As Featured on News Cult: How to Battle Homesickness

Even though being around family can be a challenge, being away from them can sometimes, surprisingly, be even worse. Being away from home will make you realize you have feelings you didn’t think you ever possibly could—love for other human beings, compassion, sensitivity, the need for close relationships, and all the other things that have historically made you gag.  Enter: homesickness. Whether you’re going to sleep away camp for the first time at 10 years old or living and working in a faraway city, alone, in your 30’s, homesickness is real. Here’s how to battle it.

Video chat

For some reason this is more fulfilling than other forms of communication, like regular phone calls, texting, emailing, etc. Probably because it feels more real since you can see each other, disappointing bodies and all. And the software continues to become more accessible. You can pretty much do it any time, anywhere—while you’re at the grocery store, sobbing on your kitchen floor, need advice while clothes shopping, watching the same TV show so you can discuss and commentate in real time, during holiday gatherings so you can at least be virtually present for the dysfunction, and so on. My personal favorite is to video chat with my dogs. I don’t even need to see my family—just position the phone so I can see the animal and then you can leave.

Group texts

Loop your family into a group text chain so you feel like you’re still part of the tribe, can easily get/give updates, and won’t have a sense of displacement or missing out. Of course, you run the risk that your family members won’t respond to you or engage in the chain, which will make you feel like you’re talking to a wall, except this wall is composed of the only people you could probably ever really count on, although clearly you can’t, and I bet they have a whole separate chain going without you because frankly your loud voice annoys them and even though they can’t hear it over text they basically can because it’s that loud, plus they find your passion for certain conversation topics off-putting even though you think it’s perfectly reasonable to demand that if someone is going to say that they liked Spotlight, and, furthermore, didn’t take issue with Mark Ruffalo’s facial twitch, which can’t even be made ok by his stellar real-life politics (#feelthebern), they should be prepared to defend their position.

Make a point of going home for holidays

As many as you feasibly can, given your work schedule and budget. Plan far ahead to save money and so you’ll have something to look forward to. This way you won’t feel isolated during  every holiday (just most of them—silver linings, guys!). Like, even if you don’t give a fuck about Easter, go home for it, because otherwise, I guarantee that when your boss comes back from lunch one day having bought a giant nesting egg set to fill with candy for his toddler, you’ll burst into uncontrollable sobs about how you don’t have anyone who cares enough to plan an Easter egg hunt for you and yes you’re almost 30 but that’s not the point it’s the thought that counts and right now the only thought anyone is giving you is that apparently you sound like an emotionally unstable elephant to your downstairs neighbor when you walk around even though you’ve explained to them that genetically you’re big-boned and you’re not sorry about it and furthermore your robust thighs are actually appreciated in certain cultures so MAYBE they should broaden their worldview.

Remind yourself of what a pain your family can be

If you meditate on this every day, you’ll be a lot more grateful for your solitude, and less homesick about it. Spend 10-20 minutes each morning (at sunrise of course) mindfully visualizing how irritating it was to live under your parents’ roof (seriously just because they’re subsidizing your existence does not give them the right to ask you how your day was), how painful dinners with your extended family are because everyone can never agree on just how much of an asshole your cousin’s baby daddy is, and how you have absolutely zero privacy when family visits or vice versa (locks on doors won’t stop them!). #here’stoneversharingabathroomeveragain

Be social

Ugh I know. I knowwwwwwwww. But I am only suggesting this as a last resort. If you’re feeling lonely because you miss your family and there’s no other immediate solution, (here’s looking at you, unanswered group texts), you need to put yourself in a social situation that will make you forget your homesickness. I’m sure if you search your soul hard enough, you’ll find a gathering you can attend for at least 30 minutes before coming to the conclusion that you need to be shot in the face, STAT. If all else fails, just go hang out in the freezer section of any given grocery store—that is where you’ll find your people. #icecream&frozenpizza #theHolyland

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/5-sure-fire-ways-get-home-sick/     

As Featured on News Cult: The Worst Things About Being a Kid

As much as being an adult is miserable, so can being a kid. Here are the worst things about being underage [insert statutory rape joke here].

Not being able to drink

Like, how did we live before we were 15 21?

Not having money

Unless you’re a dick and are one of those kids whose parents pay for everything and anything you want, your funds are limited. Having to get every purchase approved is, like, really stressful.

Not being able to drive

And get yourself the fuck out of every social situation you unwillingly find yourself in ever.

Having to live with your parents

Sorry, mom and dad, but it’s just not great.

School

Like, homework though, am I right?

Play groups

We have no interest in socializing, period, let alone forced socializing with a bunch of grubby little assholes who don’t wash their hands, eat paint, and have bad bowl cuts.

Family holidays

Again, forced socializing with no out, unless you’re going to pay for your own babysitter, in which case I refer you to point #2 above: WHERE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY, SON??

No coffee

I mean, they say it stunts your growth or whatever, and while we have no problem losing a few inches if it means we get our caffeine fix, our pediatricians differ from us on that. Which leads me to..

Going to the pediatrician

They get all up in your SHIT–weighing you, measuring your height all the damn time, sticking needles in your arms. Like I thought we weren’t supposed to do that–heroin is on the “never do this” list, right? I’m getting mixed messages here, DOCTOR.

Standardized Testing

Seriously, whoever came up with these needs to get a real job. And a life. And just a productive, intelligent, rational thought in their brain. Just one–we know what we’re dealing with here, we know our limits, so we won’t ask for more than that. But one smart thing coming to their mind would just like be amazing. /If they just dropped dead that would work too.

Being confused

All the time. What are these emotions I’m experiencing? WTF is my body doing? How am I supposed to behave, think, act, feel, be? I UNDERSTAND NOTHING. *Please note: this does not get easier with age.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=65818