Guy at coffee bar: “I like your nails.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Guy at coffee bar: “And I’m not gay, so you can put it on Facebook: ‘A straight guy liked my nails!'”

Barista: “It’s usually the ones who say they’re not gay who are gay.”

Guy at coffee bar: “Well I am a lesbian.”

Me: “How?”

Guy at coffee bar: “Because I like women.”

Me: “Look, guys, I’m not wearing a bra right now, and my leggings have a giant hole in them, which I’m not sure if you can see, so I’m just really uncomfortable and gonna go…”