As Featured on News Cult: How to Not Hold a Grudge

I mean, there’s nothing more tempting than holding a grudge. Why? Because people are the worst, and when they display that with their idiotic, insensitive, narcissistic behavior, they should be cut out of your life like Jim Bob Duggar’s vas deferens needs clipping, and forever haunted by your vengeance. But—holding a grudge takes a lot of time and energy and we don’t have either of those (well, we have time, but we need to spend it on exerting no energy whatsoever). So we’re just gonna let it go like it’s our baby and we’re Michael Jackson on a balcony. Or Eric Clapton.

Here’s how to not hold a grudge.

Remember that people are their own undoing

People will get what’s coming to them—you don’t have to be the one to give it to them. That is the job of a little something we call karma. (Actually I think we totally co-opted that term and have misused it since, but whatever (as white Westerners do)). In the words of Justin Timberlake, “What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.” Pure poetry.

Breathe a sigh of relief

If you don’t hold a grudge, you get to let go of so much anger. And I know anger is, like, our favorite hobby, but its negative impact mainly manifests in you, not the other person. If it were the other way around, I’d totally say go for it, but unfortunately, it really only eats away at your own well being. Unless you channel it. Which brings me to…

Get revenge

Ok I know I’m touting this whole zen take the high road crap, but if there’s a way of exacting swift revenge, just do it, as Nike would say. Get it over with so you’ll be able to rid yourself of the burden of whoever or whatever was grudge-worthy, and move on with your life like you’re Tonya Harding (because she just glides gracefully. On the ice. Or at least up until 1994. Ok bad example but in my defense I don’t know the names of any other professional ice skaters. So what if she wore a diaper on her cross-country kill trip? Or wait that was Lisa Nowak—who, interestingly enough, also bounced around weightlessly—one might even say without any burden—in space. But seriously don’t follow either of their examples when it comes to revenge).

Take pity

On the person you want to hold a grudge against. Clearly, as their actions have already proven, they’re a pitiful person. They’re just pathetic—you actually feel a little sorry for them. As Gandhi would probably say, “Don’t swallow that haterade, yo.”

Vent

Make sure to just bitch a lot about the person who done you wrong to your friends and family. Just get it out of your system. If this means having them on rotating shifts 24/7, then so be it. Hey, you didn’t choose to be born—consequently, your parents always have to be there for you 100% even if it’s in the middle of the night or during one of the two times a year they have sex, or, as they called it when you walked in on them at 16, “hugging.”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/fuggedaboutit-not-hold-grudge/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with Getting Fired

At one point or another, you’re going to get fired. Everyone does (unless you’re balls-deep in nepotism). It’s just another shit fact of life to add to the pile. And it feels like a much bigger deal than it actually is, which is why you need some effective coping mechanisms so you can survive it. Here’s what I’ve learned about getting fired and the best way to deal with it.

Don’t take it personally

Even if it is personal. If you internalize it, you’ll shame spiral and that does no one any good. Of course, I suppose if you being fired is a result of your behavior, it could be a learning opportunity (excuse me while I choke down the vomit that the phrase “learning opportunity” induces)—but even that only goes so far before you have to move on and up. So whether or not it’s your fault, being fired is water off a duck’s back. It does not define you, it does not say some horrible truth about you, and it doesn’t have to prevent you from living your life. #rollingwiththepunchesrightthefuckoutthedoor #byeeeeee

Be cordial

While the chances are that if you’re being fired, it’s going to be a tense situation, regardless of the circumstances, try not to burn too many bridges. Whether your boss is the world’s largest prick or a nice guy who couldn’t afford to keep you on, be polite, professional, and unemotional throughout the process. If nothing else, this will up your chances of being able to get a good    reference out of them—and we’ll do anything if it benefits us, even if that means feigning politeness to someone we hope with our every waking breath gets hit by a bus, run over, and then backed over again by the bus, à la Suge Knight.

Ask for severance & a reference

If you’re not automatically offered it. The worst that can happen is they say no. Check your state labor laws to see if you’re legally entitled to severance, so that if you face resistance, you can back up your request with facts. And even if your employer isn’t bound by law to give you anything, I think it’s still worth a shot—you’ll never know until you ask. Likewise, ask if you can count on a good reference—ideally you’d get one in writing, but if nothing else, make sure you establish where you stand with your boss’ future recommendation or lack thereof so you don’t have to awkwardly reach out to them after you’ve officially cut ties (not that you can’t still reach out to them, but I find it’s easier to just get these things out of the way). And if they say they won’t give you a positive reference, at least you figured that out right out the gate so you won’t waste time relying on it and can game plan alternative references (and of course also how to ruin their life).

Make sure to document everything

Write down everything that happens and is said, and try to get everything in writing from your employer, just in case you have to file a complaint against them. If we’ve learned nothing else from Hillary Clinton, a paper trail is the best possible indictment. And also you don’t want to have to rely on your memory—it’s going to be really hard to recall exactly how many times your boss called you a “fucking cunt” if you don’t tally it as it’s happening (14).

Apply for unemployment

My understanding is that you’re eligible for unemployment if you’re fired/laid off, but not if you quit. Which is one of the perks of getting fired—we can outlast even the most untenable of employment situations if it means the difference between $0 and $500 per week. Sure, it’s never going to be as much money as you were making, but it’s something, and it will help tide you over until you find your next gig. #you’restillgonnaneedtocutbackonyourlattesthough #andyourbikiniwaxes #embracethebush

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/weve-deal-getting-fired/

As Featured on News Cult: How to be Happy for Someone

Let’s face it, we’re never happy for anyone—we want them to be just as miserable as we are. But, as Oprah would tell us, we should really work on that. If only because it will benefit us—it’s just easier to not be jealous, bitter that someone else has something that we want, or hold a grudge. So channel that laziness that you’ve worked really hard to perfect and attempt to actually be happy for someone. Whether they’re getting married, or got the job they wanted, or think their new haircut is really cool even though it’s just not personally your taste and looks a little tacky. Here’s how you do it.

Pretend

Ok so maybe you don’t have to genuinely be happy— I think Hillary Clinton put it best when she said, “a little lying never hurt anybody, right?” What difference does it make to the other person, anyways? They won’t know that on the inside you’re seething with rage and picturing them as the protagonist in Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Pit and the Pendulum.”

Focus on all of the pathetic things about the person

It’s so much easier to not begrudge someone their good fortune if you take time to meticulously inventory and bask in every one of their deficiencies.

Convince yourself you don’t want what they have

I mean, unless what they have is a lifetime supply of leggings, ice cream, and a memory foam couch, I see no reason to let jealousy get in the way of your happiness for them.

Remember the benefit to you

Cling to it—when you feel like letting go, remember that we’re only doing this because it will make us feel better. Come back to your center and remember that everything revolves around it.

Life’s not a competition

Contrary to every elementary school track and field day ever, the point is not to win, or beat anyone, or even measure up to them—someone has to be the loser, so it may as well be you.

Remind yourself that happiness breeds happiness

Kumba-fucking-ya.

Listen, if you want a shot in Hell at ever feeling remotely happy, you’ve gotta spread the love, man. I feel like if you walk around hating everyone and everything, it’s just a self-fulfilling, prophetic cycle of cynicism and negativity. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a great way to live and I embrace it fully, but if you believe in ‘what goes around comes around’—and, how could you not, when Justin Timberlake has said it—maybe you have to give a little happiness to get a little. Or don’t, and continue living your miserable life—I don’t give a fuck.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/becoming-better-person-happy-someone/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Take Criticism

First of all, whoever is criticizing you is obviously a bumbling idiot. But just because they’re clearly misguided doesn’t mean they’ll shut their trap hole and keep it to themselves. So you have to be able to take criticism with the grace of a swan, and move on with your life without getting hung up on it to the point of shame spiraling. No stranger to critique and the shame-spiral, myself, I feel I am uniquely qualified to give you some tips on how to handle being criticized. Here they are.

First, spit in your critic’s face

It is imperative to establish the power dynamic immediately—otherwise, the dolt who dared utter negative words about you to you will think they’re the dominant one, and before you know it, they’ll be humping your leg while stealing your lunch money. We’re setting a tone, here, people.

Then ask them for a one-page defense of their stance

Typed and single-spaced, of course. You’ll wait… If they’re going to criticize you, they’d better be able to back it up. Should they fail to present a solid defense, as they inevitably will, you’ll have the opportunity to obliterate their argument piece by measly piece. I suggest having a red pen on hand so you can mark up their pathetic excuse for an argumentative essay whilst verbally attacking them. And let’s not forget to also make sweeping hand gestures—I find it helpful to imagine you’re walking behind a maddeningly slow person on the street, à la herding cattle.

Consider what they have to say

Mostly so that you can tell them you considered what they had to say when deciding to reject it and proclaim that they can suck thoroughly on a bag of dicks. Now, there is a one in a trillion chance that what they say is true—and we are nothing if not self-aware, humble, always-attempting-to-better-ourselves saints—so don’t completely write off what is most likely rubbish spewing from their pie hole; it could most definitely not be a learning opportunity.

Remember that you are the captain of your fate

Meaning that despite what they say—despite what anyone says—you ultimately get to decide how to be, act, think, and value/evaluate yourself (or not). So take their criticism with a grain of salt. And chuck that grain of salt right the fuck over your shoulder so it turns into good luck. People will say shit they shouldn’t, be nosy where they shouldn’t, and be mean when they shouldn’t, so you can’t put too much value into their words. Don’t take this to the extreme and become a narcissist, though—as we’ve seen in cases like the “affluenza” teen and Donald Trump, a lack of regard for rational and realistic thinking can lead to disastrous consequences… and hair.

Featured on News Cult:

How to be Broken Up with Gracefully

Being broken up with is not super great. But clearly the person breaking up with us is not right in the head because we’re majestic sphinxes. So we’ll just take our radiance elsewhere, and on our way out, here are some ways we can exit like the graceful swans we are.

Say any of these things:

“That’s ok, I was planning on crying myself to sleep anyways.”

“OK but so who gets the Netflix account?”

“No! Nope–I’m breaking up with you. Consider yourself broken up with.”

“I’m pregnant–or not, whichever scenario makes you more likely to stay.”

“I guess now’s a good time to tell you that your dad fathered an illegitimate child with his secretary. Your brother told me when we slept together.”

https://i0.wp.com/s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2013/3/18/17/anigif_enhanced-buzz-24641-1363641346-0.gif

“I do not accept.”

“Is it because I ate those 9 fruit roll-ups for breakfast?”

“Oh thank God–consistently shaving my legs was becoming exhausting.”

https://i0.wp.com/mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Leonardo-DiCaprio-Cheering-In-Django-Unchained-Gif.gif

“Yeah I’d break up with me too if I could.”

Do any of these things:

Literally bow out

https://31.media.tumblr.com/2f42850ea5d5f3559ff15b515f2ebe3c/tumblr_inline_n7r20nWEeT1sc9gzm.gif

Send him an itemized bill of your birth control costs.

Deuces

https://onlybadchi.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/35977-7zjhr.gif

Refuse to leave–insist that he leaves, even if you’re at his place.

High-five him

https://i0.wp.com/persephonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/borat-letterman-high-five.gif

Burn all of his belongings on his front lawn and use the fire to make s’mores.

Take everything that will fit in your arms/pockets.

Put an anonymous call into border patrol telling them they may want to check out the guy you used to bed “because he’s suspiciously brown.”

Don’t break eye contact–even after he’s stopped talking.

https://i0.wp.com/24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdrgzn86uU1rlqlyko1_400.gif

Take off your bra, unbutton your pants, and breathe a sigh of relief.

Moonwalk your way out.

Remember to be eco-friendly and use all the tears you’ll cry to water your cactus, the one plant you’ve managed not to kill yet.

Don’t say anything–just laugh maniacally.

https://i0.wp.com/www.reactiongifs.com/r/Laugh.gif

Call the DUI hotline and report his license plate #.

Drop the mic.

https://i0.wp.com/i.imgur.com/MHehad4.gif

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/how-to-be-broken-up-with-gracefully/