#praiseJesusHallelujah #hegetsme #germaphobeandfrequenterofTarget
Several of you have basically told me that when you think of or are at Target, you think of me. I have a mixed-emotions reaction to that: weirdly proud, amused, also ashamed, desperate to make sure everyone knows I don’t spend every moment in Target’s children’s clothing section, etc. But I’m not offended at all–I realize I have brought this on myself, and, really, if I’m being honest, I’m just glad that you are thinking about me, in a narcissistic sort of way.
So, I thought you might find it funny that, the other day, when I was home sick and watching daytime TV, as you do, literally the second I changed the channel to Ellen, I came upon viewing some sort of contest/race she was sponsoring at Target. Basically, it looked like the contestants were running around Target à la Supermarket Sweep, picking up items on a scavenger hunt list and racing back to the front, where the on-site rep for Ellen would hand them a Target gift card for thousands of dollars if they won. Not only was it comically coincidental that this was the moment on Ellen that I happened to stumble upon, but one of the scavenger hunt items, (which Ellen was announcing on a split screen from her talk show stage as the contestants ran around on the other screen like crazy people who are in a race at Target to win a Target gift card), was a kimono by Xhilaration. Not only did I know EXACTLY what Ellen was referring to, I also OWN such a kimono. Again, my reaction to this was a mix of maniacal laughter at the absurdity of it, intense embarrassment on my own behalf, especially because, while I’m sure most Targets look the same, I’m fairly certain they were filming at the exact Target I frequent (that’s how much I recognized it, down to every last detail), the realization that I need to re-assess my life decisions, anger that I didn’t know this contest was a thing, because I obviously would’ve dominated, aggravation at the contestants’ lack of Target-knowledge, shame since only a douchebag would say “kimono” outside of any authentic discussion of Japanese culture, and thinking about how all of you would laugh/shake your heads at me. The only thing that would make this situation better is if one of you had happened to be watching the same part of the same episode of Ellen and had thought of me.
I hate how narcissistic this entire post sounds–honestly I don’t think anyone is spending their time thinking about me and wouldn’t expect them to, but I did want to demonstrate some self-awareness and show that I understand I’ve gone overboard with Target. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right?
I’m just glad there’s a toned butt right by my head. I feel it’s very symbolic, like, “only in my dreams…”
And it’s fucking delicious.