not consuming anything of significant substance, sign us up!

4. Fruit

ATTN: DEPENDING ON WHAT FLAVOR YOU GET. If you get a tart flavor, or sorbet, load it up with all the fruit you could ever desire. But if you get a dairy-based flavor, or creamier flavor, proceed with caution. I’m a big fan of raspberries, strawberries and blackberries–but I think when you move into mango/pineapple territory, you need to choose a little more carefully. Also, the fruit will freeze, so be prepared to bite into that–personally, I think that kind of takes the fun out of it, plus fruit is sort of healthy, and we don’t do healthy, so any excuse to avoid it.

5. Gummy Bears

Again, highly dependent on what flavor you get–I think these really only work with fruit flavors, the more tart/sorbet-adjacent, the better. These will also freeze, but we’ll put up with it because they’re not healthy, and also I personally like the tougher chewy texture that comes with slightly frozen gummies.

6. Chocolate chips

It’s important to incorporate a chocolate-based topping–this can be in the form of chocolate chips, M&Ms, chocolate shavings, or if you want to get a little crazy and add some peanut butter, spring for the Reese’s Pieces, or bits of Snickers, Kit Kat, peanut butter cups, whatever–go CRAZY.

7. A sauce

Caramel, milk chocolate fudge, regular chocolate syrup, or even that kind that gets hard when you drizzle it (that’s what she said?). This is a nice finishing touch that rounds out all the other toppings. Tie. it. together. guys. Exercise some grace and elegance–we’re not heathens, we know how to be polished when it really counts, i.e. when there’s food involved.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/lifes-short-plain-frozen-yogurt-best-froyo-toppings/

When you feel strongly about something

#itsamatterofprinciple

ATTN:

FULL-SIZE DONUTS ARE NOW OFFERED AS A TOPPING AT YOGURTLAND.

When you make a pizza date

  

When you find the award you were given at band camp

in high school  

Not much has changed.