As Featured on News Cult: How to Manage Anger

Anger is our primary experience. Because there’s just so much to be angry about—people, injustice (because of people), corruption (because of people), stupidity (of the people)… I mean we really need more hours in the day to be able to accomplish all of our anger, which is completely justified, but also requires management so that it doesn’t take over our lives. But not “anger management” in the traditional sense—fuck thatliterally nothing makes me angrier. I’m talking about ways to deal with anger that won’t discount its validity, but will prevent it from consuming you, instead serving to channel it and make you feel better. And, as the angriest person I know, I feel I am uniquely qualified to provide you with ideas for such coping mechanisms. Here they are.

Let it out

If you feel stifled, or slighted, or wronged, don’t just let the anger boil in you. Release it. Explain and express your feelings. There’s no reason you should have to shoulder the burden of your anger alone, letting it fester and poison you internally, especially when it’s usually related to someone else. Now, I’m not saying you should just scream and throw a fit, but if you can give an articulate speech outlining the bases for your anger, you’ll feel a lot better than if you cage the beast (because at some point it’ll inevitably come out anyways, and it won’t be pretty). #oratory #it’swhatwedo #elegantAF.

Breathe

And then scream and throw a fit. Sometimes it just needs to happen. Sometimes screaming is just as effective as talking at library-level. Because the person or entity you’re angry at is dumb as shit, immune to rationale, and needs to be stopped, so whispering soft pleas into their ear isn’t going to quite get the point across clearly enough

Channel it

Figure out if there’s something concrete you can do to fix or change what you’re angry about. For example, if you’re angry that your insurance company is fucking you, file grievance after grievance until you’ve taken their internal complaints process all the way up the chain and you’re cleared to sue their ass. Or if you’re angry that there is rampant injustice plaguing our society, volunteer with or donate to a cause that’s aimed at righting those wrongs, raise awareness by taking the time to inform yourself and others of the facts, email, call, and ask to meet with your local, state, and federal representatives, start a petition, get out and protest. If you’re angry that you were treated poorly by a business, write your rage into a scathing Yelp review, and dial those buttons extra hard as you call their customer service line. Or if you’re angry that you just got kicked to the curb by your boyfriend, send him anthrax. #it’sjustthateasy

Exercise

Your right to free speech, grab a megaphone, and turn up the volume on #’s 1-3^^. Go recite a lecture to the institution or person that hath earned your wrath. Stand outside their office, perform some slam poetry about how they crossed the wrong person, and pitch a tent, because you’re not going anywhere until justice is served. #filibusteringisn’tjustfortheSenate #monologuingisourspecialty

Laugh

About what’s angering you, at what’s angering you, at your anger, whatever—just get yourself laughing and so will come relief. Not necessarily because anything is funny, but just because you need to catch a break from the anger intensity. Or because something actually is funny, like how you’re going to take your anger at your co-worker for throwing you under the bus and use it as fuel to put them on blast via an office-wide memo, which you’re also going to wallpaper your cubicle with. #oh,whatwasthat? #thelastlaugh #andwejustgotit

Count to 10

And then punch someone/something. Hey, maybe it’s not our first choice, if only because we don’t want to deal with any potential legal repercussions (we don’t have time to be charged with assault, we have a lot of righteous causes to fight for). But sometimes, a motherfucker just needs to get hit. If that motherfucker is your pillow, so be it. If it’s the piece of shit who slashed your tire, then also so be that.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/manage-anger-without-total-psycho/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Rejection

Rejection is one of the many sad facts of life. Whether it’s from a job, a school, a love interest, a credit card application, an unreturned text message to your mother, or the doorman at a club who won’t let you in because you’re wearing flip flops, despite your 30-min long diatribe on the oppressiveness of gendered dress codes, it hurts just the same. But luckily, I am an expert in being rejected, so allow me to give you some tips on how to deal with it.

Stop drop and roll

… it off your shoulders. Take a minute to be disappointed, shocked, and paralyzed, and then move on with your life. You have a lot more being rejected succeeding to do. 

Hack 

Into the phone of the person who rejected you, mix up the names and numbers of their contacts, and let the uncomfortable text messages begin…. I.e. swap the labels for:

-Their mom’s # and their boyfriend’s (“Jason, don’t panic, but I think I’m pregnant.” ….. “What?? Does Jason know? Is it his? I never liked him! When I met him at Christmas I got a really bad vibe. I wasn’t going to say anything but clearly this relationship has gone too far. You obviously can’t keep it. That boy couldn’t father a goldfish.”)

-Their boss’s # and their BFF’s (“OMG I AM GOING TO KILL MY BOSS HE’S BEING SUCH A PRICK TODAY.” ….. “You’re fired.”)

-Their doctor’s # and their ex-boyfriend’s (“So just to clarify, my HPV test is positive but it’s for the cancer kind, not the wart kind?” ….. “HELLO.. What?? Did you give me HPV? Do I have to tell my slimmer, sexier, dumber new girlfriend that I might have given her HPV?”) [This is assuming anyone is fortunate enough to be able to text their doctor—a privilege for which I would happily give all of my legs and arms. #I’dbeblowin’upthatphone]

Deny

What was that? You tried to reject me? No you didn’t. I CAN’T HEAR YOU. OVER THE SOUND OF MY AWESOMENESS. WHICH MAKES ME UN-REJECTABLE.  

Know that everybody hurts

Sometimes. When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on, well, everybody hurts sometimes. Everybody cries. So hold on. Hold on.

Throw a tantrum

You’ve always been good at tantrums—just ask your childhood babysitter circa ages 6-8. Scream, cry, kick, scratch, until you either get your way, receive acknowledgment by the other party of their absurd wrongdoing, or the authorities drag your unyielding body off the premises. 

Walk away

Knowing that it’s their loss. If they’re going to reject you, you don’t want them anyway. It’s that simple. Because there’s no scenario in which it makes sense that someone wouldn’t want you—you’re literally perfect and fine, you’ll take your marbles elsewhere; you don’t need this kind of negativity in your life, and if they aren’t capable of recognizing your narcissism greatness, then someone equally sociopathic better will!

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/guide-dealing-rejection/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Say No

I think women we can all agree that it’s hard to say no. I’m not even necessarily talking about the rape-y kinds of situations, although those certainly apply, but really just generally in life. It’s hard to say no because no generally means disappointing someone. And even if we don’t give two fucks about how someone feels, and we really don’t, we—(yes, especially women—men, come at me with your arguments here when you get barraged with requests for your number in bars by trolls ONLY, every time you go to one)—are made to feel like we have to accommodate others—their feelings, their needs, their desires. Ours come second, pleasing everyone else comes first. And frankly I’m sick of it. So I’m determined to get better at saying no—not just making excuses and tip-toeing on eggshells, but just flat out saying no.

I think the most important thing to remember is that you’re the boss.

Just like that time you were babysitting that 7-yr old and he tried to run the show and eat a ton of chocolate at bedtime and you put your foot down and were like “No bitchI’m in charge, and you don’t get to eat all of the chocolate because that’s just rude and did you even think about how I feel and how I may want some chocolate??” It’s so easy to feel like your power is taken away from you when someone is rude, intimidating, obnoxiously persistent, etc. But just remember that you control you, and you don’t have to answer to anyone else (unless you’re in prison, in which case idk).

The bitchy nurse at your doctor’s office is trying to rush you and ignoring your questions? NOPE. You’ll take your damn time and she can burn in Hell. The hairdresser is trying to force a pixie cut on you? FUCK no, we’re not trying to look like Peter Pan—life is hard enough for us, we don’t need to add in looking like an asexual leprechaun. The pushy salesman won’t let you out of his vice grip unless you buy his 24k gold face cream? What starts with “N” and ends with “O”? We don’t want your shit skincare products, and you telling us you’ll take a hit by not only giving us a discount but also giving us your personal employee discount because you “can tell we’re a good person and you want to help us” isn’t gonna change our minds—insult someone else’s skin on your own time. And btw you’re not exactly one to talk, pizza face.

Also remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Saying no only becomes easier when you yourself don’t believe you have to explain it. You’re allowed to say no and end it at that. You don’t want to share your food with someone? Sorry not sorry, maybe they should’ve ordered what you got because your taste is DANK. You don’t have to go on a whole monologue about how this is the only thing on the menu you can eat because of your allergies, plus you haven’t eaten all day and you’re positively STARVING, and on top of that, you’re just like really sick, like they may not be able to tell but you’re basically dying on the inside, so you’d hate to spread your germs. The person with the clipboard you walk by every day at lunch asks you for money and for whatever reason you’re not inclined to give him any? You don’t have to explain to him that you have already dedicated your time, efforts, and money to other (arguably more important) causes, or that you can’t afford to give him money, or that you just don’t want to—you’re within your rights to simply say no. [Except that actually you kind of do have to explain that last one because frankly if you can afford Starbucks every day you can afford to help people who are a lot worse off than you, so don’t be that asshole].

Plus, the more you explain, the weirder it gets. Like, people are ok with hearing “no” more often than you’d think—they only start to question things when you keep digging the hole deeper. If your friend invites you to that music festival and you have no interest in spending 48 sweaty hours in a mob of high idiots who can’t manage to use a porta-potty and leave it halfway decent (it’s literally your worst nightmare, you’d actually rather be boiled to death), there’s no need to tell them all of that and risk forcing the realization that they make terrible life choices. Just say, ‘no thanks!’ Or if a guy asks you out and you’re not into it? You’re not required to protect his ego by going on about how you’re just not really dating right now because you just got out of a messy relationship and you’d really like to be friends with him but are basically becoming a nun—like, trust you, no one is getting up in there, so it’s totally not about him, his personality, or his receding hairline. Just simply tell him no. If he gets to ask, you get to answer.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Someone is upset? Who cares! Upsetting people is our middle name! We’re not about to start giving a shit now. If someone is going to get butthurt because you tell them no, that sounds a lot like not your problem. And honestly, none of this will matter in 300 years anyways. Unless you say no when someone asks you to donate to their cancer research, and had you helped, they would’ve found the cure—in which case, you’re basically a mass murderer. All for a grande skinny vanilla latte.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/screw-power-yes-say-no/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Republicans

Republicans are… the worst. They range on a sliding scale from really bigoted and greedy to slightly less bigoted and greedy. Some of them want to be selective republicans (i.e., “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative“), but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a fucking Republican; (news flash: thinking gay marriage is all good does not negate your insistence that rich people should pay the same amount of taxes as someone living below the poverty line. BLOW ME.). Needless to say, interacting with them without becoming homicidally suicidal is basically impossible. So allow me to help you—here’s how to talk to republicans.

Try to find some common ground

And cling to that. Do not veer onto other topics of conversation—stick with only what you can agree on. I.e.:

•”So, I bet you like ice cream. Everybody likes ice cream, right?”…… “Oh, you think it’s a gateway drug? Okay.”

•”Aren’t cardinals just beautiful birds?”…… “You don’t like them because they’re red, the color of grubby Communist leeches? Great!”

•”It’s so hot out today!”….. “Climate change isn’t real?… Awesome.”

Be drunk

Inebriation will just help so much with the whole being in their presence thing. It’ll be easier to let the awful things they say slide off your shoulders if you’re two sheets to the wind. But make sure to stay happy drunk—the last thing we need is to enter the belligerent drunk zone, where all will go to hell at the first mention of “pro life.”

Imagine you’re talking to a small child

Turn up the baby voice, use only simple words, and speak very slowly. E.g.:

•”Hi there! That is a pretty shirt you have on.” [Pinch their cheeks]

•”Well aren’t you just a little bitty cutie wootie! Yes you are. Yes you are!”

•”I bet you have a lot of cool toys! Let me guess—some baby dolls, toy guns, and a miniature Audi R8?”

Challenge them

If politics come up, you cannot stand idly by while they spout absurd nonsense. It is your duty to speak out and protest. So challenge them on their stances. Like, if they say they don’t think healthcare should be socialized, ask them if they think it’s a human right and should be accessible to all people, or only those who cheat on their taxes and hide their money in offshore trust funds so they’re wealthy enough to afford its exorbitant costs. If they’re a proponent of U.S. military violence and intervention abroad, ask them on precisely what grounds, demanding they explain starting from the inception of whatever conflict/war they’re attempting to justify (so at least a century ago). If they say they’re against abortion, ask them why they think it’s their right to dictate what other women can do with their bodies, when they’re perfectly entitled to control their own shitty body and decide whether or not to litter the earth with their own terrible offspring. And because undoubtedly their claims will be baseless, come ready with a printed and bound book of written sources that provide evidence to back up your assertions. And a mic to drop.

Don’t

Sometimes it’s just too much, because you can’t stand what they’re saying and you can’t change their minds—so just don’t talk to them if you can avoid it. If you can’t avoid it (which like why couldn’t you unless you willingly surround yourself with repubs, which says a lot more about your character judgment and integrity than anything else—meaning it says that you’re the problem, because you can’t just ‘agree to disagree’ with the most important people in your life on the most important issues in your life/the world/everyone else’s lives DON’T BE SO SELFISH AND HYPOCRITICAL), then just always have an excuse ready to get out of the conversation. Whether it’s that you need to grab some water [and never come back], are deaf, just got a call that your neighbor’s cat is in the ER, or that there are lots of homeless people dying on the streets who need your help because contrary to some people’s beliefs, they’re not just lazy drug addicts mooching off the welfare system, just bow out. #SEEYA #wouldn’twannabeya #orhaveyouinelectedoffice

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/how-to-talk-to-republicans/

 

As Featured on News Cult: The Best Methods of Revenge

Sometimes, you just need to get revenge. Sure, you could take the high road, but you could also destroy someone who deserves it. Get it out of your system so you can move on with your life while theirs crumbles to pieces. Here are the best methods of revenge. #burnbabyburnthosebridges

Make them go crazy

Pick one thing in their life to consistently fuck with over a month-long period, enough to make them question their sanity. For example, you could go into their office every night and change their calendar to a different day/month. Or take a few sips of their coffee every time they leave their desk. Or sneak into their house after they’ve left for the day and turn all the lights and the coffeemaker back on. Or siphon tiny amounts of money out of their checking account at irregular intervals. You’re making them their own worst enemy—Mindfuckery 101.

Call them in for drunk driving

This is why it’s important to take note of peoples’ license plate numbers—so that when they piss you off, you can call the DUI hotline and report them. #whistleblowin’likeaBOSS

Make them late

Change all their clocks so they’re at least 30 minutes behind. Make sure to do this on a day when they have a really important appointment. And then, watch the dominoes fall (they were late to work? Fired. Late to the doctor? Can’t get another appointment for a month, by which point their cancer will have progressed to Stage IV and be incurable. Late to their med school interview? Nursing, it is.) #BAM

Replace all of their dry erase markers with permanent ones

Classic.

Mess with their allergies

If they’re lactose intolerant, replace all of their soy milk with 2%. If they’re gluten free, replace all of their rice flour with that all purpose bleached shit. They can’t handle cats? Meticulously place cat hairs around their apartment (this will require you to steal borrow someone’s cat for a few hours because you hate cats so certainly won’t have your own to use). And when it’s all said and done, they won’t even have their Claritin to run to, because you’ll have flushed it all down the toilet and bought out every nearby pharmacy’s stock.

Report them to the IRS

Undoubtedly they lie on their taxes, as assholes do, so it’s time to ring up the government and let Uncle Sam do his thing. And even if they don’t cheat, at least prompt an audit—

Dear Panic,

Ensue.

Sincerely,

The Revengers

Poke holes in all of their condoms

Of course.

Recalibrate their scale

So every time they step on it there’s a surplus of at least 10 lbs. If you’re not sure how to do this, just ask the airlines.

Get sick

Just so you can get them sick. Sneeze, cough, and snot all over them. Make it RAIN.

Sleep with someone they would be super mad at you for sleeping with

An old standby—revenge sex. Works every time. Don’t act like you’re above it—now is not the time to start pretending you have standards.

Steal their mail

Their bills will go unpaid and into collection. #byebyecredit

Be happy

People hate when other people are better off. So be better off—it’ll drive them crazy. Surround yourself with good(-looking) people, do things (people) you like, forget about the losers—leave them to rot in their own bath water, choking on the dust of a quick getaway. It’s that simple.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/psychological-warfare-12-best-methods-get-revenge/