As Featured on News Cult: 7 Cons of Wearing Glasses

We’ve been over the pros of wearing glasses. Now let’s touch on the cons/our area of specialty: negativity.

1. People take them as an invitational conversation piece


2. Having to clean them

Lord. It’s such an event. You have to carry around your little spray bottle of solution which has to be anti-reflective coating-friendly of course, and you literally have to spritz and wipe them every 5 minutes because there’s always a smudge, or a fingerprint, or dust, or makeup, or, more likely in our case, crumbs.

3. Having to switch when sunglasses are needed

Take the glasses out of the case, put them on, step outside and see it’s blazing sun, put the glasses back in the case, take out the sunglasses, put them on, walk 50 feet to the coffee shop, step inside, take the sunglasses off, put them back in the other case… Annnnnnnnnnnnd repeat.

4. Rain

Don’t get us started. We really need little windshield wipers on our glasses lenses. Like those Volvo station wagons have on their front lights. Man, those were always so cool growing up. I mean now I recognize their futility, but back then–back then they were THE BOMB.

5. They’re fragile

Cases upon cases upon cases. And if you’re like me/have any sense at all and wear big frames, your cases have to be big, and big bulky cases take up so much space, which means you need a big bag, and pretty soon before you know it you’ve turned into your hoarder mother with the Russian Nesting Doll of purses.

6. Kissing

I mean, kissing is hard enough for us to get through as is with all its saliva-swapping and germs and tongue–SO MUCH TONGUE–that we don’t need the added hassle of bumper-frames. Not to mention the oil residue from skin smashing up against your lenses. THE OIL. Which just necessitates more cleaning. Pls see 2 ^^

7. Your eyesight just gets worse

And you have to consistently renew your prescription, which requires going to the doctor, which we hate because we hate doctors because they’re pompous insensitive assholes whose only job is literally to care for people but whose bedside manner couldn’t be worse and frankly Hitler knew how to be more compassionate.

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As Featured on News Cult: 7 Pros of Wearing Glasses

There are some perks to being bespectacled. Here they are:

1. Comparisons to Harry Potter

If there’s one person you want to resemble, it’s HP. A true hero. 

2. Improved eyesight 

Contrary to popular belief, glasses are not merely a fashion statement or a desperate gesture of hipster-ness. They actually serve a practical purpose. I know that’s like unheard of anymore, but we aren’t all a bunch of douchebag narcissistic entitled self-serving POS fanny pack-with-nothing-in-it-wearing Millennials.  

3. They’re a shield

Anything to create a barrier between us and other people.

4. The alternative is contacts

Having to insert scratchy pieces of glass directly into your eye? Um would you give yourself a vaccination? Or a pap smear? Or a colonoscopy? I don’t think so get out of here stop wasting my time.

5. People think you’re smarter

It’s not our fault they’re dumb enough to assume that only smart people wear glasses.

6. They make a great excuse

You can say you lost them when you don’t really want to look at something someone insists on showing you, or you can say you forgot them when someone suggests a carpool and then asks you to drive (of COURSE they’d do that, these are the same motherfuckers who order 3 entrees and then say “let’s just split the bill in half” we’re on to you you cheap self-centered wastes of space), or tell the teacher you can’t take the test because you left your glasses at home when really you just need an extension because you didn’t study because why would you there was an Oprah re-run marathon on obviously that takes priority, or when your doctor tells you you need to exercise, say you can’t because when you sweat it causes your glasses to fog up and then you can’t see and then you’re at risk for running into traffic or falling on the treadmill or missing a step on the stairs and then you’d be severely hurt if not dead and is that what they want for you? For you to die?? Geez they’re a horrible doctor what the fuck happened to the Hippocratic Oath umm can someone say MALPRACTICE?

7. They hide your tears

You literally cry all the time, so in order to be a functioning person in society, you need to be able to go about your daily activities while your tears are streaming, and in order to do that, you have to be able to disguise them because if you don’t people will constantly interrupt you asking what’s wrong are you ok and your ugly cryface will get in the way of your already-limited ability to interact with other humans. MULT👏I👏TASK👏people.

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