As Featured on News Cult: How to Maintain Your Privacy

Whether it’s the government, your nosy boss, your helicopter mom, or everyone on the Internet, you’re always going to have someone snooping around your personal space. So you have to learn how to protect your privacy. Here’s what you do.

Lie, pathologically

That way you’ll throw people off your trail—they’ll never know what’s actually true, so only you will be the keeper of your secrets. Don’t want your gossipy frenemies to speculate, spill the beans, or talk shit about your relationship status? Tell one of them you’re engaged, another you’re widowed, a third you’re a nun, and a fourth that all you can say is that you’re not allowed to go within 100 feet of playgrounds. Need to take some time off work but don’t want anyone to know why? Tell your boss you found a lump (I think we can all agree that nothing shuts people up more than any mention of “a lump”), tell HR you can’t legally disclose the reason for your absence (“the NSA would go apeshit“), and tell the person who’ll be filling in for you that you’re needed in Haiti because: Sean Penn. Or don’t feel like it’s necessary for anyone to ever know your real weight? Wear rocks in your pockets when the doctor weighs you, put a number that’s at least 20 pounds too optimistic on your driver’s license, and tell anyone else who asks a random number in kilograms (provided they’re American—it’ll leave them guessing for days).

Put things away for safekeeping


If people can’t find your shit, they can’t snoop on it. So lock it up and hide it away—under floorboards, in safes (do people actually use these?), locked file cabinets, your oven (it’s not like you’ll be using it for anything else), the back of your toilet—wherever people won’t be able to see it and/or will be deterred from going through it. I keep anything personal I have at my office in the above pouch from Blue Q, just to make things completely clear to my coworkers. #theycan’taccuseyouofbeingunprofessionalifyousay”please”

Let the NSA know you’re onto them

Say “hi” to them on all of your phone calls, or ask them to weigh in on the discussion (“How about you, NSA? Kelly and I can’t decide—do you think Kevin is a total asshole for saying he finds other women attractive, or should she give him the benefit of the doubt? (I mean, she’s no Virgin Mary, if you know what I’m saying..)”), or test them (“So I’m thinking of sneaking into the White House and stealing Michelle Obama’s arms…”), just so they know that you know that they’re listening. Or write a P.S. to them at the end of every email, (e.g. “P.S. To whom it may concern, all of my emails are written in code. SUCK IT, BITCH.”).

Maintain multiple identities

We’re compartmentalizing, people. Be one person around your family, another around your friends, and a third at work. To your mother, you’re a God-fearing virgin who wears stockings, flats and headbands without fault, eats a non-shameful amount of carbs, and participates politely in family functions, making sure to tamp down any real emotions while nodding and smiling like you’re any given politician’s wife. To your friends, you’re the girl who drinks wine an Olivia Pope-amount (but without the white/beige/off-white cashmere capes and permanent forlorn mouth-slightly-agape look), doesn’t wash her hair, and keeps a steady supply of Spaghetti-Os on her nightstand so she never has to leave her bed (the can opener is God’s Sistine Chapel). And to your boss, you’re a dedicated robot who sure can! make a double-sided three hole-punched scan easy peasy, speaks in a tone which does not convey whatsoever a desire to kill everyone whose presence you are forced to tolerate in the office, and who is best described as a “team player.”

Tell people to kindly, fuck off

The bottom line is that your stuff is your stuff, and I really don’t care if other people think they’re entitled to be all up in it. So the next time your sister steals the antique sewing machine your grandmother left you, bust into her house (I find it’s most effective if you break in by smashing a window in the middle of the night while wearing a ski mask), take it back, and tell her the next time she touches it you’ll have no problem sewing her sticky fingers together. Or the next time your boss comes right up behind you and stares at your computer screen, start Googling “human resources violations” while you tell him to butt the fuck out (“Did you, or did you not, hire me because you trust me? I CAN’T DO MY PERSONAL TASKS JOB WITH YOU HOVERING THERE”). And the next time a friend won’t stop pressing for details about your date the other night, simply say, “no” (because let’s be real there’s not going to be anything good to tell anyways).

Fortify your surroundings

People can’t invade your privacy if there are physical barriers. If you have a window pane that allows people to see into your office, spray it densely with fake snow (it’s a motherfucking blizzard up in here). Turn your computer monitor so it’s facing away from all possible vantage points. Protect all of your online accounts with the most obscure passwords possible (“okaybutreallywhat’sthedealwithRyanSeacrest’ssexuality?” or “ifyou’rereadingthisstop,” or “canweallagreethatLostwasalldownhillafterseason3,maybe4ifwe’rebeinggenerous(canyouunderlinepartsofpasswords?)?“). Take all phone calls in the bathroom, stairwell, or outside on a busy street only. Build a moat outside of every threshold in your vicinity, and populate the water with piranhas. #it’sabouttogetBiblicalupinthisbitch (#assumingyoucanestablishanicerhythmicflood)

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As Featured on News Cult: Why I’m Not Voting for Hillary Clinton, Even if She Wins the Nomination

Pick your jaws up off the floor, fellow liberal minds, and before you accuse me of treason, hear me out. I’ve already explained why I’m voting for Bernie Sanders. But, perhaps what is more important, is why I will not vote for Hillary Clinton, even if she ends up winning the Democratic nomination. Why? Let me count the ways…

She is a warmonger

She voted for the Iraq War, and we all know how well that turned out. Regarding her vote, she has said: “I thought I had acted in good faith and made the best decision I could with the information I had. And I wasn’t alone in getting it wrong.” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard such a childish attempt at excusing “one of the worst foreign policy blunders in the history of the United States,” as Bernie Sanders—who, with the same information as Clinton, voted no on the same war—aptly calls the Iraq War, (in no small part because it resulted in the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent lives).

Additionally, Clinton’s disastrous intervention and push for regime change in Libya, which she asserts was justified based on the unsubstantiated claim that Gaddafi was going to massacre the people of Benghazi, resulted in the irreparable “postwar chaos that’s left Libya without a functioning government, overrun by feuding warlords and extremist militants.” But rather than recognize or admit to the deadly consequences of her actions in Libya, Clinton has opted instead to betray her militaristic nature by saying things like, “We came, we saw, he died,” about the killing of Gaddafi.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Clinton wants to force yet another regime change in Syria by ousting Assad, which is an inherently flawed plan, and her proposal for a ‘no-fly’ zone in Syria is tantamount to declaring war against Syria and Russia.

Plus, the cherry on top: she is advised on foreign policy by the same firm that advises Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio—GOP candidates who both expressed “understanding” for Donald Trump’s bigoted proposal to ban Muslims from the U.S.

She is a liar

For example, in the Democratic presidential debate in New Hampshire on December 19 , 2015, Clinton claimed that Bernie Sanders’ proposed single-payer healthcare system would cost the U.S. government “$18 to $20 trillion.” This is a lie. In fact, Sanders’ proposal would save nearly $5 trillion dollars over 10 years.

In the same debate, Clinton claimed that only “3% of [her] donations come from people in the finance and investment world” and she has “more donations from students and teachers than [she does] from people associated with Wall Street.” This is, at best, an untruth aimed at misleading voters into thinking she’s not in Wall Street’s pocket, but rather is an ally to the working class, the average man, the 99%. In fact, Wall Street has contributed more than double 3% of her campaign funds. Additionally, Clinton has received about $2.5 million in itemized campaign contributions from the securities, investments, and commercial banking industries (i.e. “Wall Street”), plus more than $3.5 million in contributions by Wall Street to Super PACs that back her. On the other hand, she’s only received $747,493 “from those who self-identified as ‘students,'” and “those who said they were “teachers” have provided $518,495.” (Contrast this with Sanders, who has gotten record-breaking numbers of individual donations, averaging less than $30 each).

Additionally, in Sunday’s Democratic debate, Clinton essentially blamed Bernie Sanders’ for the 2008 economic crash as a consequence of the passing of the Commodity Futures Modernization Act (CFMA)—a bill which was signed into law by Hillary’s husband, then-President Bill Clinton, one month before he left office, and of which, as Robert Scheer writes, “a key author was Gary Gensler, the former Goldman Sachs partner recruited by Clinton to be undersecretary of the treasury… Today, Gensler is the top economic adviser to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign.”

She is inconsistent

Clinton seems to vote according to trends. Again, she voted for the Iraq War like a teen would excuse his underage drinking: ‘well everyone else was doing it!’—and now that it’s popular to denounce it, she does so. But apparently not one to learn from her mistakes, she made sure to leave her mark as secretary of state with Libya, which was essentially her Iraq. She’s also gone back and forth on supporting gay marriage. It’s fair to say the one thing she has not flip-flopped on over the years is her loyalty to bad pantsuits and that tacky haircut.

She is corrupt with greed

Not only does Hillary have an affinity for Wall Street and Super PACs, but, according to Forbes, her net worth is $45 million—and, of course, the two are not unrelated—between 2013 and 2015, she made over $2.9 million by making 12 speeches to big banks. And the lengths she will go in the name of greed don’t stop there: she also approved increases in weapons sales to Clinton Foundation donors. To top it off, she was a “proud” member of the Walmart board of directors for 6 years—arguably one of the most corrupt corporations, renowned for its poor, not to mention illegal, treatment of workers and child laborers.

In contrast, Bernie Sanders, whose net worth is estimated by Forbes at $700k, denounces Super PACs, has gotten only $47,187 in campaign contributions from Wall Street, and is intent on breaking up the big banks and their “greed and corruption that led to the 2008 financial crisis.” It seems to me that as a ‘public servant,’ an elected official’s job is to spend his or her career attempting to better the lives of the public, not amassing private, excessive wealth.

Considering all of these facts, I cannot in good conscience vote for Hillary Clinton. I hear a lot of people say it’s better to vote for her than a Republican—the idea being that “liberal”/Democrat, in any form, is better than “conservative”/Republican. But that kind of bandwagoneering is exactly what politicians and the media rely on to sway our votes. They’re counting on the fact that we won’t look past Hillary’s socially liberal shell and dig deeper into the truth of who she is and what she really represents. They’re banking on the fact that because popular celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Amy Schumer, and Lena Dunham have recklessly, irresponsibly, publicly endorsed Clinton, we are going to mindlessly follow in their footsteps. They’re relying on the female vote for Hillary—because it would be un-feminist not to. 

Well fuck that. By that logic, it would be racist not to vote for Ben Carson, the raging psychotic bag of shit that he is. Fuck the lesser of two evils argument—why vote for any evil? If we don’t take stands as matters of principles, we are sending the message that we are complicit. And I am not complicit in what Hillary Clinton represents.

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As Featured on News Cult: Why I Support Planned Parenthood

After the extremely maddening, unjust, horrific shooting that took place at Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs on Friday, I think now is an especially important time for me and others to show their support for Planned Parenthood. I’ve always supported it and always will, as long as it continues to be what it has been and is—a safe, accessible place for everyone, regardless of gender, to receive affordable and necessary healthcare. Regarding Friday’s shooter, I’ll just say this: why is it, that when the attacker is a Muslim, he’s an “evil, radical Islamic terrorist,” and when the subject of police force is black, he’s killed before he gets to exercise his right to due process, but when the shooter is white, he’s a “mentally deranged lone wolf,” brought into custody alive, and no one presumes to know his motives until he has his day in court? That is the most fucked up, backwards, infuriating inconsistency in societal judgment and law enforcement that exists. It seems more than safe to say that Robert Lewis Dear, a man who’s been accused of and in some cases charged with rape, domestic violence, animal cruelty, and being a peeping tom, decided to put his hunting gear on and shoot up his local Planned Parenthood, killing three innocent people and wounding nine others, all in the name of “no more baby parts”—another completely illogical, sick display of hypocrisy, which was clearly influenced (some may even say brainwashed) by the far-right bigoted propaganda in the form of doctored videos that represent a completely false portrait of Planned Parenthood, and countless other slanderous, hate-filled, ignorant displays of fundamentalist intolerance by extremist conservatives.

To set the record straight, let’s start off with some facts about Planned Parenthood. It’s been a healthcare resource for men and women for 99 years. There are 8 million+ Planned Parenthood activists, supporters, and donors. 3/4 of Planned Parenthood’s clients receive services to prevent unintended pregnancies. 34% of all Planned Parenthood health services are contraceptive services. The estimated number of unintended pregnancies averted by Planned Parenthood contraceptive services each year is 584,000. 3% of all Planned Parenthood services are abortion services. The increase in male Planned Parenthood clients from 2000 to 2010 was 105%. Planned Parenthood provides nearly 5 million people worldwide with sexual and reproductive health care and education each year. 76% of Planned Parenthood clients are at or below 150% of the federal poverty level. 8 in 10 Planned Parenthood clients are 20 years of age and older. And 1,000,000 clients are served by Planned Parenthood-supported partners in 10 developing countries.

I support Planned Parenthood because all of those things, all of those facts, are good. I believe that everyone, regardless of age, race, socioeconomic standing, sexual orientation, creed, should have equal access to healthcare. Unfortunately, because of the overwhelming disparity in wealth in the United States and worldwide, and the incredibly high cost of healthcare in the U.S. especially, a lot of people don’t have access to healthcare. But everyone has access to Planned Parenthood. Even if they don’t have insurance, or can’t afford treatment. Planned Parenthood accepts and will care for everyone, regardless of potential compensation. People who refer to Planned Parenthood as “an abortion clinic,” are, simply, wrong. And while I’m happy to take the wind out of the crutch that is the “Planned Parenthood is bad because ABORTION” argument, I also want to make it clear that I support Planned Parenthood BECAUSE it provides abortions, among countless other vital healthcare services. Abortion is safe. Abortion is legal. Abortion is a choice that is made individually. I don’t care if you don’t like abortions—don’t get one. But you sure as shit don’t have the right to tell me I can’t get one.

Don’t try to argue that abortion is the same as murder. Murder is what the Colorado Springs shooter did to those three innocent people, each of whom had spouses and young children. And no one should be forced into parenthood, especially if they aren’t ready for it or don’t want it. I don’t care if you think sex is a sin, and don’t believe in birth control because of your antiquated, unnatural, suppressive beliefs that cause most of you to end up molesting little boys—then don’t have sex. But you have no right to tell me or anyone else that we’re not allowed to have sex, and, furthermore, enjoy it, without having to reproduce as a consequence. There are lots of scientific arguments for why people shouldn’t reproduce, not least of which is overpopulation, which is leading to the rapid environmental degradation of the planet—but how about, I JUST DON’T WANT TO HAVE A KID, so I’m not fucking going to. Period.

Planned Parenthood is a safe haven from hyper-critical, imposing, overbearing attempts to control individual rights and freedoms. It provides non-judgmental, supportive healthcare for people in most need of it. It’s easy to step up onto a pedestal of moral superiority and cast shame upon people who don’t share your beliefs. It’s easy to operate from a place of violent power—which is what people who oppose Planned Parenthood to the point of voting to defund it on a federal level, and attacking its clinics, do. But despite all of those obstacles, Planned Parenthood fights every day to support everyone—whether that means providing a safe place to get an abortion, distributing free condoms, counseling patients on STDs, giving cancer screenings, or providing an affordable routine pap smear—no matter what. It’s a hell of a lot harder to fight against hate, and violence, and ignorance, than it is to perpetuate it—what Planned Parenthood does takes courage, and without it, so many of us would be lost. So I stand with them, and am not going to stop, despite acts aimed at terrorizing doctors who provide crucial, feasibly attainable healthcare and women who exercise their right to reproductive freedom.

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As Featured on News Cult: Gun Violence: Let’s Discuss

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I’ve never weighed in on the gun debate publicly. I’ve always had thoughts, questions, feelings about it, but haven’t ever taken to social media. Perhaps because I felt like my voice didn’t matter among the millions of others pronouncing theirs. And I still feel that way–what I say here, or anywhere, isn’t going to change anything. And maybe it’s not supposed to. And maybe I’m not trying to influence anyone or anything. But as this latest gun violence-related tragedy at Umpqua Community College has hit us, I, as it seems many others too, have reached a sort of point of reckoning; a bizarre plateau of indifference, mixed with horror, mixed with defeat. We know this place–we’ve been here many times before. Too many. Yet, here we are again. And I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said already by countless others, over and over again. But I want to finally discuss my many mixed emotions and thoughts on gun violence, with hopes that maybe it will contribute to a larger conversation, which maybe some way, somehow, will bring peace to whoever needs it.

First, I kind of think the Second Amendment right is irrelevant here. I know that’s what most people who are pro gun rights center their argument around, but I don’t think that’s really the crux of the issue. No one is arguing that people who are capable of handling guns properly shouldn’t have the right to bear them. The problem lies with people who misuse guns. That’s where the policy change needs to happen. So everyone calm the fuck down about how your guns are going to be taken away. And also, frankly, some of you who think you should be carrying guns probably shouldn’t anyways, so laws limiting their accessibility would probably be good for you too.

It’s pretty simple–require background checks on people who are buying guns. And background checks that involve an investigation into mental health, as well as criminal history. Would you give an untreated schizophrenic person a gun? No. It’s literally that simple. And this is coming from someone who considers herself crazy. Like, I would probably fail a background check. Do I think I’m able to carry and use a gun responsibly? I know I am. But I also respect that with hundreds of millions of people in the U.S., there have to be certain laws and procedures that apply en masse. And if that means that if you pass the crazy test (as in you fail it–like, you pass in that you’re crazy), you can’t carry a gun, and I would def pass the crazy test, then so be it–I won’t get a gun. If that means that hundreds, thousands, potentially millions of others who couldn’t and/or wouldn’t use a gun responsibly also couldn’t get one, I happily sacrifice my individual right–for the common good. Isn’t that what patriotism is all about? (Like, I’m really asking–I don’t get it. Loved the movie but I’ve never been a good patriot).

I’m not so selfish as to protect my right to bear arms above all others’ rights–including their rights to life. I would rather I never have the right to own a gun than any more innocent lives be taken by people using guns who shouldn’t. And this isn’t all to say I think background checks would permanently solve all gun violence problems and there would never again be mass shootings–but it’s a start. There are no perfect answers. There are no complete solutions. But there are better and worse ones. 

And let’s talk more about mental health. I think this is the main issue. People get outraged when the focus of the gun debate becomes mental health. Because they say mentally ill people aren’t more likely to commit crimes involving gun violence. And mentally ill people get painted as the villains. I happen to think that argument is also a pile of horse shit. The point is not that mentally ill people are dangerous, and everybody take cover because who knows when they’re going to be mentally unstable and shoot up a place. The argument is that people who commit acts of gun violence need help. They are mentally ill. Not that every Tom, Betty and Susie with Down Syndrome is going to open fire at school. But that in order to kill people, especially in a mass shooting, you have to be somewhat mentally ill. I honestly believe this. And yes, hatred, and racism, and prejudice, and sadism can be products of mental illness. I already know what a lot of you are thinking–that I’m using mental illness as a crutch–an excuse to pardon gun violence. But that, too, is besides the point. The point is that if everyone had better access to mental health resources, people wouldn’t fall through the cracks. They wouldn’t get to the point where their only solution is to kill multiple people and themselves. They would be able to work out whatever underlying issues make them want to commit these acts of violence, and, hopefully, not end up committing them.

But so long as we have a government that is primarily driven by greed and profit, the mental and physical well-being of its citizens will never be paramount. Wherein lies the money, therein lies the power. I just came up with that. I should be a chief of staff. Or lots of people have probably said that before. Whatever. Like, we all know this by now: the government gives approx. -0.000001 fucks about us. Unless you come from oil money. So I suggest getting a job with good health insurance, or marrying someone with a job that gives good health insurance, or dying before you turn 27. Omg the 27 club FINALLY makes sense–they were all anticipating the reign of Obamacare!

Because we all need mental health help. You may not want to admit it, but you’re fucked up by virtue of being human. So you need help. You may not need as much help as your neighbor who’s writing manifestos about how he’s going to blow every woman’s brain out who ever didn’t want to date him, but you still need help. And if you’re lucky, you’re afforded the help you need. If you’re not, you and a lot of other people are potentially at risk of the consequences. 

I guess my bottom line is we need to do a better job of looking after our people–by instituting not just stricter gun laws but more effective mental healthcare regulations. And maybe stop thinking about what all of this means for us as individuals, and start thinking about what it means for society at large. Because while God knows we would love to live in a vacuum without contact with anyone else ever, that’s just unfortunately not reality. You may be vehemently stubborn in your belief that you can and should be able to own and do what you want with however many kinds of guns you want. But think for a second about what the world would look like if everyone thought that way–what it does look like with that being the mainstream pattern of thought.

If nothing else, fall back into thinking about what that means for you again–it means people can attack you and your loved ones with guns rather easily. One minute you’re watching a movie in a theater (which like btw why are you doing that who does that anymore ever heard of the Internet??) and the next, you’re being sprayed with bullets from an AK-47 some lonely teen bought off the shelf at Walmart. Is that really the best way for our society to function? (I’m inclined to say yes because I think the world would be better off without selfish people like you, but also I’m rising above it and saying that, for fuck’s sake, NO– no that is NOT the best way. I’m willing to coexist with you–reluctantly, but still–if it means a less violent world.)

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