Some of you have asked

for an update on Mike, my Starbucks barista/potential lover/BFF/soulmate for all intents and purposes.

Well I haven’t been to Starbucks much recently because I’m trying to be a responsible adult whose life motto is WWSOD? (“What Would Suze Orman Do?”), but I’m sad to report that the past few times I’ve seen him, Mike has given me pretty much nothing but no love. I don’t know what I did, but he barely acknowledges me anymore! In fact, it seems like the few other people in my life I thought I  had a good thing going with have suddenly recently also decided they’re just not that into me.

So evidently I’m doing something wrong. I just wish I could figure out what–I don’t think I’ve been acting any differently. Maybe it’s because I’ve gained more than a few love pounds–but for once, they’ve actually gone to my boobs and butt–it’s a Christmas miracle! If anything, you’d think that with the way society’s objectification of women is going, people would love that! And if that’s what Mike’s upset about, I want to be like, “YOU MADE ME THIS WAY.” Or maybe this is just the inevitable trajectory of my lovableness/general ability to make people be able to stand me–just all downward–like the Hot Mess Express taking a nosedive.

Mike’s trying to make me fat(ter)

Just got back from Starbucks, where I had another encounter with Mike, my soul mate Starbucks barista:

Me: “I’m SO GLAD it’s Friday!”

Mike: “You mean, you’re so glad you’re seeing me on Friday?”

Me: “I’m SO GLAD I’m seeing you on Friday.”

Mike: [high-fives me]

And then he gave me a subtle, unsolicited free cookie again (chewy chocolate this time), despite my attempt at subtle protestation.

No, I don’t ALWAYS wear this sweater

But I’m really trying to not eat more because it’s just the last thing I need, so when I got back to my office, I asked my boss if he wanted my cookie.

Me: “… and yesterday Mike gave me two giant warm chocolate chip cookies AND a breakfast sandwich–and I ate them ALL.”

Boss [as he listens, eating my cookie]:

Me: “OK, I’m going to repeat that, and I’m gonna need you to change your reaction.”

I Think I’m in Love with My New Starbucks Barista

It started off on the wrong foot… He drew a heart on my cup the first time we interacted (pictured below). I just thought, obviously he doesn’t know me and we are NOT on the same page. He also complimented my nails and said, “They’re bright as Hell.” My response was, “They’re sparkly. And I’m not bright.” But then he kindly undercharged me, and I thought, well, we may be on different levels, and it may be a terrible heart, which is a little insulting, frankly, but I can’t deny that he’s nice.

I thought that would be a one-time thing, but the next time I went in, he was there again, and, once again, drew a heart on my cup and undercharged me. This happened a couple more times, and each time, we talked and bonded and joked more. E.g.:

1. Him: “Oh, it’s you again ;)”

Me: “Get used to it, I’m here like every day. Which is embarrassing. But I just don’t care.”

2. Him [re my Seahawks hat]: “You need to burn that hat.”

Me: “Why? What’s your team?”

Him: “Ravens”

Me: “Oh, you mean you’re a fan of Ray Lewis, the murderer?” [loudly and passionately, as he’s ringing the person in front of me up]

Him: [“Yikes” face]

But I also felt guilty–like I should pay what I owe, and he’s probably going to be fired if he keeps this up. But he never vocalized that he was undercharging me–I just noticed the lower number on the register and he would kind of wink at me, so I wasn’t sure if I should say something, because then his coworkers might hear and he would get in trouble?

And then this morning, I walked in, zombie-like, already defeated by the day and it was barely 9 AM:

Him: “Hey Alex!”

Me: “Hi Mike. Ughhh I’m SO tired.”

Mike: “Me too. I’ve been here since 5 AM. Do you need something to eat?”

Me: “Yeah, but I can’t decide. What should I get?”

Mike: “How about I surprise you?”

Me: “Ooohh, yes please.”

I then went to the register and ordered and paid for my drink with a different barista.  Shortly after my drink was ready at the end of the bar, Mike came over and handed me 2 pastry bags (pictured below). I tried to hand him my phone with the Starbucks card app pulled up so he could charge my card for whatever he gave me, but he just subtly smiled and nodded “no” at me. So I smiled and silently thanked him as we exchanged “have a good day!” ‘s.

His hearts are getting better!

He ended up giving me 2 giant warm chocolate chip cookies and a warm egg/sausage/cheese breakfast sandwich, and drew hearts on them too. And I ate ALL of them before 10 AM and was just happy as a clam. So he’s probably my soul mate, right? I mean, a man who feeds me and apparently doesn’t seem to care if I eat all of the things and get fat? It’s all I could ever ask for.