As Featured on News Cult: How to Not Hold a Grudge

I mean, there’s nothing more tempting than holding a grudge. Why? Because people are the worst, and when they display that with their idiotic, insensitive, narcissistic behavior, they should be cut out of your life like Jim Bob Duggar’s vas deferens needs clipping, and forever haunted by your vengeance. But—holding a grudge takes a lot of time and energy and we don’t have either of those (well, we have time, but we need to spend it on exerting no energy whatsoever). So we’re just gonna let it go like it’s our baby and we’re Michael Jackson on a balcony. Or Eric Clapton.

Here’s how to not hold a grudge.

Remember that people are their own undoing

People will get what’s coming to them—you don’t have to be the one to give it to them. That is the job of a little something we call karma. (Actually I think we totally co-opted that term and have misused it since, but whatever (as white Westerners do)). In the words of Justin Timberlake, “What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.” Pure poetry.

Breathe a sigh of relief

If you don’t hold a grudge, you get to let go of so much anger. And I know anger is, like, our favorite hobby, but its negative impact mainly manifests in you, not the other person. If it were the other way around, I’d totally say go for it, but unfortunately, it really only eats away at your own well being. Unless you channel it. Which brings me to…

Get revenge

Ok I know I’m touting this whole zen take the high road crap, but if there’s a way of exacting swift revenge, just do it, as Nike would say. Get it over with so you’ll be able to rid yourself of the burden of whoever or whatever was grudge-worthy, and move on with your life like you’re Tonya Harding (because she just glides gracefully. On the ice. Or at least up until 1994. Ok bad example but in my defense I don’t know the names of any other professional ice skaters. So what if she wore a diaper on her cross-country kill trip? Or wait that was Lisa Nowak—who, interestingly enough, also bounced around weightlessly—one might even say without any burden—in space. But seriously don’t follow either of their examples when it comes to revenge).

Take pity

On the person you want to hold a grudge against. Clearly, as their actions have already proven, they’re a pitiful person. They’re just pathetic—you actually feel a little sorry for them. As Gandhi would probably say, “Don’t swallow that haterade, yo.”

Vent

Make sure to just bitch a lot about the person who done you wrong to your friends and family. Just get it out of your system. If this means having them on rotating shifts 24/7, then so be it. Hey, you didn’t choose to be born—consequently, your parents always have to be there for you 100% even if it’s in the middle of the night or during one of the two times a year they have sex, or, as they called it when you walked in on them at 16, “hugging.”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/fuggedaboutit-not-hold-grudge/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Getting Fired

At one point or another, you’re going to get fired. Everyone does (unless you’re balls-deep in nepotism). It’s just another shit fact of life to add to the pile. And it feels like a much bigger deal than it actually is, which is why you need some effective coping mechanisms so you can survive it. Here’s what I’ve learned about getting fired and the best way to deal with it.

Don’t take it personally

Even if it is personal. If you internalize it, you’ll shame spiral and that does no one any good. Of course, I suppose if you being fired is a result of your behavior, it could be a learning opportunity (excuse me while I choke down the vomit that the phrase “learning opportunity” induces)—but even that only goes so far before you have to move on and up. So whether or not it’s your fault, being fired is water off a duck’s back. It does not define you, it does not say some horrible truth about you, and it doesn’t have to prevent you from living your life. #rollingwiththepunchesrightthefuckoutthedoor #byeeeeee

Be cordial

While the chances are that if you’re being fired, it’s going to be a tense situation, regardless of the circumstances, try not to burn too many bridges. Whether your boss is the world’s largest prick or a nice guy who couldn’t afford to keep you on, be polite, professional, and unemotional throughout the process. If nothing else, this will up your chances of being able to get a good    reference out of them—and we’ll do anything if it benefits us, even if that means feigning politeness to someone we hope with our every waking breath gets hit by a bus, run over, and then backed over again by the bus, à la Suge Knight.

Ask for severance & a reference

If you’re not automatically offered it. The worst that can happen is they say no. Check your state labor laws to see if you’re legally entitled to severance, so that if you face resistance, you can back up your request with facts. And even if your employer isn’t bound by law to give you anything, I think it’s still worth a shot—you’ll never know until you ask. Likewise, ask if you can count on a good reference—ideally you’d get one in writing, but if nothing else, make sure you establish where you stand with your boss’ future recommendation or lack thereof so you don’t have to awkwardly reach out to them after you’ve officially cut ties (not that you can’t still reach out to them, but I find it’s easier to just get these things out of the way). And if they say they won’t give you a positive reference, at least you figured that out right out the gate so you won’t waste time relying on it and can game plan alternative references (and of course also how to ruin their life).

Make sure to document everything

Write down everything that happens and is said, and try to get everything in writing from your employer, just in case you have to file a complaint against them. If we’ve learned nothing else from Hillary Clinton, a paper trail is the best possible indictment. And also you don’t want to have to rely on your memory—it’s going to be really hard to recall exactly how many times your boss called you a “fucking cunt” if you don’t tally it as it’s happening (14).

Apply for unemployment

My understanding is that you’re eligible for unemployment if you’re fired/laid off, but not if you quit. Which is one of the perks of getting fired—we can outlast even the most untenable of employment situations if it means the difference between $0 and $500 per week. Sure, it’s never going to be as much money as you were making, but it’s something, and it will help tide you over until you find your next gig. #you’restillgonnaneedtocutbackonyourlattesthough #andyourbikiniwaxes #embracethebush

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/weve-deal-getting-fired/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Tell Someone Off

Being able to effectively tell someone off is an important life skill, because everyone is terrible. As someone who frequently encounters the need to tell people off, but struggles with how to do so—because confrontation is uncomfy, whether in a professional, romantic, or platonic context—allow me to share what I’ve learned on the subject so you can hopefully have an easier time expressing to your nemeses just exactly where they can shove it. 

1. Do it

It’s kind of scary to tell someone off, even though they’re the one in the wrong. But you’ve just got to get over your nerves and do it. As I like to say, ball up—or, ovary up. Bullies rely on peoples’ weakness and fear. So they’re expecting you to cower, not to stand up for yourself. Which is why it’s that much sweeter when you do tell them off, because it completely catches them by surprise and takes the wind out of their overinflated sales. You’re a motherfucking sparkling shining throwing star hurtling right at them and they’ll never see it coming.

2. Be straight and to the point 

You want to leave emotion out of it and no room for misinterpretation/manipulation of your words. Just state the facts, without over-explaining or being apologetic. Bullet points are helpful if you’re doing this in an email. As are sound effects. E.g. as you type the below bullet points, yell out “BAM” after each one.

-‘Let me be very clear—your lack of professionalism rivals even Bill Clinton’s circa Monica Lewinsky, and I will not stand for it.’ [“BAM“]

-‘The way you speak to me is inappropriate, disrespectful, and completely unacceptable. I am not Donald Sterling’s girlfriend. I will not tolerate it.’ [“BAM“]

-‘You have failed to do your job and fulfill your obligations—for a minute, I thought I was a resident of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina and you were FEMA. This needs to change.’ [“BAM“]

I don’t care if you’re alone at home or on your computer at a crowded coffee shop full of people who don’t have real jobs but want to convince themselves they do “writers”—saying these sound effects out loud will really add a dose of BAMF to the situation.

3. Take no prisoners

Listen, as with every bout of psychological warfare, there are going to be casualties. Maybe the person you’re about to tell off used to be a good friend, or maybe they’re a co-worker you have to see and interact with every day, or maybe they’re your soon-to-be ex-significant other, so you kind of dread the fall out. But, such is life. Clearly this person is a toxic presence in your life, and it’s time to take out the trash. #maythebridgesyouburnlighttheway

4. Make it clear you don’t give a shit about this person

Or what they think of you. People who require telling off are power-hungry control freaks. They like thinking they’re the dominant one, and that you have some fear of or admiration for them. Which is why it’s so fun to pull the rug out from under them and make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that you couldn’t give less fucks, unless it’s possible to give negative fucks, about them. If you were on a sinking ship together, you would have no concern for their ability to make it safely onto a lifeboat. If you were on a crashing plane together, you would put on your oxygen mask first and not hesitate to not assist them with theirs. You could hear that they died and frankly it would put a little pep in your step. In the courageous and insightful words of Big Sean: “I got a million trillion things I’d rather fuckin’ do than to be fuckin’ with you, lil stupid ass bitch. I don’t give a fuck about you, or anything that you do.”

5. Remember it doesn’t matter how they react

You can’t control how they respond to you, so do what you do best, and don’t care. They could, and probably will, blow up. They may scream, they may yell, they may shit talk you to other people, they may slash your tires—none of that is your fault, and all you have to do in reaction is maintain composure and let them be the architect of their own undoing. Of course you can and should and will still destroy them, because nobody gets away with treating you like that, but do so with subtle revenge tactics—we’re talking Shakespearean combat. On the outside, you’re all smiles, rainbows and bright-eyed fucking bushy-tailed bunnies.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/tell-someone-off-without-total-bitch/