As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Guys About STDs

We went over how to talk to guys about condoms, but sometimes you have to rewind even further and start with the STD talk. Like a colonoscopy, broaching the subject of STDs is awkward and uncomfortable, but necessary. So drink that gallon of laxatives, because it’s time to grin and bear it. Here’s how. #youcanthankmewhenyoudon’tgetherpes

Be the one to bring it up

Because he sure as shit won’t. In my experience, guys will avoid the STD talk like it’s the truth and they’re Hillary Clinton—whether because they’re just too embarrassed or think that so long as a condom is used, STDs need never be spoken of (which is just not true—don’t make me go into all the ways you can and will have ‘intimate’ contact outside of the condom, because for one I hate the word ‘intimate’ and it makes me really uncomfortable and for two we all know it’s true—a condom does not provide 100% coverage or protection against anything—so don’t waste my time). Thusly, you have to be the bigger man [ironic] and start the dialogue. #they’rewelcome

Get it over with

Don’t wait to do it, because before you know it, you’ll find yourself moments away from penetration, which is not the best time to bring up who does/doesn’t have gonorrhea. Do it before, and when you’re far far away from, any sort of sexual or potentially sexual situation, so there’s no risk of having the talk after it already may be too late (one orgasm is not worth the price of contracting Hep C. Plus, we all know he’s not going to make you come anyways, so risking it is extra not worth it). I.e. take him to a soup kitchen to volunteer and bring it up when you’re ladling baked beans. Or at church. Or at dinner with your parents. Wherever and whenever you can have an honest, non-hormone fueled conversation about sexual health and safety.

Be thorough

Ask him when he was last tested and what for, and tell him your answers to those questions as well (if it’s a super uncomfortable/tense situation, offer to go first—this will disarm him. Lead by example. Like you would if you were teaching a child something. So, congratulations, your sexual partner is basically a child. I’m just gonna let that one sit with you). My understanding is that it can take up to 3-6 months for some STDs to show up on tests, so you should be tested 3-6 months after your last sexual contact/potential exposure to STDs (remember that STDs can be spread via lots of different types of contact/activities). This of course depends somewhat on your lifestyle, so obviously talk to a doctor to figure out what’s right for you (I sound like a prescription drug commercial. But don’t rely on me, because I’m not a medical professional—I would totally go to med school except I have a sneaking suspicion that being a doctor is not as scandalously fun as Grey’s Anatomy makes it look).

Don’t allow yourself to be talked out of it

I really don’t care if he doesn’t think it needs to be discussed for whatever insufficient excuse he makes up—the bottom line is that you need to be open with any sexual partner about their STD status and vice versa, unless you don’t give a fuck about your health or others’ (in which case, by all means, proceed sexually with other people who, like you, are self-interested fucking morons, and get alllll the genital warts the world has to offer. #youdeserveeachother #butkindlyleaveusoutofit).

Consider applying it to oral sex

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I know, I know—like no one talks about STDs before oral sex. But, again, I don’t really care what’s socially acceptable (I didn’t when I had—some may say, “rocked“—a mullet-rattail hybrid as a child, and I sure as hell don’t now). The fact is that a lot of STDs can be transmitted through oral sex (in addition to the plethora of other ways they can be spread, which we won’t get into now, but just some food for terrifying thought). Yes, this is a bummer, but life is terrible, so this is nothing new. So unless you want a throat full o’ HPV, I would have the talk before you put anything in your mouth, or anyone else’s.

Be open-minded

STDs don’t mean no sex. Some of them are curable, all are treatable, and none are some sort of definitive barrier to sex. Yes, they complicate sex, but you can have an STD(s) and still enjoy your sex life. They’re not any kind of death sentence—even the “scariest” one, HIV/AIDS, is getting more and more manageable. If you or your partner find out you have an STD, simply ask your doctor the best way to deal with it and still have sex. Coming from a completely OCD germaphobe, I know it can be tempting to refuse to have sex when any STD is involved. But honestly, unless you want to be celibate forever and join a convent, get the fuck over it. Life is messy. Sex is no exception. And I think that when you find that while sexual health may seem super complicated, it still is completely manageable, and grappling with it doesn’t require sacrificing the enjoyment of sex, you’ll just be more at peace with your existence (I’m pretty sure it was Buddha who said that. Or Charlie Sheen.)

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/talk-guys-stds/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Talk to Guys About Condoms

Men, the brilliant pieces of shit that they are, don’t like to use condoms. Or maybe it’s just the assholes I’ve dated. Either way, condom use is a negotiation, the navigation of which requires special skill. Which is bullshit, but what else is new in gender relations/sexual politics/dating/interpersonal relationships/having to deal with people in any context ever.

1. Remind them of how sex works

Apparently they didn’t pay attention in 7th grade health class. Pulling out doesn’t work, gentlemen. To be successful, it would require precision, calculation, and thought, none of which you are capable of. If you have sex without a form of birth control, spoiler alert: the chance of pregnancy goes way up. If you have sex without condoms—just stick with me on this one, I know it’s hard to wrap your head around—your chances of spreading STDs goes way up. What’s that, men? Condoms feel less pleasurable? Awwww, I’m so sorry for you—I mean, between all of the male privilege and all of the male privilege you face on a daily basis, that must just be really tough on you.

2. Tell them you have STDs

I don’t care if you actually have any or not. If you say, “Well okay, I guess we won’t use a condom and then you may just get Syphilis from me…” they’ll be unwrapping those Trojans like the Patriarchy depends on it.

3. Ask them for their STD status

Ten bucks says they won’t know or have been checked recently. And even if they do/have, there are things that they can’t be tested for, like HPV, or they could have a dormant case of Herpes, so then you get to put the pressure on them and say, “I don’t know where your dick has been, but I tend to sleep with terrible men, so it’s probably been in some questionable-at-best places, and I’m sure as shit not risking my sexual health when my odds are about as good as a priest’s who tries to walk past a playground without jacking off.”

4. Refuse to have sex without a condom

Simply refuse. Guys will take sex with a condom over no sex any day, given they are simple creatures, driven by their base, most under-evolved, instincts. #theyreallyshouldbeputinazoo

5. Involve your doctor

Have her give the guy a call—just a friendly reminder that he’s a fucking idiot if he doesn’t think he needs to use condoms. And it can’t hurt for her to send him an accompanying email with some JPEGs of wart-encrusted genitals attached.

6. Ask him if he would like to get pregnant

Until you get a signed affidavit from him saying he would willingly piss out a watermelon, he can go fuck himself because you surely won’t be.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/talk-guys-condoms/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Pass the Time in the Doctor’s Waiting Room

Ugh the dread of the doctor’s office waiting room. THE DREAD. Like, tick-tock tick-tock it’s just a matter of seconds before you find out you’re dying or have Herpes or actually wait those are the same thing. Also, fuck doctors–they get to make us wait forever but god forbid we are 11 minutes late to an appointment.

So here are some things you can do to kill that wait time (really tried to figure out how to make this a pun about you finding out you’re dying so like ‘kill time’ get it?? but I failed but also did I? because I’m pretty sure I just killed it. HEY-O did it again!).

JUDGE

Harshly. Judge, assume, repeat. Guess why every other person in the waiting room is there. IBS? Multiple Personality Disorder? They’re just generally a shitty, unlovable person? All of these are safe bets.

MAKE FRIENDS

After you’ve judged negatively and assumed the worst about your waiting room compatriots, introduce yourself and make chit chat. Some suggested intros:

“Hey, I noticed you have disgusting skin.”

“So, what are you in for? You know how like they ask that in prison, except that this isn’t prison, obviously. It’s just a doctor’s waiting room. But like, it’s funny that you can ask the same question in a doctor’s waiting room and a prison. Actually have you ever been in prison?”

“‘Sup motherfucker?”

CATCH UP ON YOUR PHONE CALLS

Especially the ones that are sensitive and private in nature.

HATE ON CELEBRITIES’ INSTAGRAMS

Scroll, honey. Scroll. Some suggested accounts:

Kylie Jenner *Caution: this may qualify as child pornography and/or reek of desperation

Vin Diesel

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Need I say more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton (it’s just funny how corrupt, deceitful and greedy she really is, underneath the liberal, feminist, progressive mask she wears– but none of that really comes across on her Instagram. #TeamBernie)

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T TOUCH THE MAGAZINES

Do you know how many vile, germy hands have touched those pages?? They might as well be bathroom keys! Or bar peanuts!

STALK YOUR EX(ES)

The Internet really is a miracle. Before you know it, you’ll have found his new girlfriend’s resume on which she asserts that she’s a “necessary cashier who’s always smiling” and “attends on customers at all times upon and within the floor” at Kohl’s, and four different Facebook profile pictures of her, each of which looks like a distinctly different person, and an excerpt of a magazine interview in which she says “my Brazilian heritage allows that my carmel complexion can be sun-kissed 366 days a year.” And you’ll just really feel a lot better about yourself.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=66603