As Featured on News Cult: Suggested Taglines for the “Real Housewives”

If it was my job to come up with the taglines The Real Housewives recite at the opening of each episode, here’s what I’d contribute.

•”I’m not anorexic, I’m just better than you.”

•”I don’t need to stay relevant, I never was.”

•”If you want a prenup, I don’t want you.”

•”Don’t get jealous, get Botox.”

•”People may think I’m dumb, and they’re right.”

•”I didn’t marry for money, I married for millions.”

•”You might recognize me from daytime TV, but I’m Rated-R.”

•”You’d be obsessed with me too if you had these calves.”

•”I’m single and ready to file bankruptcy.”

•”I thank God every day for white privilege.”

•”Third husband’s a charm!”

•”If Charlize Theron thinks it’s hard being pretty, she should see me.”

•”I’m not a princess, I’m just a self-important asshole.”

•”Money can’t buy me—it does.”

•”People think they know me, but this nut is tough to crack.”

•”Bad nose jobs are a girl’s best friend.”

•”This gold digger went to the School of Mines.”

•”If you think I’m a piece of work, you should see my boobs.”

•”I may have a horse-mouth, but that doesn’t mean I’ll spill my secrets.”

•”I don’t gossip—I’ll call you an ‘alcoholic whore’ straight to your face.”

•”Lip injections may be temporary, but chin implants are forever.”

•”You, too, can marry for money if you work hard enough.”

•”I may be a hot mess, but at least I’m hot. And you’re not.”

•”If you don’t constantly look alarmed, you’re not doing it right!”

•”How can I be shallow, if my pockets are so deep?”

•”People think my husband is controlling, but he’s just a sexist pig.”

•”Money isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

•”People try to put me in a box, but I’ll only go if it’s cubic zirconia-encrusted.”

•”Don’t cry because it’s over—you’ll get wrinkles!”

•”Your name doesn’t have to be Felicia for me to say ‘BYE.'”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/suggested-taglines-real-housewives/

As Featured on News Cult: Questions I Would Ask the “Real Housewives” If I Ever Had the Chance to Interview Them

You’d think the infinity “reunion specials” for each season of each Real Housewives franchise would be enough to answer any questions I have for them, but nope—I’ve got more. So here’s what I would ask the “Real Housewives” if I was ever graced with the chance to interview them.

1. Are you ever confronted with the utter meaninglessness of your existence and everything you hold dear?

2. Studies show you’ve singlehandedly kept the taffeta industry in business. Why?

Part b) Why?

3. Have you ever eaten bread?

Part b) And kept it down?

4. How many Chinese children did it take to bedazzle everything you own?

5. What’s up with your face?

6. How many homeless people have you hit & run with your Bentley?

A) At least 3

B) Approx 10

C) Def in the teens and Suge Knight’ed at least 4 of them too

7. Who will get to keep the offshore accounts when your marriage falls apart on national television—you or your husband?

8. Do you ever worry that your children will take after you?

9. How much do you pay your Mexican nanny/maid/personal assistant/cook/gardener/parent to your kids?

10. Are you jealous that your husband has more Botox than you?

11. Marry Fuck, marry, or marry kill: Donald Sterling, Donald Trump, and Hugh Hefner?

12. How much money did you spend last year on throwing “charity events” and how much money did you actually raise for charity?

13. Is tax evasion an acquired skill, or are you just born with it?

14. Can you really be considered human if the majority of your body is composed of synthetic materials?

15. Which of the choices below would you use to describe your skin color?

A) Tang

B) Hi-C

C) Pyridium

16. It’s fair to say your marriage is a form of prostitution, correct?

17. But seriously your face though

18. Which of the below would you say best describes your fashion mantra?

A) Every day is prom night!”

B) “If it’s not chunky, it’s not jewelry. #likevomit #asincannedbeefstew #see:myassbeforeIhaditreplaced

C) “Your clothing should always be more expensive than the cost of clean water for any given impoverished country. Otherwise, how can you be sure you’re better than all those brown people?”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/questions-ask-real-housewives-ever-chance-interview/

As Featured on News Cult: How You Can Help Get Bernie Sanders Elected

If you’re #FeelingtheBern as much as I am, there is a lot you can do to help get Bernie Sanders elected. Here are some ways you can get involved.

Volunteer

Volunteering is probably the best thing you can do. Click on the link above to sign up, and see below for several specific things you can do as a volunteer.

1. Phone banking

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This is one of the most important ways people can volunteer for Bernie. Phone banking is basically cold calling people on behalf of the campaign. It sounds intimidating, because most of us don’t give anyone who cold calls us the time of day. But it’s 100x easier and better than you fear. It’s a simple process and you get to use a tool called the “Bernie Dialer” (how BOMB is that). The above link provides step-by-step instructions, including a script of what to say, and you can do it from basically anywhere, for however long you want during the designated hours on the site, as long as you have a computer or tablet and a phone (perpetually sweatpant/PJ-wearing people, unite! You can literally change the world from your couch).

You’re not even necessarily trying to convince people to vote for Bernie or asking for money, so it doesn’t even get that awkward—you’re primarily gathering data that will be helpful to the campaign, like identifying Bernie supporters and non-supporters, or encouraging people to get out and vote, and so on. The goal of phone banking changes depending on the day (because it relates to which state primaries and caucuses are coming up), which is all updated on the website so it’s easy to understand what the directive is for whenever you decide to do it.

It’s all part of an empirical process, which is not only cool to learn about, but also means that you won’t be doing anything inappropriate—you’ll only be calling people who have made their contact info available to the campaign, (whether by registering to vote, affiliating with a political party in a certain geographical area, or otherwise), so it’s not like you’re illegally invading their privacy. And even if they react negatively, all you have to do is politely thank them for their time, silently curse them, and put them down as “do not call” for the future (you enter the results of each call using the Bernie Dialer so the campaign knows who to not call again, if someone no longer lives at their listed number, and other things like that).

The best part is that people hold phone banking parties, where a bunch of you get together to do it, so you can commiserate, eat and drink (we’ll literally do anything if it means we get fed). And most people who attend phone banking parties don’t already know each other, so you don’t have to worry about feeling out of place. But you’ll basically become family—there are a few things in life that bond people like none other: going to war, raising a child with someone, and phone banking. And trust me, you’ll only get one or two people who yell at you about how they hope Trump wins and “gets those Arabs out of New York,” so don’t even sweat it!

Check the link^^ to find a phone banking party near you. Or host your own! And try to get in some calls before the New York primary tomorrow if you can!

2. Register voters

You can find a training session to attend on the above link so you’ll be equipped to get out and register voters. This is important because when there’s a high voter turnout, Bernie does better. And with all of the voter fraud that’s been going on, it’s important that people are given fair access to their right to vote, and understand what registering under certain political parties means for when/where they can vote, as well as deadlines, voter ID laws, etc.

3. Go to events

There are tons of events you can attend in support of Bernie—rallies, voter registration drives, marches, canvassing opportunities, etc.—where you’ll meet great people and learn of all sorts of volunteer opportunities and other important election info. Check the above link to find an event near you.

4. Spread the word

Information is power, so use any avenue you can, including social media, to spread the word about Bernie, his policies, pertinent election info, etc.

Learn about the delegate process

The delegate process is confusing and largely inaccessible. What most of us don’t realize is that we can take part in it. We can have a hand in choosing who the pledged delegates for our candidate will be. For example, in California, on May 1 we have caucuses to select delegates from each congressional district who will represent Bernie at the state and national Democratic conventions. While the delegate selection process varies state-to-state, it is important to be involved because we need delegates who are strong Bernie supporters to go to bat for him on the floor at these conventions. In some cases, when not enough delegates are elected by the public to fill the designated quotas, the Democratic party will assign them. Which is unfortunate because the Democratic party (i.e. DNC and its surrogates) isn’t very Bernie-friendly—so it may end up assigning Bernie delegates who might not show up when they’re supposed to or decide to switch sides.

This is a broad and far from comprehensive overview of the delegate process, and doesn’t even mention the Superdelegates, which are  equally incomprehensible and I’ll get to below, but it gives you a glimpse of how important it really is. So to find out more about it, please visit the website for your state’s Democratic party to learn about their specific delegate selection process (you can access this info by Googling [Insert state here] democratic party delegate selection process). For example, here is the link to CA’s democratic party’s delegate selection process.

You’ll probably have to do a lot of digging, because this information is intentionally made hard to find, so if you have specific questions, let me know in a comment and I’ll help.

Help woo the Superdelegates

Superdelegates are chosen based on their position within a political party. They are unpledged, meaning they can choose to support whichever candidate they want. So they have a lot of power and are not obligated to reflect the popular vote. Thus, it’s important to strategize a way to woo them.  Here are 4 ways you can help us. Please share:
 
1. Sign and share all 16 petitions addressed to the 16 states won by Senator Sanders. Here is the Google doc with the petitions.
 
2. Sign and share this petition that is asking the Superdelegates to consider voting for Bernie as he has the better policies and a higher chance of winning the general election.
 
3. We are looking for 25 people to write personal letters to the Non-Politician Superdelegates (i.e. non-elected officials who don’t hold office). Please let us know if you would like to help with this by filling out this form.
4. We are also looking for 25 people to help us call / contact Politician Superdelegates (i.e. elected officials who hold office). Please let us know if you would like to help with this by filling out this this form.

The average contribution to Bernie’s campaign is $27. More than 2 million people have contributed almost 7 million times. This campaign is a true grassroots movement, and any little bit helps. We’re showing the world that the power does not belong to those who pay $353,400 to have dinner with a presidential candidate. It belongs to us.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/can-help-get-bernie-sanders-elected/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Say No

I think women we can all agree that it’s hard to say no. I’m not even necessarily talking about the rape-y kinds of situations, although those certainly apply, but really just generally in life. It’s hard to say no because no generally means disappointing someone. And even if we don’t give two fucks about how someone feels, and we really don’t, we—(yes, especially women—men, come at me with your arguments here when you get barraged with requests for your number in bars by trolls ONLY, every time you go to one)—are made to feel like we have to accommodate others—their feelings, their needs, their desires. Ours come second, pleasing everyone else comes first. And frankly I’m sick of it. So I’m determined to get better at saying no—not just making excuses and tip-toeing on eggshells, but just flat out saying no.

I think the most important thing to remember is that you’re the boss.

Just like that time you were babysitting that 7-yr old and he tried to run the show and eat a ton of chocolate at bedtime and you put your foot down and were like “No bitchI’m in charge, and you don’t get to eat all of the chocolate because that’s just rude and did you even think about how I feel and how I may want some chocolate??” It’s so easy to feel like your power is taken away from you when someone is rude, intimidating, obnoxiously persistent, etc. But just remember that you control you, and you don’t have to answer to anyone else (unless you’re in prison, in which case idk).

The bitchy nurse at your doctor’s office is trying to rush you and ignoring your questions? NOPE. You’ll take your damn time and she can burn in Hell. The hairdresser is trying to force a pixie cut on you? FUCK no, we’re not trying to look like Peter Pan—life is hard enough for us, we don’t need to add in looking like an asexual leprechaun. The pushy salesman won’t let you out of his vice grip unless you buy his 24k gold face cream? What starts with “N” and ends with “O”? We don’t want your shit skincare products, and you telling us you’ll take a hit by not only giving us a discount but also giving us your personal employee discount because you “can tell we’re a good person and you want to help us” isn’t gonna change our minds—insult someone else’s skin on your own time. And btw you’re not exactly one to talk, pizza face.

Also remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Saying no only becomes easier when you yourself don’t believe you have to explain it. You’re allowed to say no and end it at that. You don’t want to share your food with someone? Sorry not sorry, maybe they should’ve ordered what you got because your taste is DANK. You don’t have to go on a whole monologue about how this is the only thing on the menu you can eat because of your allergies, plus you haven’t eaten all day and you’re positively STARVING, and on top of that, you’re just like really sick, like they may not be able to tell but you’re basically dying on the inside, so you’d hate to spread your germs. The person with the clipboard you walk by every day at lunch asks you for money and for whatever reason you’re not inclined to give him any? You don’t have to explain to him that you have already dedicated your time, efforts, and money to other (arguably more important) causes, or that you can’t afford to give him money, or that you just don’t want to—you’re within your rights to simply say no. [Except that actually you kind of do have to explain that last one because frankly if you can afford Starbucks every day you can afford to help people who are a lot worse off than you, so don’t be that asshole].

Plus, the more you explain, the weirder it gets. Like, people are ok with hearing “no” more often than you’d think—they only start to question things when you keep digging the hole deeper. If your friend invites you to that music festival and you have no interest in spending 48 sweaty hours in a mob of high idiots who can’t manage to use a porta-potty and leave it halfway decent (it’s literally your worst nightmare, you’d actually rather be boiled to death), there’s no need to tell them all of that and risk forcing the realization that they make terrible life choices. Just say, ‘no thanks!’ Or if a guy asks you out and you’re not into it? You’re not required to protect his ego by going on about how you’re just not really dating right now because you just got out of a messy relationship and you’d really like to be friends with him but are basically becoming a nun—like, trust you, no one is getting up in there, so it’s totally not about him, his personality, or his receding hairline. Just simply tell him no. If he gets to ask, you get to answer.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Someone is upset? Who cares! Upsetting people is our middle name! We’re not about to start giving a shit now. If someone is going to get butthurt because you tell them no, that sounds a lot like not your problem. And honestly, none of this will matter in 300 years anyways. Unless you say no when someone asks you to donate to their cancer research, and had you helped, they would’ve found the cure—in which case, you’re basically a mass murderer. All for a grande skinny vanilla latte.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/screw-power-yes-say-no/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage Social Media

Social media is a weapon. It can be used for good or evil (symbolically speaking—because I have no idea what “good” and “evil” really are, and frankly does anyone? If the current state of the world, or actually any state the world has ever been in ever, is any indication, then no). It’s a fucking minefield—hard to navigate. It seems like it’s mostly used by people to promote images of themselves and their lives that are idealistic. And everyone buys into it—it’s a race to seem the best. And the saddest part is that we all know this—we’re all in on the joke, and yet we ferociously play along, trying to be the prettiest, the most popular, the happiest, the most well-traveled. It’s actually kind of sad, not to mention futile and self-destructive, so I’m a firm believer in finding productive ways to use social media, or not use it at all.

I think one of the best uses for social media is activism. It really is an amazing tool we’ve been given that we could use for vapid purposes like showing off how bangable we look on our way out for a night on the town, or how big our engagement ring is because the size of the diamond must be proportional to how lovable we are, or how we went on this really like spiritual, life-changing journey to India and saw just so many poor brown people and lots of sweeping mountainscapes—or—we could use to it advocate for social, political, and environmental causes—things that actually matter. Not just to us, but to everyone.

On social media, we can share news, articles, petitions, activist efforts, etc., about what dire circumstances our planet is in, how our political systems are corrupt and social injustice plagues our communities, and how we can change those things—how we can improve them. We can spread these messages like wildfire, and use the viral aspects of social media to the world’s advantage. Get out there and start discussions, engage with people, mobilize, and get shit done. Don’t just use technology and the Internet to self-promote and subscribe to materialistic, media-driven obsessions. Use it to spread the word about politics, volunteer opportunities, sustainable living; to debate with people about why Hillary Clinton doesn’t deserve votes and Bernie Sanders does, and be told that you’re simply wrong, without any reasoning why, and then respond with a 500-word essay on all of the reasons, evidence, and facts to back up your stance, and then never hear back. Multiple times! The possibilities are endless.

Another way I think social media is advantageous is in creative pursuits. If you aspire to be your own boss, own a business, or create content, social media is a great way to promote and share that. Start a shop on Etsy and dedicate your social media accounts to building that business. If you want to be a photographer, writer, musician, or artist, etc., start your own website or blog so that you own your own content, and then use Facebook, Twitter, etc. to share it; (and a side note about photos—Instagram says it owns every photo you put on it, so consider copyrighting your photos on your own site and either not sharing them on Instagram or sharing “teasers” of them, like screen shots, partial shots, or watermarked shots).

There’s no better way to receive free marketing than social media. And eventually, you can even monetize your content via social media, by paying to promote your website on social media (and then hopefully making the money back and then some from the resulting traffic to your site), or selling ad space on your site after it’s gotten big enough through your promotion of it on social media, or working with other brands on social media to cross-promote each other.

Now, I won’t rule out the possibility of using social media to your advantage in slightly less admirable ways, too. I just don’t think it’s worth getting too wrapped up in the black hole of comparing yourself to others and putting on facades. But, should, say, your ex-boyfriend start posting pics of his new trophy girlfriend and professing his love to her in over-dramatic ways, or someone chooses to use the public forum to talk unnecessary shit on/around/about you, or decides to make the mistake of ghosting you, you are well within your rights to ruin their life, and use social media to do so. You can accomplish this by waging a campaign of #bomb selfies, posting a smart, tactful thesis that shoots down every aspect of their being without even mentioning their name (because we’re the motherfucking ghosts—smooth, sly, and you’ll never see us coming), or becoming super successful and everything they want to be but aren’t and posting nothing but positive things on your social media to convey this, leaving them to choke and drown in a pool of their own tears. #ournameisFeliciabitch #byeeeeeee

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/manage-social-media-like-pro/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Republicans

Republicans are… the worst. They range on a sliding scale from really bigoted and greedy to slightly less bigoted and greedy. Some of them want to be selective republicans (i.e., “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative“), but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a fucking Republican; (news flash: thinking gay marriage is all good does not negate your insistence that rich people should pay the same amount of taxes as someone living below the poverty line. BLOW ME.). Needless to say, interacting with them without becoming homicidally suicidal is basically impossible. So allow me to help you—here’s how to talk to republicans.

Try to find some common ground

And cling to that. Do not veer onto other topics of conversation—stick with only what you can agree on. I.e.:

•”So, I bet you like ice cream. Everybody likes ice cream, right?”…… “Oh, you think it’s a gateway drug? Okay.”

•”Aren’t cardinals just beautiful birds?”…… “You don’t like them because they’re red, the color of grubby Communist leeches? Great!”

•”It’s so hot out today!”….. “Climate change isn’t real?… Awesome.”

Be drunk

Inebriation will just help so much with the whole being in their presence thing. It’ll be easier to let the awful things they say slide off your shoulders if you’re two sheets to the wind. But make sure to stay happy drunk—the last thing we need is to enter the belligerent drunk zone, where all will go to hell at the first mention of “pro life.”

Imagine you’re talking to a small child

Turn up the baby voice, use only simple words, and speak very slowly. E.g.:

•”Hi there! That is a pretty shirt you have on.” [Pinch their cheeks]

•”Well aren’t you just a little bitty cutie wootie! Yes you are. Yes you are!”

•”I bet you have a lot of cool toys! Let me guess—some baby dolls, toy guns, and a miniature Audi R8?”

Challenge them

If politics come up, you cannot stand idly by while they spout absurd nonsense. It is your duty to speak out and protest. So challenge them on their stances. Like, if they say they don’t think healthcare should be socialized, ask them if they think it’s a human right and should be accessible to all people, or only those who cheat on their taxes and hide their money in offshore trust funds so they’re wealthy enough to afford its exorbitant costs. If they’re a proponent of U.S. military violence and intervention abroad, ask them on precisely what grounds, demanding they explain starting from the inception of whatever conflict/war they’re attempting to justify (so at least a century ago). If they say they’re against abortion, ask them why they think it’s their right to dictate what other women can do with their bodies, when they’re perfectly entitled to control their own shitty body and decide whether or not to litter the earth with their own terrible offspring. And because undoubtedly their claims will be baseless, come ready with a printed and bound book of written sources that provide evidence to back up your assertions. And a mic to drop.

Don’t

Sometimes it’s just too much, because you can’t stand what they’re saying and you can’t change their minds—so just don’t talk to them if you can avoid it. If you can’t avoid it (which like why couldn’t you unless you willingly surround yourself with repubs, which says a lot more about your character judgment and integrity than anything else—meaning it says that you’re the problem, because you can’t just ‘agree to disagree’ with the most important people in your life on the most important issues in your life/the world/everyone else’s lives DON’T BE SO SELFISH AND HYPOCRITICAL), then just always have an excuse ready to get out of the conversation. Whether it’s that you need to grab some water [and never come back], are deaf, just got a call that your neighbor’s cat is in the ER, or that there are lots of homeless people dying on the streets who need your help because contrary to some people’s beliefs, they’re not just lazy drug addicts mooching off the welfare system, just bow out. #SEEYA #wouldn’twannabeya #orhaveyouinelectedoffice

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/how-to-talk-to-republicans/