As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Getting Fired

At one point or another, you’re going to get fired. Everyone does (unless you’re balls-deep in nepotism). It’s just another shit fact of life to add to the pile. And it feels like a much bigger deal than it actually is, which is why you need some effective coping mechanisms so you can survive it. Here’s what I’ve learned about getting fired and the best way to deal with it.

Don’t take it personally

Even if it is personal. If you internalize it, you’ll shame spiral and that does no one any good. Of course, I suppose if you being fired is a result of your behavior, it could be a learning opportunity (excuse me while I choke down the vomit that the phrase “learning opportunity” induces)—but even that only goes so far before you have to move on and up. So whether or not it’s your fault, being fired is water off a duck’s back. It does not define you, it does not say some horrible truth about you, and it doesn’t have to prevent you from living your life. #rollingwiththepunchesrightthefuckoutthedoor #byeeeeee

Be cordial

While the chances are that if you’re being fired, it’s going to be a tense situation, regardless of the circumstances, try not to burn too many bridges. Whether your boss is the world’s largest prick or a nice guy who couldn’t afford to keep you on, be polite, professional, and unemotional throughout the process. If nothing else, this will up your chances of being able to get a good    reference out of them—and we’ll do anything if it benefits us, even if that means feigning politeness to someone we hope with our every waking breath gets hit by a bus, run over, and then backed over again by the bus, à la Suge Knight.

Ask for severance & a reference

If you’re not automatically offered it. The worst that can happen is they say no. Check your state labor laws to see if you’re legally entitled to severance, so that if you face resistance, you can back up your request with facts. And even if your employer isn’t bound by law to give you anything, I think it’s still worth a shot—you’ll never know until you ask. Likewise, ask if you can count on a good reference—ideally you’d get one in writing, but if nothing else, make sure you establish where you stand with your boss’ future recommendation or lack thereof so you don’t have to awkwardly reach out to them after you’ve officially cut ties (not that you can’t still reach out to them, but I find it’s easier to just get these things out of the way). And if they say they won’t give you a positive reference, at least you figured that out right out the gate so you won’t waste time relying on it and can game plan alternative references (and of course also how to ruin their life).

Make sure to document everything

Write down everything that happens and is said, and try to get everything in writing from your employer, just in case you have to file a complaint against them. If we’ve learned nothing else from Hillary Clinton, a paper trail is the best possible indictment. And also you don’t want to have to rely on your memory—it’s going to be really hard to recall exactly how many times your boss called you a “fucking cunt” if you don’t tally it as it’s happening (14).

Apply for unemployment

My understanding is that you’re eligible for unemployment if you’re fired/laid off, but not if you quit. Which is one of the perks of getting fired—we can outlast even the most untenable of employment situations if it means the difference between $0 and $500 per week. Sure, it’s never going to be as much money as you were making, but it’s something, and it will help tide you over until you find your next gig. #you’restillgonnaneedtocutbackonyourlattesthough #andyourbikiniwaxes #embracethebush

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As Featured on News Cult: 5 Job Hunting Tips

Ughhhhhh job hunting. The worst thing since cough syrup. It’s so hard. It’s fucking impossible. It’s like the worst job you’ve ever had. And you have to do it over, and over, and over (oh, you’re a stable adult who’s had the same career for 22 years? FUCK you).

Here are my how-to tips for finding that unfortunately necessary perfect job.

1. Keep your resume updated

Perhaps the worst part of job searching, resume upkeep is the Devil’s work. But I tell you, it’s a helluva lot easier to maintain if you regularly maintain it. If you don’t touch it in 2 years, you’re going to have a lot more housekeeping to do—those cobwebs run deep*. However, if you update it, say, every 6 months, it’ll be a lot less painful (please note: it will still be really painful).

*This observation may or may not be based on personal experience.

2. Keep a cover letter template

Again, cover letters are basically terrorism, but some antiquated places still require them. You’ll want to tailor each cover letter to each specific job posting, but if you have a template you can start with, it’s a lot easier to just then plug in key words, phrases, and examples of experience than it is to start from scratch on each application.

Tip: I like to sign my cover letter:

“May the bridges I burn light the way,


3. Keep an open mind

Something we’re not used to doing, because we are 100% right in our judgements 100% of the time, but give postings that don’t sound exactly like your jam a chance—you could be pleasantly surprised in the interview and end up getting your dream job (LOL JK we don’t get pleasantly surprised or have dreams. But what I’m saying is you may not end up thinking a job is as terrible as its posting made it sound, which gives you incentive to apply to a wide range of positions).

4. Don’t be afraid

Your fear of being inadequate—while completely justified—will stop you from applying to jobs that seem too good to be true, or are intimidating because of all their requirements, or are out of your comfort zone. But I’m here to tell you that you are more than qualified for any job you want—not because you are actually qualified, but because if you believe you are, then so it shall be. Confidence, people. That’s all it takes. I mean, look around at all the incompetent men running our world—they clearly didn’t get to where they are because they’re qualified. They just walked into their interviews dick-first with chest puffed, and here we are, with a deteriorating financial infrastructure, rampant war, and overwhelming social injustice.

5. Give your search a wide berth

Ask for leads from friends, colleagues, ex-boyfriends who owe you because they were terrible in bed/in general, your college’s alumni office, Facebook, Google—you’d be surprised at what you can find in unexpected places (and I’m not just talking about the condom you found inside you at least three weeks after you last had sex (you don’t remember using a condom)).

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Interns


A necessary evil at most jobs: the intern. And, of course, we end up being the ones who have to manage them because why wouldn’t we. Theoretically, they are supposed to make our lives easier. But in reality, they don’t. It’s not because they’re awful, or maybe they are. They could be the smartest, most qualified, nicest people in the world–but at the end of the day, managing them is a job, and if there’s one thing we know, it’s that we don’t like to do work. So here’s how you deal with them.


Keep them busy but out of your hair

Give them projects that, at the very least, won’t fuck up what you’re trying to do. Coffee runs (with the simplest orders possible–say goodbye to your two pump sugar free vanilla no water non fat extra hot latte), shuffling papers around, rearranging the fridge, reading the operating manual for the scanner, dusting–whatever they can do without actually doing anything. Avoid assigning tasks that require any explanation or evaluation on your part–the goal is to minimize your workload, which is the goal all day every day regardless of interns, so we’re certainly not going to let them derail us. We have ASPIRATIONS, OKAY?

Don’t be approachable

You don’t have to be a complete jerk, but don’t be warm and fuzzy either. We don’t need them asking us questions, or thinking we’re there to socialize or, God forbid, teach them things.

Pawn off leadership responsibilities

Oh, you’re wondering how that certain aspect of the business works? Why don’t you ask my co-worker, Steve, who I hate with the passion of Bill O’Reilly when the teleprompter malfunctions?” -Or- “You need a performance evaluation? Allow me to refer you to our head of HR–I’m just not sure that’s in my purview–but she can totally do it. Just make sure to catch her in a manic phase.

Pawn off things you don’t want to do

Ok, of course this includes everything. But since interns aren’t qualified to do everything, only pawn off the things you don’t want to do and that they have a higher chance of not completely ruining–like organizing receipts chronologically for expense reports, or clearing paper jams in the copier, or mailing things. And that way, if those things get fucked up, you can point the finger of blame at someone else, legitimately for once (because obviously we never accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong ever, even if it’s technically our fault–so this way, we’ll at least have a clearer conscience. HA JK we don’t feel guilty blaming others when the blame should fall on us because SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST GET USED TO IT).

Discourage them from entering your field

The more you exhibit hatred for your line of work, the less likely the interns will be to want to pursue it, which means the less likely they’ll be to ask you questions about it and advice for how to get where you are, not to mention the less eager they’ll be–we HATE eagerness–like, have you not lived yet? Because if you have, you know that life is TERRIBLE and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to be eager ever in the world–and the less you’ll have to talk to them, which is ALWAYS the goal–minimal interpersonal contact. Plus then you’ll have less competition from young and hungry, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed college grads who would probably shine a light on how terrible your job performance is and would force you to kick it into gear which is the LAST thing we need–to actually work at work? Ugh no THANK YOU–we’ll stick to mooching off the company snack supplies and using the printer to print our boarding passes and watching Netflix all day at our desks.

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10 Jobs I Would Like to Try

I often wonder what it would be like to do certain jobs. Not even necessarily “glamorous” ones–just certain career paths I don’t think I’ll ever be qualified to pursue, but still daydream about. Here are some of them.

1. Candy striper

Even though I’m pretty sure I could never fit into the required uniform, I’d still like to take a swing at this one because candy (you get to just walk around and eat candy, right?).

2. Scientology auditor

The opportunity to hear the stuff of busybodies’ wet dreams and psychologically manipulate people? WHILE taking their money? Sign me the fuck up!

3. Ice cream truck driver

I just want to see how many kids I could get in my truck–I’d return them to their parents right away–but would just like to know if I could do it. Like am I attractive enough to pull that off.

4. Oncologist

Giving people bad news for a living sounds like heaven. Because there’s nothing I love more than taking a big shit on your parade.

5. The person who writes the taglines for The Real Housewives 

Like, c’mon–I think we can do better than, “When life gives you lemons, put 9 of them in a bowl!” and, “People get exhausted trying to figure me out. And I just let them.” Step👏🏼it👏🏼up👏🏼

6. Ryan Seacrest

I would just like to know what it’s like to have teeth that white for once in my life.

7. Chef, preferably at Pizza Hut 

Primarily so I could have round the clock access to food but mainly pizza. At others’ expense.

8. Prostitute

Again, just to gauge what my body is worth. In the eyes of an upper middle class white “consultant” whatever the fuck that means, who’s having trouble saying goodbye to his hairline but made peace with his waistline long ago, and can’t stand the meatloaf his wife Pam makes when she’s not getting a perm or hating women’s rights  shopping at Hobby Lobby.

9. Judge

So my mom wouldn’t have a leg to stand on anymore when accusing me of being “so judgmental” WELL NO SHIT, MOM, THAT’S WHAT I DO BUT ALSO EVEN IF IT WEREN’T IN MY JOB TITLE PEOPLE ARE THE WORST SO SOMEBODY HAS TO JUDGE THEM.

10. Police officer

Mostly so that I could just reverse-profile everyone–like pull over every middle-aged white man I see driving a luxury vehicle, and start detaining young white females for walking around in their gated communities and beating the shit out of them for, god forbid, using the pool–JUST BECAUSE I COULD APPARENTLY.

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‘Day Jobs’ v. ‘Careers’: Let’s Discuss

I think most of us are raised to look down on “day jobs.” They’re just supposed to be temporary—a band-aid until you can start your real career and living with purpose. But I’m not sure that’s really how we should look at them. Is there something so wrong with the idea that work is work, and when you’re done with it you leave it there and go spend your free time doing things you enjoy?

I get that the ideal is to “love what you do” and have your work be a career in something you enjoy. But I mean, work is called “work” for a reason. So, by definition, even if you have a career pursuing your “passion” instead of a day job that’s really just meant to pay the bills, it still seems pretty normal to not completely enjoy it. And furthermore, careers, as opposed to days jobs, usually involve taking your work home with you, which, in my experience, makes people resentful because they’re constantly stressed out.

Also, career-type jobs are never as glamorous as they seem. That girl you know who’s always working movie premiers? She’s getting shat on regularly by her boss, who’s on a permanent juice cleanse and makes her go on Jenny Craig with her 11-year old daughter who’s too “chubby” and it’s “dishonoring the family name.” Or your friend who’s a wedding planner? She’s constantly getting 3 AM phone calls from brides whose beet-juice spray tans turned out pinker than anticipated even though it’s fucking BEET JUICE WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT, and now they’re worried their white dresses are going to get stained, although if purity and innocence is what they’re going for, we all know that was tainted long ago.

Your college classmate who’s doing design work for Martha Stewart? Don’t even get her started on the list of words you’re not allowed to utter there, including “prison,” “Oprah,” and “real people don’t live like this.” And your cousin who’s an assistant to Jennifer Aniston? Yeah, super cool on the surface because TEAM JEN ALL THE WAY, but she hasn’t had a physical in way longer than however long you’re supposed to wait between physicals, because it’s hard to take care of yourself when your entire life becomes consumed with making sure another person’s life runs smoothly—literally—you have to make sure their colon is clean and clear at all times.

Kinda makes you jealous of the janitor who, yeah, has to clean toilets, but gets to listen and dance to Taylor Swift while doing so, and actually gets to take lunch. Or the barista who gets to make pretty designs in milk foam all day and can clock in for overtime. Or the bartender who gets to see lots of sad, sad people play out their pitiful existences and probably has reasonably controlled hours.

Like, wouldn’t you rather be in one of those positions than take a job that’s either a) at the bottom of the ladder but supposedly where you have to start and be miserable “paying your dues,” all on the road to “living your dream,” whatever the fuck that means, or b) a higher-up position, but leaves you stuck in the drone of corporate, work-never-ends life?

I think people who claim to have careers “doing what they love” are kind of delusional and/or full of it. Maybe a rare few are genuinely happy with their work, but on the whole, I’m not sure that most are super thrilled, or at least happier than the day-jobbers. And even if you’re not willing to concede that careers aren’t in fact more fulfilling than day jobs, at the very least, the superiority complex that accompanies them should be squashed. After all, somebody has to mow your lawn, so unless you’re willing to do it yourself, lose the self-righteousness and just say “gracias.”

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