As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Flaky People

We’ve all had to deal with flaky people. And it’s no secret they’re the worst. They bail on plans, take three days to text you back, and jerk you around like you’re stances on important issues and they’re Hillary Clinton. They live by one principle, and one principle only: inconsideration. And thus, are the ultimate narcissists. But perhaps the saddest part of all of this is that we let them affect us. We’re at their beck and call—ready and willing to be flaked on and then come back for some more. And while I’m sure there’s some psychological phenomenon(-a?) that can be attributed to, rather than try to make sense of our masochistic tendencies, let’s just agree that we’ve had enough. Fuck the flakes. Here’s how you deal with them.

Flake on them right back

How do they like it? How’s it feel to be flaked on, huh? Actually they probably won’t care or notice, but as a matter of principle, we’ll treat them how they treat others. #flakeesturnedflakers

cut them out of your life

Snippity SNIP that dead weight. You have to go cold turkey. Otherwise, you’ll be forever caught in their web. Delete their number, destroy any and all evidence of their existence (yes, this applies to burning their house down), and refuse to engage if they contact you. Put yourself into witness protection if you have to. Join Scientology—I don’t care, just whatever it takes to get out from under the flaky hold.

TAKE A HIT OUT ON THEM

Just straight up have them murdered. This may seem drastic, but the world would be better off without them. So, you’re welcome, everybody.

hang out with non-flakes

I know, revolutionary—how about trying to populate your life with decent people instead of those who treat you like you’re disposable? I’ve heard there are a few not-completely-shitty humans out there, so go get ’em. *Hint: start with the Trader Joe’s cashiers (literally any of them—their excellence is unmatched).

distract yourself

If you’re finding it difficult not to get entangled with a flaky person, fill your schedule with a lot of other things so you’ll be left with no time, energy, or head space to focus on them. Take up water aerobics, join a motorcycle club, speed walk with your 94-year old neighbor, FaceTime relentlessly with your dog, pour yourself into your work (LOL…OL), get into a spirited debate with a Hillary supporter which just consists of you repeatedly asking them to justify the Iraq War and them repeatedly saying, “I don’t owe you an explanation,” make a unicorn costume because you’re FUCKING MAGICAL, volunteer to impart all of your inappropriate advice read to kids, mail glitter bombs to all of your enemies, use all of your sick days on a Golden Girls marathon… The possibilities are endless.

make friends with their friends

Become super close to their inner circle. Just to make a point—(“Even though you don’t seem to value me, other people do. In other words, flake on me and I will replace you, motherfucker.” #onlyBeyoncéisirreplaceable #actuallyapparentlyevensheisn’t #I’myourBeckywiththegoodhair,bitch #Infiltration101).

don’t even start with them

Although you’ve been known to make some pretty terrible decisions, your intuition is sometimes right. So if when you first meet someone, you sense that they’re flaky, don’t even begin a relationship with them, friendship or otherwise. There’s no point in starting something that’s going to eventually reveal itself to just be you spending hours waiting by the phone, unfulfilled, crying on the bathroom floor a whole lot of nothing. Save yourself the heartache. #NEXT

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/deal-flaky-people/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Get Along with Your Guy Friends’ Girlfriends

Your guy friends—God love ’em—often choose terrible girlfriends. Which is why you aren’t dating them. But, interacting with their annoying GFs is unavoidable if you want to maintain your friendships with them. So here’s how to get along with their girlfriends.

Shower her with compliments

Especially when you first meet her—make a great first impression, and you’ll be forever loved by the GF. Here are some lines you can use:

•”O.M.G. Your hair is so shiny! Like even if it’s because you haven’t washed it, it’s still really really reflective of light.”

-OR-

•”Where did you get that dress?! It’s so hard to find clothes that flatter plus size women!”

-OR-

•”You know I just think it’s so great that Greg has finally found someone who likes to just sit in the corner and always seems to be cold (like get a sweater am I right?!) and never wants to participate in conversation. Really—how awesome is it for him that he gets to be graced by such a delicate, stereotypically feminine presence?”

Don’t talk too much

As with in the animal kingdom, you have to establish who is the dominant one—who is the predator and who is the prey. Of course, the girlfriend has to think she’s the dominant one, or else she’ll feel threatened by your bond with her guy. So don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. And even then, be as monosyllabic as possible. I suggest ending with, “Yes, massa” every time you address her.

Dress like a bag lady

Listen, ladies—we don’t want to threaten her with our marvelous curves, so let’s just dress like we push around a shopping cart full of other people’s trash for a living. Intentionally rip your sweatpants and drag them through the mud if you have to; shack up with a homeless person for a week to get into character; don ‘t shower for 12 days (psht easy)—we have to do what we have to do to authenticate our drab look. If you show up looking fly, she’s going to consider you competition, and no amount of you explaining that notrust you—you have no desire to bang her boyfriend because no offense but if the fit of his skinny jeans is any indication, he’s not packing much down there, is going to save you.

Ask her about their relationship

People love to talk about their relationships. It’s verbal PDA. How they met, where they traveled over the holiday, what they got each other for their anniversary, blah blah blah soooooo don’t care, but they don’t have to know that—just get them talking and it’s a runaway train. Use the fact that they think their relationship is just really neat to your advantage. You could even check a few emails, finish your grocery list, and call your mom to yell at her for not texting you back while they’re on their roll—they won’t notice.

Criticize yourself a lot

Make it clear that, lookyou don’t like you, either. So you certainly don’t expect her to. In fact, you’re on team her—you’d choose her over you any day. You can see why Greg is with her—hell, you’d date her given the chance. So don’t worry, you come in peace. You’re hoping that you can both just take pity on you and use that as a common ground on which you can get along. Mutual hatred is a great unifier. I find it also helps if you walk into your first interaction with her waving a white flag—the bigger, the better. Strip a sheet off a [reputable] hotel bed [otherwise you run the risk of stains, which will only serve to discredit you], and come into the bar swinging that thing loud and clear.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/get-along-guy-friends-girlfriends/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Nosy People

Nosy people are mosquitos in human form—mosquimans. Husquitos. They get all up in your metaphorical space when it’s just like bruh you donknowmeyou don’t know my life! Of course, we’re nosy, too—or, “curious,” as we prefer to label it—but we know how to be in the most undetectable, subtlest of ways. Like, whatever happened to tact? Nosy people sure as fuck don’t have it. So here’s how you deal with them.

Use repellant

Douse yourself in AXE Bodyspray®, tip a porta potty over while you’re in it, or confront a skunk so he sprays you—take one for the team, because as awful as it is to be covered in shit, it’s infinity times worse to be pestered with questions about your job, your apartment, your relationship or let’s be real lack thereof, and on and on and mercilessly on

Shut them up

Make up answers to their invasive questions so they’ll regret prying/STFU. E.g., when you’re at a party and aren’t drinking because you just fucking aren’t and people relentlessly ask, “You’re not drinking?! Why?? Do you just not drink?” etc. etc. etc., say:

•”Alcohol just magnifies the voices in my head—our conversations get heated enough as is—I don’t need Billy, Todd, or Jan yelling at me on top of it. Like, we get it, Jan, you’re going to murder every third person I meet at this party—we heard you the first five times!”

-OR-

•”I’m expecting, and this will be my fourth—miscarriage, that is, unless I can get it right this time and limit myself to just one glass of wine a day, which I already had with breakfast this morning, so, fingers crossed!”

-OR-

•”Because when I drink the chances of me punching you in the face grow exponentially. Actually, on second thought, grab me a beer.”

-OR-

•”Drinking inhibits my ability to speak to the dead.”

Pretend you don’t understand/can’t hear them

Pretend you don’t speak English (or whatever language they’re speaking), or that you’re deaf or on a phone call—whatever you have to do to get them to take a hint. Knowing our luck, though, they’ll speak every language including sign and our phone will start ringing while we’re ‘talking’ on it, in which case, your best bet is to just bolt. Of course you won’t be able to go very far or fast because we have the lung capacity of a 92-yr old 5-pack-a-day smoker in the body of a stout, chubby little boy 3 funnel cakes deep, but I’d say you can at least make it to the next open doorway/alley/corner. If not, then you’re going to have to fall down and play dead—the paramedics will totally understand.

Turn the tables

Get all nosy on them. Ask too many forward questions. E.g.:

•”What’s it like to have such a fiercely receding hairline?”

•”Let me guess—you’re an only child who was homeschooled and breastfed until you were 6?”

•”When you look in the mirror, do you have the same hateful thoughts about yourself as I do when I look at you?”

•”Are you sexually active? Jacking off into the same crusty sock night after night while you cry over the phone to your mom doesn’t count.”

Ignore them

I know this is like socially unacceptable, because it’s “rude,” but you know what else is rude? Being nosy. And, as they say, fight rudeness with rudeness. If you can’t bring yourself to ignore them while they’re talking at your face, your other option is to act like you actually believe they don’t exist—they’re climate change and you’re any given Republican, baby. #ifyoudon’tbelieveit,it’snotthere #turningblindeyeslikethey’remotherfuckingdoorknobs

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/wtf-looking-deal-nosy-people/

As Featured on News Cult: How To Be Social

Being social is impossible, because we hate people. And because we are socially challenged (or, as we prefer to call it, “special”). So it’s an effort, to say the least. It’s an art, really. Second only to war. Here’s how you do it.

Force yourself

Channel a rapist’s spirit—use pressure and coercion. It’s literally the only way you’ll be successful, because if it were up to you, you’d stay home in your stretch pants 24/7, bed sores be damned.

Smile

Nonstop. I find that if I make myself smile, I automatically come off as much more personable and like I actually give a shit about other people (LOL). This is of course as fake as any given Kardashian body part, but, like with every swipe of our credit card that we await with bated breath, if it works, we’ll take it.

Drink

Socially lubricate the situation. And then make sure to talk about how you’re lubricating the situation, socially. #saylubricationfivetimesfast #lookwhojustinventedanewpartygame #notsosociallyineptanymore,arewe?

Have an ally

If you’re going to throw yourself into a social lion’s den, bring someone with you who doesn’t completely suck. Your best friend, your mom, your librarian—it doesn’t matter. Just make sure you have someone you can stand with you who you can shit-talk and mercilessly judge the rest of the crowd with.

Bring a book

If all else fails and/or you don’t have an ally to accompany you because you’re alone in life, bring a book to whatever fresh hell you’re going. You can break it out at the bar, or in the corner of the house party, or pop a squat with it in the mosh pit. People can and will judge you, but what they fail to realize is that we’ve already judged them fourteen times over—it’s called preemptive war, bitch.

Lower your expectations

If you expect that whatever social situation you’re going to enter will suck, then you won’t be disappointed when it does. And it will suck. Hard. You will meet no one worthy or interesting, just guys with flaccid, receding hairlines and perplexing levels of confidence; you will have to forgo all food options because of the grubby hands that will have shoved themselves ALL up into each snack item; and you’ll be stuck waiting for your ride because let’s face it you’re too cheap to Uber home by yourself.

Bring prepared talking points

All successful socialites break out a set of notecards during every social interaction. I suggest you rely on the trusty old triumvirate of conversation topics: politics, money and religion. Some suggested talking points on each subject are below:

•”Fuck, marry, or kill?: Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz and Ben Carson.”

•”Judging by your outfit, it looks like you spend an excessive amount of money on material possessions, when people are starving to death all over the world. Care to comment?”

•”Do Catholic priests have an obligation to report what they hear in confessional to law enforcement? I mean, shouldn’t they, obviously? #evenI,themostferventandfrequentuserofthephrase’suckit,’wouldn’tutterthosewordswithinspittingdistanceofapriest”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/social-apparently-important/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Curse Someone

When you are wronged, you must seek justice, but in the most subtle of ways, because nothing is quite so sweet as revenge that takes its victim off guard, and also then you can’t be blamed for whatever misfortune befalls your foe. Enter: the curse. I’m not saying you have to believe in witchcraft or hold ritualistic sacrificial blood oath ceremonies or spend hours into the night pricking your collection of voodoo dolls (although you totally can—I’ve heard worse ideas), but just give the power of thinking a shot. Focus your energy on hoping really hard that one of the below things happens to your target, and you just may be pleasantly surprised. #karmahasnodeadline

1. I hope you get less than 10 likes on ALL your Instagram posts!

The powerful difference between:

And:

2. Step on a Lego! Actually,  I hope you step on a whole Lego house. We’re talking Ed Sheeran, here—a fucking Lego NEIGHBORHOOD.

3. I hope you cry a river and promptly drown in it.

4. I hope your rent is raised a more than manageable amount!

5. I hope that your narcissistic insecurity leads you to the decision to get plastic surgery and that it turns out really badly and that deals a crushing blow to any chance you might have ever had of feeling the tiniest bit good about yourself.

6. I hope you get at least three cavities at once, preferably at regular intervals. #flossingcan’tsaveyounow

7. May your inbox never get down to 0!

8. I hope you drank the water in Flint.

9. I hope you send an important document via regular mail and it gets lost! #should’vegonewithcertified

10. I hope your CVS receipt strangles you.

11. I hope you fall into a pit of glitter.

12. I hope all of your flights from here to eternity are delayed so that you miss all of your connections and lose all of your baggage. In fact, I hope you only ever get to take flights WITH stops and are banned from flying Southwest so you never get free peanuts or occasionally free Chex Mix or those little heart-shaped drink stirrer thingies and your bags will never fly free again!

13. I hope your smoking habit finally pays off and you die swiftly but painfully of the worst possible stage of lung cancer. #sohehuffedandhepuffedandhedroppedthefuckdead

14. May you be audited by the IRS.

15. I hope you get stuck in an elevator with Ann Coulter before she’s eaten her celery for the day.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/put-curse-someone-youre-twenty-something/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Tell Someone Off

Being able to effectively tell someone off is an important life skill, because everyone is terrible. As someone who frequently encounters the need to tell people off, but struggles with how to do so—because confrontation is uncomfy, whether in a professional, romantic, or platonic context—allow me to share what I’ve learned on the subject so you can hopefully have an easier time expressing to your nemeses just exactly where they can shove it. 

1. Do it

It’s kind of scary to tell someone off, even though they’re the one in the wrong. But you’ve just got to get over your nerves and do it. As I like to say, ball up—or, ovary up. Bullies rely on peoples’ weakness and fear. So they’re expecting you to cower, not to stand up for yourself. Which is why it’s that much sweeter when you do tell them off, because it completely catches them by surprise and takes the wind out of their overinflated sales. You’re a motherfucking sparkling shining throwing star hurtling right at them and they’ll never see it coming.

2. Be straight and to the point 

You want to leave emotion out of it and no room for misinterpretation/manipulation of your words. Just state the facts, without over-explaining or being apologetic. Bullet points are helpful if you’re doing this in an email. As are sound effects. E.g. as you type the below bullet points, yell out “BAM” after each one.

-‘Let me be very clear—your lack of professionalism rivals even Bill Clinton’s circa Monica Lewinsky, and I will not stand for it.’ [“BAM“]

-‘The way you speak to me is inappropriate, disrespectful, and completely unacceptable. I am not Donald Sterling’s girlfriend. I will not tolerate it.’ [“BAM“]

-‘You have failed to do your job and fulfill your obligations—for a minute, I thought I was a resident of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina and you were FEMA. This needs to change.’ [“BAM“]

I don’t care if you’re alone at home or on your computer at a crowded coffee shop full of people who don’t have real jobs but want to convince themselves they do “writers”—saying these sound effects out loud will really add a dose of BAMF to the situation.

3. Take no prisoners

Listen, as with every bout of psychological warfare, there are going to be casualties. Maybe the person you’re about to tell off used to be a good friend, or maybe they’re a co-worker you have to see and interact with every day, or maybe they’re your soon-to-be ex-significant other, so you kind of dread the fall out. But, such is life. Clearly this person is a toxic presence in your life, and it’s time to take out the trash. #maythebridgesyouburnlighttheway

4. Make it clear you don’t give a shit about this person

Or what they think of you. People who require telling off are power-hungry control freaks. They like thinking they’re the dominant one, and that you have some fear of or admiration for them. Which is why it’s so fun to pull the rug out from under them and make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that you couldn’t give less fucks, unless it’s possible to give negative fucks, about them. If you were on a sinking ship together, you would have no concern for their ability to make it safely onto a lifeboat. If you were on a crashing plane together, you would put on your oxygen mask first and not hesitate to not assist them with theirs. You could hear that they died and frankly it would put a little pep in your step. In the courageous and insightful words of Big Sean: “I got a million trillion things I’d rather fuckin’ do than to be fuckin’ with you, lil stupid ass bitch. I don’t give a fuck about you, or anything that you do.”

5. Remember it doesn’t matter how they react

You can’t control how they respond to you, so do what you do best, and don’t care. They could, and probably will, blow up. They may scream, they may yell, they may shit talk you to other people, they may slash your tires—none of that is your fault, and all you have to do in reaction is maintain composure and let them be the architect of their own undoing. Of course you can and should and will still destroy them, because nobody gets away with treating you like that, but do so with subtle revenge tactics—we’re talking Shakespearean combat. On the outside, you’re all smiles, rainbows and bright-eyed fucking bushy-tailed bunnies.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/tell-someone-off-without-total-bitch/

As Featured on News Cult: The Best Comebacks

The haters gon hate, right? So we have to be prepared to hate on their hate. And hating is our specialty. With that in mind, here are the best comebacks to use in response to any insult or slight. #allpurposehating #wehateyourhatealldayerday

“Would you speak to your mother that way? Actually wait don’t answer that your mom’s probably a cunt.”

Somebody’s panties are in a twist. It’s like you’re wearing a thong. Are you wearing a thong? Is that what’s stuck up your ass?”

“Don’t you have a Sizzler buffet to destroy or something?”

“Well it just so happens that I hate me, too.”

“You’re someone who sells his or her body for money!”

^^follow up with: “And for not very much!”

“If I had a penny for every time I didn’t care about what you were saying, I would have at least one penny–for right now, this moment.”

“Have you always hated women or did your dick only recently shrink?”

“I’d rather get trapped in a stickup with Ben Carson than be here, with you.”

“If you were a cheese, you’d be Velveeta.”

^^follow up with: “Only you could ruin cheese!”

“You’re the worst. Like clearly it’s your fault Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner broke up.”

“Your mom is TERRIBLE in bed.”

“You’re like the red Starburst. No one wants you.”

“I prefer ‘cottage cheese thighs.'”

“If I were a busboy, and your waiter asked me to take an order of bread pudding with ice cream to your table of 6, I would assume it was for you.”

“You put the WHORE in HORRible.”

“Sorry, what was that? I can’t hear you over the endless stream of bullshit you’re spewing.”

“Blow me while falling off the tallest building in your vicinity and being offered the senior discount when you’re 40.”

“If you were a stripper, you’d get the 1 PM Tuesday shift. But only in towns with pop. < 22,000.”

“I just don’t understand why you’re being so rude. Did I offend you by asking a perfectly reasonable question? Did it hurt your feelings when I pointed out the inconsistencies in what you’re saying? Do you feel personally attacked by the fact that I hold you accountable? You’re acting like I rape-pillaged your mother while talking smack about your poorly designed website and taking a shit on your protein shake regimen.”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=69099