As Featured on News Cult: The Best Things About Fall

Fall is upon us. Which means lots of good things. Namely:

1. More excuses to stay inside

And do nothing. This, obviously, is the sole purpose of cold weather. Of course we do this year round anyways, but when fall rolls around, we dare people to tell us we’re depressed and need to get out more and we should try exercising! and maybe need to see someone about this and this isn’t normal and why don’t we get out of bed it’s a little concerning.

2. Warm beverages

Cider, pumpkin spice lattes, hot chocolate, hot toddy’s, Everclear in your morning coffee–you name it!

3. Halloween

A socially acceptable reason to eat a (XL) pillow case of candy.

4. No need to shave our legs

Leggings Pants on leggings pants on leggings pants on leggings pants.

5. Thanksgiving

In other words, an occasion on which to fall into a food coma after consuming endless carbs. Which to us is just a regular Friday night, but on this glorious day we can do it around other people without pretending to worry about their criticisms.

6. Carving pumpkins

Great way to get out your aggression. Like, you get to stab something repeatedly and it’s considered a family-friendly activity.

7. Shorter Days

“Sorry, the sun goes down at 5:30, so I can’t come to your birthday party/dinner/baptism/concert/wedding/bar mitzvah/baby shower/funeral tonight.”

8. Cozy clothes

Translation: sweatpants. Again, nothing new for us, but thanks to the harvest season we have a sturdier defense against other peoples’ judgments.

9. Black Friday

Because you know where the majority of people will be–Walmart, Kmart, all the marts–and therefore where NOT to be.

Featured on News Cult:

As Featured on News Cult: 10 Halloween Costume Ideas

We’re sort of approaching the Halloween season (not really but I couldn’t think of anything else to write about), but in any case, isn’t it always better to be prepared for things ahead of time (just kidding, procrastination is my religion). But whatever, we’re here so we might as well discuss Halloween costume ideas. Here are my suggestions for you.

1. You are what you eat

So in our case, this could be one of three things: bacon, donuts, or pizza.

2. A piece of shit

For inspiration, reference your middle school choir director, last 3 bedfellows, or any of your neighbors.

3. A stop sign

Because if we could choose to be anything other than human, this would be it. Our favorite thing to do is to tell people to stop. You’re pouring your heart out to me? Stop. You’re driving in front of me and have a “My child is an honor student at [No One Gives a Fuck] High School”? Stop it. Oh please, DO tell about your relationship woes–just keep talking and talking and talking about yourself, I can’t get enough. NOT–ready, set, STOP.

4. Your mom

Not yours, but the universal “your mom.” Use your discretion to interpret this one. But please just try to be as stereotypical, offensive and judgmental as possible.

5. Alcohol

If there’s one thing we know, it’s booze. Put that expertise to use.

6. The middle finger


7. Your pet

AKA your soul mate, life partner, love of your life. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Maybe then they’ll love you as much as you love them (unlikely, but a girl can dream).

8. A priest

Could there be a more logical choice in costume? I mean, they’re always trick or treating with children anyways.

9. Someone taking a vow of silence

The perfect excuse to ignore people and not have to talk to them! WE’VE BEEN WAITING ALL YEAR FOR THIS.

10. Zac Efron

HAHAHAHAH just kidding you don’t have the abs for that. Now, Seth Rogen, on the other hand, we can do. We’ll knock that shit OUT OF THE PARK. The resemblance is uncanny.

Featured on News Cult: