As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with PDA

FUCK PDA. But seriously—fuck PDA. We don’t want to see your disgusting bodies rubbing up against each other in ways that even zoo animals would consider unnatural. If you’re a PDA person, stop. If you’re with a PDA person, cut that dead weight. But if you can’t avoid it, because we live in a terrible world, here’s how to deal with it.

1. Splash water at it

Just hose the PDAers down.

2. Yell “FIRE”

Wherever you are/it is. You need to vacate the premises.

3. Join in

Try to get in on that action. Just start licking one of the people—their cheek is a 7-Eleven Slurpee® and your tongue is the straw (..?). They’re a child and you’re Puck from Glee (too much? too soon? too much too soon? ).They’re a chipotle burrito; (that we can fuck with). Just like get your juices on/in/around/about their juices. #givingjuicingawholenewmeaning #andprepositions #fulldisclosurehadtoGoogle”preposition” #couldonlyrememberthesquirrel/treeexample #alotoffuckinggoodthatdidme

4. Stare

Most people will get uncomfortable and try to get away from you if you stare at them. So ideally they’ll either stop the PDA or just leave when they notice your eyes locked on theirs. Unless they’re a voyeuristic freak, which now that I think of it most PDA people are, so this is a fucking pointless tactic. #ughhh #IDEFYYOU,PDA!

5. Wage a PDA war

Grab who(m?)ever’s nearest you, whether you know them or not, and start macking all over them. #twocanplaythisgame #wewillPDAyouintotheGROUND

6. Narrate

If these people are going to put on a show, it’s only right that you get to be the announcer. E.g.:

“And here we have Caitlin pouting and purring like an underfed cat while Nathan exudes his patriarchal, overcompensational gropes and groans in the most unflattering of light.”

Or: “Johnny’s going in for the win, folks—straight down the pants. Annnd we have CROTCH CONTACT. I repeat: crotch contact has been made. Are his hands clean? I’d wager not, but it’s impossible to tell until he resurfaces. Do you think they’ll stop when it’s their turn to order? Or will I have to explain the painfully obvious irony of us being in line at a taco stand?”

Or: “It appears we are bearing witness to a heavy petting session. There’s a lot of tongue happening—if you’re watching at home, you may not be able to appreciate the sheer level of moisture that’s occurring, but rest assured, it’s wetter than Bill Clinton’s dick on a good night.”

7. Protest

Exercise your civic duties and mount a protest so that they can’t escape you until they meet your demands or forcibly extract you. If this means you have to lie down in  a puddle of melted Dippin’ Dots and stage a sit-in in the middle of the roller coaster line, so be it. If it means you have to filibuster the movie theater all the way through the end credits, do what you have to do. If it means you’re forced to occupy the bar until the couple adjacent to you learns the meaning of GTFO, be a FUCKING PATRIOT AND DO YOUR JOB, AMERICAN.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/7-ways-deal-annoying-pda/

When you’re not sure if you’re on a date

(are you ever?) and you get into a debate with the guy about the part of the Bible that says to sell your daughter into slavery

#I’msorry…whatistheretodebate?

And you see the way a little bit of his soul dies when he asks you if you’re pro-choice and you answer with a resounding “YES.” Followed up by “ABSOLUTELY.” And then “100%.”

And then he invites you to go to church with him

As Featured on News Cult: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Hey, you can’t copyright titles, ok? Or at least that’s what my writing group told me, and since then, I have started my debut novel, Crime and Punishment: [subtitle:] The Tale of One Young Woman’s Journey Through Hitting Someone’s Bumper While Parallel Parking, Maybe/Probably Scratching It But Who Can Really Say, and Not Leaving a Note.

And since I’m an expert on how to lose guys (really only the ones I want—the ones I don’t want are the only ones I can’t shake), I thought I would present you with a guide to dropping them like they’re hot (which they are. And you will never have them.).

Be yourself

Who you are is a turn-off, apparently. So just be you and he’ll be gone in a max of 10 days. Say what you’re thinking, ask for what you need, don’t try to fit a certain mold you think he likes—and whatever else you have the audacity to do that makes the patriarchy uncomfortable.

Eat

Eat with vigor. Eat more than a few celery sticks (we’re talking 5, maybe 6—throw caution to the wind!). Dare to drink regular milk. Order an entree that’s not salmon and doesn’t involve kale. He’ll be so horrified he’ll run for The Hills (where he can find Audrina, the perfect woman embodied).

Be smart

Nothing will make a man dump you like you’re ethical principles and he’s Hillary Clinton as will his own insecurity, and nothing makes men insecure like you being intelligent. And like, I get it—why would they want to be with a girl who questions and puts a lot of thought into things, makes informed decisions, is self-aware, pragmatic, logical, and can debate them under the table? It would basically mean they don’t have a penis.

Be successful

Pls see above^^. If you have a job, let alone one you like and that you’re good at, psht—forget about it. Forget about it even more if you went to college. And if you graduated, you’re basically a spinster.

Give minimal blowjobs

Look, we all know what the male’s driving force is, and it’s not the aspiration to be an upstanding citizen. It’s the good ol’ BJ. Kingdoms have probably risen and fallen on the frequency with which blow jobs were/weren’t being performed/promised. Needless to say, if you’re not all about them, you’ll be cut quicker than you can say “the double, gendered standard of oral sex seems to preclude reciprocation, in and of itself, but, further, of equal regularity and quality.”

Be a decent person

Somehow, the shittier, more manipulative, disingenuous, and inconsiderate you are, the more attractive you are. So just be your normal, decent self. Be sensitive, thoughtful, funny, honest—he’ll be outta there faster than . #ifonlyhecould’vebeenthatquickwhenitcametopullingout

Don’t shave/wax/thread/pluck/epilate/laser/for fuck’s sake how many hair removal processes are we as a society going to invent

In other words, inhabit your body as it was organically meant to be, taking no painful measures to alter it [this goes not just for hair removal, but all things meant to abnormally transform your body—i.e. Botox, plastic surgery, corsets, tanning, tapeworms, etc.]. Nothing scares men away like a natural female body.

Have flaws

Listen, being human isn’t an excuse to be imperfect—what, you thought you could have flaws and someone could love you and want to be with you despite that, and perhaps even for it? LOL. OLOL. OLOLOLOLOL.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/lose-guy-10-days/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Rejection

Rejection is one of the many sad facts of life. Whether it’s from a job, a school, a love interest, a credit card application, an unreturned text message to your mother, or the doorman at a club who won’t let you in because you’re wearing flip flops, despite your 30-min long diatribe on the oppressiveness of gendered dress codes, it hurts just the same. But luckily, I am an expert in being rejected, so allow me to give you some tips on how to deal with it.

Stop drop and roll

… it off your shoulders. Take a minute to be disappointed, shocked, and paralyzed, and then move on with your life. You have a lot more being rejected succeeding to do. 

Hack 

Into the phone of the person who rejected you, mix up the names and numbers of their contacts, and let the uncomfortable text messages begin…. I.e. swap the labels for:

-Their mom’s # and their boyfriend’s (“Jason, don’t panic, but I think I’m pregnant.” ….. “What?? Does Jason know? Is it his? I never liked him! When I met him at Christmas I got a really bad vibe. I wasn’t going to say anything but clearly this relationship has gone too far. You obviously can’t keep it. That boy couldn’t father a goldfish.”)

-Their boss’s # and their BFF’s (“OMG I AM GOING TO KILL MY BOSS HE’S BEING SUCH A PRICK TODAY.” ….. “You’re fired.”)

-Their doctor’s # and their ex-boyfriend’s (“So just to clarify, my HPV test is positive but it’s for the cancer kind, not the wart kind?” ….. “HELLO.. What?? Did you give me HPV? Do I have to tell my slimmer, sexier, dumber new girlfriend that I might have given her HPV?”) [This is assuming anyone is fortunate enough to be able to text their doctor—a privilege for which I would happily give all of my legs and arms. #I’dbeblowin’upthatphone]

Deny

What was that? You tried to reject me? No you didn’t. I CAN’T HEAR YOU. OVER THE SOUND OF MY AWESOMENESS. WHICH MAKES ME UN-REJECTABLE.  

Know that everybody hurts

Sometimes. When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on, well, everybody hurts sometimes. Everybody cries. So hold on. Hold on.

Throw a tantrum

You’ve always been good at tantrums—just ask your childhood babysitter circa ages 6-8. Scream, cry, kick, scratch, until you either get your way, receive acknowledgment by the other party of their absurd wrongdoing, or the authorities drag your unyielding body off the premises. 

Walk away

Knowing that it’s their loss. If they’re going to reject you, you don’t want them anyway. It’s that simple. Because there’s no scenario in which it makes sense that someone wouldn’t want you—you’re literally perfect and fine, you’ll take your marbles elsewhere; you don’t need this kind of negativity in your life, and if they aren’t capable of recognizing your narcissism greatness, then someone equally sociopathic better will!

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/guide-dealing-rejection/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk About What You Want Sexually

Honestly, I have no idea how to talk about what you want sexually. As a girl, I’ve always felt like sex isn’t for me—it’s for the guy. Because it’s easier for him, by anatomical definition, and because of the male-dominated society we live in. Our culture and media is overwhelmingly geared towards male satisfaction—sexual and otherwise.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “that’s not true!” and I bet those of you are men. And therein lies the problem—sure, guys sometimes have to go out of their comfort zones to get what they want sexually, but usually, it’s within their comfort zones, or within reach. Whereas girls have to take a 13 hour red-eye out of their comfort zone to get to the point of even possibly maybe hopefully beginning to get what they want sexually. Yes, these are generalizations, but they are also based in truth. And so the deck, once again, is stacked in the male’s favor, and the burden to accommodate is left on women.

So how is this remedied? I honestly don’t know, because my sexual history can best be summed up as, “unfortunate.” But I have some theories. The most important of which I think is to build trust with your sexual partner (I really hate when people refer to a person you have sex with as a “partner” but what else am I gonna call it? “Lover”? Sure as fuck no). This entails probably waiting to have sex with someone until you know them well enough to feel comfortable with them, and, furthermore, maybe trying to not have a billion partners at once. Now I’m not saying it’s slutty to have multiple and/or noncommittal partners—I have no value judgement to impart on anyone’s choice of their sexual partners’ quality or quantity. Butwhat I have learned is that sex is better when it’s with someone you can trust and care about, and vice versa.

This is probably because asking for what you want sexually is making yourself vulnerable, so while it’s never going to be completely comfortable, it’s going to be a lot easier when it involves someone you don’t feel like you have to play a part for, and who wants your sexual relationship to be mutually beneficial. Unfortunately, I think this quality of relationship is hard to find, whether because our society has made casual sex and instant gratification the goals, or because people really are just so shitty that a good one is about as hard to find as a hair of Donald Trump’s natural color on his head. But I’d say still hold out for that person who you’re going to feel good about communicating your sexual preferences to, because I think it really will be worth it. Alternatively, it may never happen and you’ll live a life of solo masturbation until you die, but you were doing that anyways so you really have nothing to lose.

Besides developing a nurturing, honest, open relationship with your partner, I think another thing that can help with asking for what you want sexually is some focus on exploring and accepting your own sexuality. Sex is often associated with shame, and I’m not really sure why (besides some hypocritical, oppressive religious decrees). I think a lot of us grow up feeling weird about sex, for lack of a better word, and like it’s “bad” or “taboo” or off limits. So you have to put in some effort (ugh I know) to undo that bias and work towards a more accepting, embracing approach to your sexuality. People like what they like. We all have different sexual preferences, and if you keep being ashamed of yours, you’re never going to have a satisfying sex life.

Try to think about what gives you pleasure, what you like/don’t like, etc., accept it, and go for it. Of course your sexuality is fluid and can always change, so be flexible, but also don’t be afraid to dive in and pursue what you’re into. The more you love and accept what you want sexually, the easier it’ll be to ask for that from someone else. This doesn’t mean I will stop mercilessly mocking people like the guy in the “Marriage” episode of Chelsea Handler’s new Netflix documentary who goes by “Sir” and lives with his female sex “slaves,” whom he names after “animals or food,” and who have to ask him for permission to sit down when they’re out in public, of course. But they’re entitled to do their thing and get off how they get off (and I’m entitled to write a thesis on all of the things wrong with it and think he has weird lizard eyes and maybe he should whittle his canines down and get the fuck over himself).

Another way to talk about what you want sexually is to just do it. Regardless of whether you’re in a super comfortable relationship or are even totally comfortable with yourself and your own sexuality. Once you start doing it, it’ll only get easier. I know we hate practicing things but it’s really the only way to get good at them—and just remember, this type of practice will lead to better orgasms! (Hopefully). Yes, it’s awkward to talk about what you want regarding anything, let alone sex. But make yourself do it, or be condemned to a sex life of nothing but being thrust upon for a few lousy minutes and then left in a puddle of primarily his sweat while he lets out smugly contented sigh after smugly contented sigh—and repeat.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/talk-want-sexually/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Get Along with Your Guy Friends’ Girlfriends

Your guy friends—God love ’em—often choose terrible girlfriends. Which is why you aren’t dating them. But, interacting with their annoying GFs is unavoidable if you want to maintain your friendships with them. So here’s how to get along with their girlfriends.

Shower her with compliments

Especially when you first meet her—make a great first impression, and you’ll be forever loved by the GF. Here are some lines you can use:

•”O.M.G. Your hair is so shiny! Like even if it’s because you haven’t washed it, it’s still really really reflective of light.”

-OR-

•”Where did you get that dress?! It’s so hard to find clothes that flatter plus size women!”

-OR-

•”You know I just think it’s so great that Greg has finally found someone who likes to just sit in the corner and always seems to be cold (like get a sweater am I right?!) and never wants to participate in conversation. Really—how awesome is it for him that he gets to be graced by such a delicate, stereotypically feminine presence?”

Don’t talk too much

As with in the animal kingdom, you have to establish who is the dominant one—who is the predator and who is the prey. Of course, the girlfriend has to think she’s the dominant one, or else she’ll feel threatened by your bond with her guy. So don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. And even then, be as monosyllabic as possible. I suggest ending with, “Yes, massa” every time you address her.

Dress like a bag lady

Listen, ladies—we don’t want to threaten her with our marvelous curves, so let’s just dress like we push around a shopping cart full of other people’s trash for a living. Intentionally rip your sweatpants and drag them through the mud if you have to; shack up with a homeless person for a week to get into character; don ‘t shower for 12 days (psht easy)—we have to do what we have to do to authenticate our drab look. If you show up looking fly, she’s going to consider you competition, and no amount of you explaining that notrust you—you have no desire to bang her boyfriend because no offense but if the fit of his skinny jeans is any indication, he’s not packing much down there, is going to save you.

Ask her about their relationship

People love to talk about their relationships. It’s verbal PDA. How they met, where they traveled over the holiday, what they got each other for their anniversary, blah blah blah soooooo don’t care, but they don’t have to know that—just get them talking and it’s a runaway train. Use the fact that they think their relationship is just really neat to your advantage. You could even check a few emails, finish your grocery list, and call your mom to yell at her for not texting you back while they’re on their roll—they won’t notice.

Criticize yourself a lot

Make it clear that, lookyou don’t like you, either. So you certainly don’t expect her to. In fact, you’re on team her—you’d choose her over you any day. You can see why Greg is with her—hell, you’d date her given the chance. So don’t worry, you come in peace. You’re hoping that you can both just take pity on you and use that as a common ground on which you can get along. Mutual hatred is a great unifier. I find it also helps if you walk into your first interaction with her waving a white flag—the bigger, the better. Strip a sheet off a [reputable] hotel bed [otherwise you run the risk of stains, which will only serve to discredit you], and come into the bar swinging that thing loud and clear.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/get-along-guy-friends-girlfriends/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Survive Meeting Your Significant Other’s Parents

If you, miraculously, have a significant other, at some point you’re going to have to meet their parents [assuming you don’t fuck the relationship up and it lasts long enough]. It will make you suicidal, homicidal—all kinds of -idal. It’s arguably one of the most effective methods of torture. Your SO’s parents are going to hate you because of course. So here’s how you survive meeting them.

Bring a gift

Everybody loves a gift. Thus, it follows that even people who are bound to hate you will love a gift. And, if you bring them a gift, which they will love, then hopefully maybe they will hate you a little bit less. It’s mathematical logic, guys—it can’t fail. I suggest flowers (although then you run the risk that they’re allergic and you’re the asshole who inflamed their nasal passages), or wine (unless of course they’re an alcoholic, which, knowing their son/daughter, how could they not be, and then you’re responsible for their relapse which will go over so well), or something they can use in their home, like decorative dish towels (but then you’re kind of implying that they’re dirty), or a candle (which of course sends the message that they smell), or a cool culinary tool (but then it’s like “What, are you saying I’m a bad mother because I don’t cook enough?? You know, not all of us, unlike your mother apparently, had the luxury of quitting our jobs upon impregnation and becoming homemakers”).

Give a firm hand shake

You don’t want them taking your wet fish handshake as a sign of weakness. You can prepare for this by doing hand grip exercises in the weeks leading up to your meeting. Offer to open every pickle jar out there, steal your co-worker’s 3M stress ball and never let it go, and practice your handshake on particularly frail people (i.e. your dying grandmother, your boss’s toddler, or the anorexic girl in front of you in line at Ralph’s who has a cart full of cucumbers and cayenne pepper).

Dress like you’re going to church

Just in case they “don’t like tattoos” or “think V-necks are the Devil’s work” or “have a rod so long and stiff up their ass that they need a turtleneck to cover it up, hence their alarming affinity for neck coverage, whether by Elizabethan ruff or brass rings—whatever it takes. #exposednecksarethestuffofhos.”

Do your research

Find out what their interests are, what they studied in college, what they do for work, who their favorite sports teams are, etc., beforehand so you can show up with talking points aplenty. E.g.:

•”Mrs. Brown, I hear you majored in Women’s Studies. Which frankly is a surprise because you’re pretty much a walking trophy for The Patriarchy. For example, your multiple [bad] boob jobs, your reliance on your husband for financial support, the fact that you turn a blind eye when he goes to the strip club every Friday (at least)… Please explain.”

-OR-

•”Mr. Johnson, I hear you are a big fan of Ray Lewis. Just wondering, how can you justify your admiration for him given he’s a cold-blooded murderer? Do you just give a free pass to pro athletes? I mean, should I be worried about ever being alone in an elevator with you?”

-OR-

•”Mr. & Mrs. Swanson, I understand you work for [insert any big bank here] on Wall Street. How can you sleep at night? Are you aware of your extreme, soulless corruption? Do you understand that you’re giant pieces of shit? We’re talking supersized—in true American spirit.”

Avoid eye contact

Just in case they’re like dogs and take it as a challenge. The last thing you want is to find yourself going head-to-head with them about why Bernie Sanders is the best candidate in the upcoming presidential election, and maybe they can’t understand that because they’re greedy, tax-evading, white collar criminals who hate brown people, but it’s just simply the truth.

Be Yourself

Look, at the end of the day, fuck these people. You just do you, and they can take it or leave it (as with all life situations). If they don’t like you, it’s not because of you, but because of the death grip they have on their child’s ability to be an independent, free-thinking adult. Sometimes there’s just no winning, especially with helicopter parents. So throw caution to the wind and be your glorious, frighteningly messy, imperfect self. Plus, how could they not like you? You eat Fruity Pebbles for every meal, inner-thigh holes don’t deter you from wearing pants, and you cry more than any other person you know. If that’s not pitiful a winner, I don’t know what is.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/survive-meeting-significant-others-parents/