As Featured on News Cult: Your Ultimate Christmas Gift Guide 

Does anyone else find Christmas shopping impossible? Even year after year of giving presents to the same people, I’m always confused about what to get them. So I decided to come up with the ultimate gift guide for those parasites special people in your life—there’s something on here for everyone!

A paper bag

To put over their head so no one has to see their stupid face.

This poster 

*Via Despair, Inc.


With the accompanying note: “To drown out the utter pitifulness of your existence.”

A cockroach named after them

And what would you name this little guy?


(*Please note: this involves you both contracting and spreading herpes to them by December 25th)

this sweater

Christmas Vacation Sweater. Tacky Christmas Sweater. Griswold Christmas. Clark Griswold. Christmas Sweatshirt. National Lampoon. Red Sweater

*Via CreateMoreSleepLess

a pile of shit

If you live in a neighborhood like mine, you’ll easily be able to walk outside your door and just scoop one up.

this cross stitch Via CableMeCozy

Can you not cross stitch, funny cross stitch, subversive cross stitch, framed cross stitch, funny home decor, gag gift, funny gift, satire

Because can they not?

rahm emanuel’s and anita alvarez’ resignations

Because helping to cover up, for over a year, the completely unjustifiable murder of a nonthreatening black teen boy by a white male police officer, who fatally shot said black teen boy sixteen times and only had to post a $150,000 bail to get out of prison and roam the streets free, just isn’t a good look.

5 minutes LESS OF SLEEP each morning

I don’t care how you do it—go into their place of work and set every clock in the entire office forward five minutes if you have to—just find a way to make it happen.

a gym membership

“I got you a scale to go along with it.”


a one-way ticket

To the farthest place possible for the least amount of money.

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As Featured on News Cult: My Christmas List

Because every well-adjusted adult makes one?

1. To just know what it would feel like to be Charlie Sheen for one day.

Too soon?

2. A lifetime of better decisions

This one will never get old. #ifatfirstyoudon’tsucceed

3. Nutella

All of it.

4. An hour with Ben Carson

Preferably in a universe where guns don’t exist. Or, alternatively, in a universe where it’s just me and him in a Popeye’s organization, and the cashier is in the back when a gunman comes in.

5. A lifetime supply of Mambas

Easily the most underrated candy out there.

6. A better haircut for Hillary Clinton

And a better-adjusted moral compass.

7. Leggings

You can never have enough.

8. To travel back in time

So I could be in the elevator and find out just what exactly caused Solange to go off like that…

9. A world where it’s possible to get a breakfast burrito for lunch

WHY is it so hard to find a breakfast burrito after 11 AM? Do you suddenly stop carrying eggs at that time?

10. A Louis C.K. body pillow


11. To not be completely blown off by a guy

Just one. Like, if there could just be one decent guy out there, that would be great. I don’t care if you hate puppies and think kale is cool, so long as you text me back.

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As Featured on News Cult: My New Year’s Resolutions

Because I like to think ahead (NOT) and make a list of New Year’s resolutions each year (NOT) that I believe in following through on (NOT), I thought I would compile an early list here. But for real, I fucking hate New Year’s resolutions and people who make them. Because ambition is pointless. Because life is meaningless. And we’re all going to end up dead anyways so reaching your stupid goals doesn’t ultimately get you anywhere. With that said, here’s my answer to the useless sociocultural tradition of making resolutions that you promise to follow through on come every Jan. 1.

1. To never make a list of New Year’s resolutions ever again

Whoaa, things just got meta. But seriously–attn., goal makers: STFU. This is the list to end all lists.

2. To never look in a mirror again

It’s easier to pretend I don’t look like a chubby, homeless meth and/or crack addict if I can’t see it.

3. To cut the number of fucks I give down to −infinity

4. To eat a Philly cheesesteak

I still, in all my 26 years, have never eaten one. Howwwww?!?

5. To exact revenge on at least fifteen people on my blacklist

It’s rapidly growing–that’s like only 1/6 of the whole thing, so I really need to start knocking ’em out (potentially literally–methods of vengeance TBD).

6. To talk about how Selena Gomez is almost singlehandedly ruining feminism

I’ll take any forum available. I mean, her lyrics… “Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight, do my hair up real, real nice, ’cause I just wanna look good for you. Let me show you how proud I am to be yours…”

7. To actually stay organized for tax purposes

Ok but really though. We all know what a pain taxes are to do and how much being organized, much to my dismay, truly helps.

8. To figure out how Justin Timberlake’s hair circa *NSYNC was ever ok

9. To go to Hooters and only order water

In order to make a statement about how the entire conceit of Hooters is, simply and undeniably, the hypersexualized commodification of women; once there ceases to be an exchange of money for body, the whole thing falls apart. Plus I just think it would be fun to see how they react.

10. To tell my OBGYN what I really think of her

I just think her bedside manner could stand to use some improvement. I mean, I’m not asking you to throw a party down there, but maybe just be a little more approachable during conversation while you’re all up inside of me.

11. To start drinking boxed wine

On the reg. Like just fuckin’ straight from the spigot. I just feel like that’s the direction my life is headed, you know? So I may as well settle  in.

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