As Featured on News Cult: Why I Support Planned Parenthood

After the extremely maddening, unjust, horrific shooting that took place at Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs on Friday, I think now is an especially important time for me and others to show their support for Planned Parenthood. I’ve always supported it and always will, as long as it continues to be what it has been and is—a safe, accessible place for everyone, regardless of gender, to receive affordable and necessary healthcare. Regarding Friday’s shooter, I’ll just say this: why is it, that when the attacker is a Muslim, he’s an “evil, radical Islamic terrorist,” and when the subject of police force is black, he’s killed before he gets to exercise his right to due process, but when the shooter is white, he’s a “mentally deranged lone wolf,” brought into custody alive, and no one presumes to know his motives until he has his day in court? That is the most fucked up, backwards, infuriating inconsistency in societal judgment and law enforcement that exists. It seems more than safe to say that Robert Lewis Dear, a man who’s been accused of and in some cases charged with rape, domestic violence, animal cruelty, and being a peeping tom, decided to put his hunting gear on and shoot up his local Planned Parenthood, killing three innocent people and wounding nine others, all in the name of “no more baby parts”—another completely illogical, sick display of hypocrisy, which was clearly influenced (some may even say brainwashed) by the far-right bigoted propaganda in the form of doctored videos that represent a completely false portrait of Planned Parenthood, and countless other slanderous, hate-filled, ignorant displays of fundamentalist intolerance by extremist conservatives.

To set the record straight, let’s start off with some facts about Planned Parenthood. It’s been a healthcare resource for men and women for 99 years. There are 8 million+ Planned Parenthood activists, supporters, and donors. 3/4 of Planned Parenthood’s clients receive services to prevent unintended pregnancies. 34% of all Planned Parenthood health services are contraceptive services. The estimated number of unintended pregnancies averted by Planned Parenthood contraceptive services each year is 584,000. 3% of all Planned Parenthood services are abortion services. The increase in male Planned Parenthood clients from 2000 to 2010 was 105%. Planned Parenthood provides nearly 5 million people worldwide with sexual and reproductive health care and education each year. 76% of Planned Parenthood clients are at or below 150% of the federal poverty level. 8 in 10 Planned Parenthood clients are 20 years of age and older. And 1,000,000 clients are served by Planned Parenthood-supported partners in 10 developing countries.

I support Planned Parenthood because all of those things, all of those facts, are good. I believe that everyone, regardless of age, race, socioeconomic standing, sexual orientation, creed, should have equal access to healthcare. Unfortunately, because of the overwhelming disparity in wealth in the United States and worldwide, and the incredibly high cost of healthcare in the U.S. especially, a lot of people don’t have access to healthcare. But everyone has access to Planned Parenthood. Even if they don’t have insurance, or can’t afford treatment. Planned Parenthood accepts and will care for everyone, regardless of potential compensation. People who refer to Planned Parenthood as “an abortion clinic,” are, simply, wrong. And while I’m happy to take the wind out of the crutch that is the “Planned Parenthood is bad because ABORTION” argument, I also want to make it clear that I support Planned Parenthood BECAUSE it provides abortions, among countless other vital healthcare services. Abortion is safe. Abortion is legal. Abortion is a choice that is made individually. I don’t care if you don’t like abortions—don’t get one. But you sure as shit don’t have the right to tell me I can’t get one.

Don’t try to argue that abortion is the same as murder. Murder is what the Colorado Springs shooter did to those three innocent people, each of whom had spouses and young children. And no one should be forced into parenthood, especially if they aren’t ready for it or don’t want it. I don’t care if you think sex is a sin, and don’t believe in birth control because of your antiquated, unnatural, suppressive beliefs that cause most of you to end up molesting little boys—then don’t have sex. But you have no right to tell me or anyone else that we’re not allowed to have sex, and, furthermore, enjoy it, without having to reproduce as a consequence. There are lots of scientific arguments for why people shouldn’t reproduce, not least of which is overpopulation, which is leading to the rapid environmental degradation of the planet—but how about, I JUST DON’T WANT TO HAVE A KID, so I’m not fucking going to. Period.

Planned Parenthood is a safe haven from hyper-critical, imposing, overbearing attempts to control individual rights and freedoms. It provides non-judgmental, supportive healthcare for people in most need of it. It’s easy to step up onto a pedestal of moral superiority and cast shame upon people who don’t share your beliefs. It’s easy to operate from a place of violent power—which is what people who oppose Planned Parenthood to the point of voting to defund it on a federal level, and attacking its clinics, do. But despite all of those obstacles, Planned Parenthood fights every day to support everyone—whether that means providing a safe place to get an abortion, distributing free condoms, counseling patients on STDs, giving cancer screenings, or providing an affordable routine pap smear—no matter what. It’s a hell of a lot harder to fight against hate, and violence, and ignorance, than it is to perpetuate it—what Planned Parenthood does takes courage, and without it, so many of us would be lost. So I stand with them, and am not going to stop, despite acts aimed at terrorizing doctors who provide crucial, feasibly attainable healthcare and women who exercise their right to reproductive freedom.

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Pass the Time in the Doctor’s Waiting Room

Ugh the dread of the doctor’s office waiting room. THE DREAD. Like, tick-tock tick-tock it’s just a matter of seconds before you find out you’re dying or have Herpes or actually wait those are the same thing. Also, fuck doctors–they get to make us wait forever but god forbid we are 11 minutes late to an appointment.

So here are some things you can do to kill that wait time (really tried to figure out how to make this a pun about you finding out you’re dying so like ‘kill time’ get it?? but I failed but also did I? because I’m pretty sure I just killed it. HEY-O did it again!).


Harshly. Judge, assume, repeat. Guess why every other person in the waiting room is there. IBS? Multiple Personality Disorder? They’re just generally a shitty, unlovable person? All of these are safe bets.


After you’ve judged negatively and assumed the worst about your waiting room compatriots, introduce yourself and make chit chat. Some suggested intros:

“Hey, I noticed you have disgusting skin.”

“So, what are you in for? You know how like they ask that in prison, except that this isn’t prison, obviously. It’s just a doctor’s waiting room. But like, it’s funny that you can ask the same question in a doctor’s waiting room and a prison. Actually have you ever been in prison?”

“‘Sup motherfucker?”


Especially the ones that are sensitive and private in nature.


Scroll, honey. Scroll. Some suggested accounts:

Kylie Jenner *Caution: this may qualify as child pornography and/or reek of desperation

Vin Diesel


Need I say more?













Hillary Clinton (it’s just funny how corrupt, deceitful and greedy she really is, underneath the liberal, feminist, progressive mask she wears– but none of that really comes across on her Instagram. #TeamBernie)


Do you know how many vile, germy hands have touched those pages?? They might as well be bathroom keys! Or bar peanuts!


The Internet really is a miracle. Before you know it, you’ll have found his new girlfriend’s resume on which she asserts that she’s a “necessary cashier who’s always smiling” and “attends on customers at all times upon and within the floor” at Kohl’s, and four different Facebook profile pictures of her, each of which looks like a distinctly different person, and an excerpt of a magazine interview in which she says “my Brazilian heritage allows that my carmel complexion can be sun-kissed 366 days a year.” And you’ll just really feel a lot better about yourself.

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