As Featured on News Cult: Suggested Taglines for the “Real Housewives”

If it was my job to come up with the taglines The Real Housewives recite at the opening of each episode, here’s what I’d contribute.

•”I’m not anorexic, I’m just better than you.”

•”I don’t need to stay relevant, I never was.”

•”If you want a prenup, I don’t want you.”

•”Don’t get jealous, get Botox.”

•”People may think I’m dumb, and they’re right.”

•”I didn’t marry for money, I married for millions.”

•”You might recognize me from daytime TV, but I’m Rated-R.”

•”You’d be obsessed with me too if you had these calves.”

•”I’m single and ready to file bankruptcy.”

•”I thank God every day for white privilege.”

•”Third husband’s a charm!”

•”If Charlize Theron thinks it’s hard being pretty, she should see me.”

•”I’m not a princess, I’m just a self-important asshole.”

•”Money can’t buy me—it does.”

•”People think they know me, but this nut is tough to crack.”

•”Bad nose jobs are a girl’s best friend.”

•”This gold digger went to the School of Mines.”

•”If you think I’m a piece of work, you should see my boobs.”

•”I may have a horse-mouth, but that doesn’t mean I’ll spill my secrets.”

•”I don’t gossip—I’ll call you an ‘alcoholic whore’ straight to your face.”

•”Lip injections may be temporary, but chin implants are forever.”

•”You, too, can marry for money if you work hard enough.”

•”I may be a hot mess, but at least I’m hot. And you’re not.”

•”If you don’t constantly look alarmed, you’re not doing it right!”

•”How can I be shallow, if my pockets are so deep?”

•”People think my husband is controlling, but he’s just a sexist pig.”

•”Money isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

•”People try to put me in a box, but I’ll only go if it’s cubic zirconia-encrusted.”

•”Don’t cry because it’s over—you’ll get wrinkles!”

•”Your name doesn’t have to be Felicia for me to say ‘BYE.'”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/suggested-taglines-real-housewives/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Boost Your Mood

Our mood is perpetually bad. We hate everything, and with good reason. But, we’re stuck here, so we may as well try not to be miserable 24/7. Enter: mood boosting. A technique we use to delude ourselves into feeling a little less bad for a little while. Here’s how to do it.

Sleep

I find that sleep is the solution to every problem. Got too much to do? Sleep. Sick? Sleep. You’re unlovable? Sleep. Throw. in. the. to. wel. You’ll be less cranky the more you sleep. Mostly because you’ll have to spend less minutes in the day facing the sad pathetic reality that is your life and the terrible people who surround you. #here’stobeingunconscious

Change up your routine

You know what puts you in a bad mood? The same old bullshit drudgery of the day-to-day. So do something different. I don’t care if that means buying a different scent of deodorant (“powder” is only “fresh” for so long you feel me?), taking off on an unplanned road trip in the middle of your workday, or telling your company’s receptionist to blow you—just give yourself a jolt of newness. Something to upset the status quo and pointlessness that you live alldayeveryday.

Take a bath

Baths are such refuge—a place to escape physical & mental distress. Baths are like safe zones, where nothing exists—everything just vanishes and you become weightless. It’s really too bad you ever have to get out. I hate to make the womb reference, but I’m gonna go there—we can fuck with the womb. It’s when we leave it that everything goes south. #it’salldownhillfromthere #oruphill? #becausedownhilliseasy #uphilliswhattakeseffort #eventhoughupisgenerallythedirectionassociatedwithpositivity #butlikeforrealcansomebodyclarifythatsaying

Listen to music, watch TV or a movie

Good music is king. Or watch a funny TV show. Live in someone else’s world for a while. #areyounoticingapattern #ifyou’renotgoingtoletusdoheroinwe’regoingtoneedothermeansofescape

….. Exercise?

I mean…. because.. science? Ugh it’s so hard to try to act like I believe in exercise. Frankly I don’t care if it produces good end results. Like, the journey isn’t worth it for real. Fuck endorphins, man, all you need is Skittles and chocolate milk.

Do something just purely for fun

Do something that’s not stressful, but just plain hedonistic. Whether that’s riding a roller coaster, coloring with your BAMF metallic colored pencils, playing Cards Against Humanity, having not-terrible sex (#istheresuchathing), eating something delicious, skydiving, looking at pictures of tween Drake for 3 hours, starting a Twitter war with Deborah Messing, or reading Hillary Clinton’s emails, just revel in it.

Medication

I’m not a pill-pusher, but life is hard enough—add to that serious mood swings or depression, and then it’s just like BYE. If medication actually helps you, go for it. Plus, you’ll become BFFs with your pharmacist—NO ONE will experience your ups and downs quite like him. #andnoonewillknowhowmanyyeastinfectionsyougetquitelikehim #that’struefriendship

Volunteer

Doing good makes you feel good. Also being around those less fortunate than you snaps you out of your privileged malaise. Or, if you want to do bourg-y volunteering, then hang with some puppies. If puppies don’t boost your mood then you should probably just kill yourself.

Go outside

Get some fresh air, or, if you’re in a place like LA, inhale the disgustingly polluted and toxic smog that surrounds you! Rain or shine, just soak it in, take some deep breaths, and remember that you can always leave wherever or whatever is putting you in a bad mood and get back to nature. That is, until climate change destroys it, the sun explodes and engulfs us, and we all burn to a crisp.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/9-things-will-really-boost-mood/

As Featured on News Cult: Questions I Would Ask the “Real Housewives” If I Ever Had the Chance to Interview Them

You’d think the infinity “reunion specials” for each season of each Real Housewives franchise would be enough to answer any questions I have for them, but nope—I’ve got more. So here’s what I would ask the “Real Housewives” if I was ever graced with the chance to interview them.

1. Are you ever confronted with the utter meaninglessness of your existence and everything you hold dear?

2. Studies show you’ve singlehandedly kept the taffeta industry in business. Why?

Part b) Why?

3. Have you ever eaten bread?

Part b) And kept it down?

4. How many Chinese children did it take to bedazzle everything you own?

5. What’s up with your face?

6. How many homeless people have you hit & run with your Bentley?

A) At least 3

B) Approx 10

C) Def in the teens and Suge Knight’ed at least 4 of them too

7. Who will get to keep the offshore accounts when your marriage falls apart on national television—you or your husband?

8. Do you ever worry that your children will take after you?

9. How much do you pay your Mexican nanny/maid/personal assistant/cook/gardener/parent to your kids?

10. Are you jealous that your husband has more Botox than you?

11. Marry Fuck, marry, or marry kill: Donald Sterling, Donald Trump, and Hugh Hefner?

12. How much money did you spend last year on throwing “charity events” and how much money did you actually raise for charity?

13. Is tax evasion an acquired skill, or are you just born with it?

14. Can you really be considered human if the majority of your body is composed of synthetic materials?

15. Which of the choices below would you use to describe your skin color?

A) Tang

B) Hi-C

C) Pyridium

16. It’s fair to say your marriage is a form of prostitution, correct?

17. But seriously your face though

18. Which of the below would you say best describes your fashion mantra?

A) Every day is prom night!”

B) “If it’s not chunky, it’s not jewelry. #likevomit #asincannedbeefstew #see:myassbeforeIhaditreplaced

C) “Your clothing should always be more expensive than the cost of clean water for any given impoverished country. Otherwise, how can you be sure you’re better than all those brown people?”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/questions-ask-real-housewives-ever-chance-interview/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Curse Someone

When you are wronged, you must seek justice, but in the most subtle of ways, because nothing is quite so sweet as revenge that takes its victim off guard, and also then you can’t be blamed for whatever misfortune befalls your foe. Enter: the curse. I’m not saying you have to believe in witchcraft or hold ritualistic sacrificial blood oath ceremonies or spend hours into the night pricking your collection of voodoo dolls (although you totally can—I’ve heard worse ideas), but just give the power of thinking a shot. Focus your energy on hoping really hard that one of the below things happens to your target, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. #karmahasnodeadline

1. I hope you get less than 10 likes on ALL your Instagram posts!

The powerful difference between:

And:

2. Step on a Lego! Actually,  I hope you step on a whole Lego house. We’re talking Ed Sheeran, here—a fucking Lego NEIGHBORHOOD.

3. I hope you cry a river and promptly drown in it.

4. I hope your rent is raised a more than manageable amount!

5. I hope that your narcissistic insecurity leads you to the decision to get plastic surgery and that it turns out really badly and that deals a crushing blow to any chance you might have ever had of feeling the tiniest bit good about yourself.

6. I hope you get at least three cavities at once, preferably at regular intervals. #flossingcan’tsaveyounow

7. May your inbox never get down to 0!

8. I hope you drank the water in Flint.

9. I hope you send an important document via regular mail and it gets lost! #should’vegonewithcertified

10. I hope your CVS receipt strangles you.

11. I hope you fall into a pit of glitter.

12. I hope all of your flights from here to eternity are delayed so that you miss all of your connections and lose all of your baggage. In fact, I hope you only ever get to take flights WITH stops and are banned from flying Southwest so you never get free peanuts or occasionally free Chex Mix or those little heart-shaped drink stirrer thingies and your bags will never fly free again!

13. I hope your smoking habit finally pays off and you die swiftly but painfully of the worst possible stage of lung cancer. #sohehuffedandhepuffedandhedroppedthefuckdead

14. May you be audited by the IRS.

15. I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Ann Coulter before she’s eaten her celery for the day.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/put-curse-someone-youre-twenty-something/