Barista: “Did I hear you say you hope you get hit by a bus?”

Me:

Considering tracking down my old prison stalker

Maybe he’ll text me back.

Me: Can someone tell how often I view their Instagram?

…. and Facebook …. and Twitter?

Siri:

It wouldn’t be a Saturday night

if I didn’t wake up on Sunday wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

#oranyothernightoftheweekforthatmatter

Me on the phone with the DIRECTV guy today

Subverting gender norms ALL day.

#thisiswhathappenswhenyouputmeinchargeoftheofficebathroomkeys

Me when I try to talk to a guy.

#Knope

The unfollow is mutual

#happyelectionday

When you’re the two most under-achieving guests at a costume party.

When you hear a song a guy wrote about you