As Featured on News Cult: Questions I Would Ask the “Real Housewives” If I Ever Had the Chance to Interview Them

You’d think the infinity “reunion specials” for each season of each Real Housewives franchise would be enough to answer any questions I have for them, but nope—I’ve got more. So here’s what I would ask the “Real Housewives” if I was ever graced with the chance to interview them.

1. Are you ever confronted with the utter meaninglessness of your existence and everything you hold dear?

2. Studies show you’ve singlehandedly kept the taffeta industry in business. Why?

Part b) Why?

3. Have you ever eaten bread?

Part b) And kept it down?

4. How many Chinese children did it take to bedazzle everything you own?

5. What’s up with your face?

6. How many homeless people have you hit & run with your Bentley?

A) At least 3

B) Approx 10

C) Def in the teens and Suge Knight’ed at least 4 of them too

7. Who will get to keep the offshore accounts when your marriage falls apart on national television—you or your husband?

8. Do you ever worry that your children will take after you?

9. How much do you pay your Mexican nanny/maid/personal assistant/cook/gardener/parent to your kids?

10. Are you jealous that your husband has more Botox than you?

11. Marry Fuck, marry, or marry kill: Donald Sterling, Donald Trump, and Hugh Hefner?

12. How much money did you spend last year on throwing “charity events” and how much money did you actually raise for charity?

13. Is tax evasion an acquired skill, or are you just born with it?

14. Can you really be considered human if the majority of your body is composed of synthetic materials?

15. Which of the choices below would you use to describe your skin color?

A) Tang

B) Hi-C

C) Pyridium

16. It’s fair to say your marriage is a form of prostitution, correct?

17. But seriously your face though

18. Which of the below would you say best describes your fashion mantra?

A) Every day is prom night!”

B) “If it’s not chunky, it’s not jewelry. #likevomit #asincannedbeefstew #see:myassbeforeIhaditreplaced

C) “Your clothing should always be more expensive than the cost of clean water for any given impoverished country. Otherwise, how can you be sure you’re better than all those brown people?”

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As Featured on News Cult: How to Not Hold a Grudge

I mean, there’s nothing more tempting than holding a grudge. Why? Because people are the worst, and when they display that with their idiotic, insensitive, narcissistic behavior, they should be cut out of your life like Jim Bob Duggar’s vas deferens needs clipping, and forever haunted by your vengeance. But—holding a grudge takes a lot of time and energy and we don’t have either of those (well, we have time, but we need to spend it on exerting no energy whatsoever). So we’re just gonna let it go like it’s our baby and we’re Michael Jackson on a balcony. Or Eric Clapton.

Here’s how to not hold a grudge.

Remember that people are their own undoing

People will get what’s coming to them—you don’t have to be the one to give it to them. That is the job of a little something we call karma. (Actually I think we totally co-opted that term and have misused it since, but whatever (as white Westerners do)). In the words of Justin Timberlake, “What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around.” Pure poetry.

Breathe a sigh of relief

If you don’t hold a grudge, you get to let go of so much anger. And I know anger is, like, our favorite hobby, but its negative impact mainly manifests in you, not the other person. If it were the other way around, I’d totally say go for it, but unfortunately, it really only eats away at your own well being. Unless you channel it. Which brings me to…

Get revenge

Ok I know I’m touting this whole zen take the high road crap, but if there’s a way of exacting swift revenge, just do it, as Nike would say. Get it over with so you’ll be able to rid yourself of the burden of whoever or whatever was grudge-worthy, and move on with your life like you’re Tonya Harding (because she just glides gracefully. On the ice. Or at least up until 1994. Ok bad example but in my defense I don’t know the names of any other professional ice skaters. So what if she wore a diaper on her cross-country kill trip? Or wait that was Lisa Nowak—who, interestingly enough, also bounced around weightlessly—one might even say without any burden—in space. But seriously don’t follow either of their examples when it comes to revenge).

Take pity

On the person you want to hold a grudge against. Clearly, as their actions have already proven, they’re a pitiful person. They’re just pathetic—you actually feel a little sorry for them. As Gandhi would probably say, “Don’t swallow that haterade, yo.”


Make sure to just bitch a lot about the person who done you wrong to your friends and family. Just get it out of your system. If this means having them on rotating shifts 24/7, then so be it. Hey, you didn’t choose to be born—consequently, your parents always have to be there for you 100% even if it’s in the middle of the night or during one of the two times a year they have sex, or, as they called it when you walked in on them at 16, “hugging.”

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Why Jealousy is a Waste of Your Time

Here’s the deal: there will always be someone better than you. Someone smarter, prettier, richer, skinnier, happier, luckier. BUT–good news for us is there will also always be someone worse. Someone dumber, uglier, poorer, fatter, sadder, more unlucky. And if there’s one thing we love, it’s rejoicing at the misfortune of others. So rather than waste your time focusing on everything you don’t have and never will, invest your mental and emotional energy in enjoying all the ways you’re already winning. Because, shocking as it may be, compared to someone, you are a winner.

Don’t get me wrong–we can and will still spend plenty of time hating people. But hate them because they have more than 12 items in the express lane at the grocery store YOU CLEARLY HAVE AT LEAST 17 CAN YOU NOT READ OR ARE YOU JUST A TOOL YOU DUMB FUCK, or because they are a worthless, piece of shit friend, or gave you Syphilis. Hate them because they’re terrible, not because they’re a whole lot less unfortunate than you.

If you pine after that which you’re lacking, you’ll drive yourself nuts. It’s a losing battle. Your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend has skinnier calves than you? Good luck ever attaining that–no amount of jealousy in the world is going to make your cankles disappear. Instead, enjoy the fact that you get to eat cake. Your coworker got promoted instead of you? The position has been filled, so move on with your life–relish the stress you don’t have with the increased responsibility they do. You showed up to prom in the same dress as your arch nemesis, and she’s wearing it better? What. ever. Just dance and let yourself be free and let this be a lesson to you that one should never go to prom because prom is awful. Put the dress to good use so much so that by the end of the night, you’ve either torn it to shreds or a cute guy has (but in, like, a non-rapey way).

My mom’s yoga teacher (and someone smart before her) once said that being bitter/jealous is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And while I do love spewing toxic negativity at other people, I don’t want to direct that shit inward. And I must say, the freedom that comes with the “I just don’t care and can’t be bothered” attitude is quite appealing. Because I have a lot of no fucks to give and not a lot of time to give them.

Let anyone who deserves karmic retribution dig their own grave (and of course you’re free/encouraged to spit on it as soon as their coffin goes subterranean), and as for those who have what you want, for once in your life, actually follow Disney’s lead and LET IT GO. Free yourself. So you have time to do the important things in life. Like getting into raucous debates with your parents over brunch about the legitimacy of the self-proclaimed feminist value of MAD MAX that end with your mother slamming the table, demanding “WHY CAN’T THERE BE FULL FRONTAL NUDE SHOTS OF MALES AS OFTEN AS FEMALES IN FILMS?!” Or making 3 AM runs to the grocery store because THIS IS AMERICA WHERE THINGS ARE OPEN 24/7 AND WE CAN GET FOOD TO SHAME-EAT AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY. Or teaching the second graders you tutor that there’s really no such thing as a “bad” word–it all depends on context, and if they want to tell their dad to “fuck off” because he won’t let them have a third fruit roll-up, you fully support that. Know your priorities, people.

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