I’m stuck at the airport with a bunch of cheer squads

May Carbohydrates give me the strength to survive.

That bow is the size of the gap between female and male equality in this world. #OhGodnowthey’rebraidingeachother’shair #Ifonlytheyappliedthatsameattentiontodetailtotheirexaminationofwomen’srights

 

As Featured on News Cult: Your Ultimate Christmas Gift Guide 

Does anyone else find Christmas shopping impossible? Even year after year of giving presents to the same people, I’m always confused about what to get them. So I decided to come up with the ultimate gift guide for those parasites special people in your life—there’s something on here for everyone!

A paper bag

To put over their head so no one has to see their stupid face.

This poster 

*Via Despair, Inc.

Alcohol

With the accompanying note: “To drown out the utter pitifulness of your existence.”

A cockroach named after them

And what would you name this little guy?

Herpes

(*Please note: this involves you both contracting and spreading herpes to them by December 25th)

this sweater

Christmas Vacation Sweater. Tacky Christmas Sweater. Griswold Christmas. Clark Griswold. Christmas Sweatshirt. National Lampoon. Red Sweater

*Via CreateMoreSleepLess

a pile of shit

If you live in a neighborhood like mine, you’ll easily be able to walk outside your door and just scoop one up.

this cross stitch Via CableMeCozy

Can you not cross stitch, funny cross stitch, subversive cross stitch, framed cross stitch, funny home decor, gag gift, funny gift, satire

Because can they not?

rahm emanuel’s and anita alvarez’ resignations

Because helping to cover up, for over a year, the completely unjustifiable murder of a nonthreatening black teen boy by a white male police officer, who fatally shot said black teen boy sixteen times and only had to post a $150,000 bail to get out of prison and roam the streets free, just isn’t a good look.

5 minutes LESS OF SLEEP each morning

I don’t care how you do it—go into their place of work and set every clock in the entire office forward five minutes if you have to—just find a way to make it happen.

a gym membership

“I got you a scale to go along with it.”

Classic.

a one-way ticket

To the farthest place possible for the least amount of money.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/tis-season-ultimate-christmas-gift-guide/

As Featured on News Cult: My Christmas List

Because every well-adjusted adult makes one?

1. To just know what it would feel like to be Charlie Sheen for one day.

Too soon?

2. A lifetime of better decisions

This one will never get old. #ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed

3. Nutella

All of it.

4. An hour with Ben Carson

Preferably in a universe where guns don’t exist. Or, alternatively, in a universe where it’s just me and him in a Popeye’s organization, and the cashier is in the back when a gunman comes in.

5. A lifetime supply of Mambas

Easily the most underrated candy out there.

6. A better haircut for Hillary Clinton

And a better-adjusted moral compass.

7. Leggings

You can never have enough.

8. To travel back in time

So I could be in the elevator and find out just what exactly caused Solange to go off like that…

9. A world where it’s possible to get a breakfast burrito for lunch

WHY is it so hard to find a breakfast burrito after 11 AM? Do you suddenly stop carrying eggs at that time?

10. A Louis C.K. body pillow

#celebritycrush

11. To not be completely blown off by a guy

Just one. Like, if there could just be one decent guy out there, that would be great. I don’t care if you hate puppies and think kale is cool, so long as you text me back.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/deck-halls-bitches-christmas-list/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Prep for the Holidays

May God have mercy on our souls: the holidays are upon us. Which means family gatherings are upon us. So prepping for the holidays is basically like preparing for war. Batten down the hatches, because WINTER IS COMING. Here’s what you need to do to get yourself ready.

1. Train

It’s as if you’re a boxer and this is your most important match. Run over all the possible questions you’ll be asked by overly inquisitive relatives and how you’ll answer (“Alex, are you dating anyone?” “No, Grandma. But there is one guy I occasionally let come on my face.”); think of all the backhanded insults your siblings might throw your way and how to respond (“I know you have a bad temper so I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I’ll be taking mom’s wedding dress.” “Oh, that’s ok, it’s too big for me anyways.”); punch yourself in the face if you have to (family time over the holidays is your FIGHT CLUB)–toughen up, because come Thanksgiving dinner, you’re gonna take a beating. Or…

2. Drink

An alternative way to numb the pain of the holidays. Start now and don’t stop til they’re over. I recommend a white wine spritzer IV to the spine.

3. Watch lots of Dr. Phil

Take notes. You’ll learn Dr. Phil’s crack fuckin bullshit about how to deal with family drama and also feel a lot better about your family. Dysfunction is relative, y’all.

4. Think of things you like about each of your family members

To make the whole process more bearable.

Mom: she knows like the exact right amount of seconds to let the tea bag steep–EVERY time. So impressive.

Aunt Gina: she usually gives you cute Christmas cards, you think because she fancies herself crafty, but she doesn’t make the cards so she can’t take the creative credit and you really want to tell her that but you’ll settle with just conceding that she has good taste. Sometimes. (Except when it comes to men. Meaning her husband.)

Grandpa: he smells not terrible

Cousin Ralph: …. nope. You tried, but there’s just nothing redeeming there.

5. Get sick

You can’t join Christmas dinner if you’re on your death bed.

6. Buy your gifts early

Because before you know it, it’s December 24th and you haven’t gotten anything for anyone because they’re all impossible to shop for and always say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when they open their gifts from you so what’s even the point you’re not going to please them anyways so you may as well just get them something that requires no thought whatsoever like a gift card or socks. Everyone needs socks–that’s inarguable.

7. Practice smiling

So you’ll be able to seem like you care. (“Congrats on your engagement, Karen! It’s just so great. Honestly the ring is so pretty–which is like a concept that’s new and different for you!” [BIG GRIN–let’s get TOOTHY up in this bitch.]).

8. Cement your place as the family loser

Which won’t be hard, because everything you do is a failure. But this way, people will leave you alone because we don’t talk about problems in this family, and you’ll maybe get some preferential pity treatment out of it, too (the bigger the issues, the better the treatment: some subtle weight gain gets you a mani/pedi on mom; failing out of law school gets your rent paid by your grandparents; and a heroin addiction–well, that’s the jackpot–we’re talking free meals for infinity, parents constantly bailing you out of jail and footing the bills for rehab, and, most importantly, lowered expectations of you–Ca-CHING!)

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=74252

As Featured on News Cult: My New Year’s Resolutions

Because I like to think ahead (NOT) and make a list of New Year’s resolutions each year (NOT) that I believe in following through on (NOT), I thought I would compile an early list here. But for real, I fucking hate New Year’s resolutions and people who make them. Because ambition is pointless. Because life is meaningless. And we’re all going to end up dead anyways so reaching your stupid goals doesn’t ultimately get you anywhere. With that said, here’s my answer to the useless sociocultural tradition of making resolutions that you promise to follow through on come every Jan. 1.

1. To never make a list of New Year’s resolutions ever again

Whoaa, things just got meta. But seriously–attn., goal makers: STFU. This is the list to end all lists.

2. To never look in a mirror again

It’s easier to pretend I don’t look like a chubby, homeless meth and/or crack addict if I can’t see it.

3. To cut the number of fucks I give down to −infinity

4. To eat a Philly cheesesteak

I still, in all my 26 years, have never eaten one. Howwwww?!?

5. To exact revenge on at least fifteen people on my blacklist

It’s rapidly growing–that’s like only 1/6 of the whole thing, so I really need to start knocking ’em out (potentially literally–methods of vengeance TBD).

6. To talk about how Selena Gomez is almost singlehandedly ruining feminism

I’ll take any forum available. I mean, her lyrics… “Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight, do my hair up real, real nice, ’cause I just wanna look good for you. Let me show you how proud I am to be yours…”

7. To actually stay organized for tax purposes

Ok but really though. We all know what a pain taxes are to do and how much being organized, much to my dismay, truly helps.

8. To figure out how Justin Timberlake’s hair circa *NSYNC was ever ok

9. To go to Hooters and only order water

In order to make a statement about how the entire conceit of Hooters is, simply and undeniably, the hypersexualized commodification of women; once there ceases to be an exchange of money for body, the whole thing falls apart. Plus I just think it would be fun to see how they react.

10. To tell my OBGYN what I really think of her

I just think her bedside manner could stand to use some improvement. I mean, I’m not asking you to throw a party down there, but maybe just be a little more approachable during conversation while you’re all up inside of me.

11. To start drinking boxed wine

On the reg. Like just fuckin’ straight from the spigot. I just feel like that’s the direction my life is headed, you know? So I may as well settle  in.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=73064