As Featured on News Cult: How to Celebrate Father’s Day

I had to Google when Father’s Day is (sorry, Dad). But luckily I’m way ahead of the game and it’s not until June 19; (completely forgot to do a post about Mother’s Day… sorry, Mom). And when you have your shit remotely together for once, it’s worth commemorating. So here’s a list of ideas for how to celebrate, with plenty of time to plan/pull one of these out of your ass morning of.

1. Make a list of all the parenting mistakes your dad has made

And ways he’s failed you. Handwrite it for extra personal effect before you gift it to him.

2. Do a nostalgic activity

Growing up, I was daddy’s little boy, so when I quit soccer, I believe that was the most disappointing moment of my father’s life. So for me, this would be playing soccer with him/losing my breath after 2 minutes and disappointing him all over again.

3. Don’t express too much emotion

Things will just get weird if you do something like say “I love you,” so just keep a lid on it. No need for a hug—a pat on the back or sturdy handshake will do just fine. Perhaps even a chest bump, or barbaric grunt.

4. Go out to dinner

His treat.

5. Bring your significant other to meet him for the first time

Nothing says, “I love you, Dad,” like introducing your piece of shit boyfriend to him on a day that signifies family togetherness and appreciation. I find it helps if your guy doesn’t have a college degree or a job, can’t drink whiskey straight or engage in substantive debate about the morality of war, and puts on a lot of PDA.

6. Tell him you’re pregnant

And that soon enough your child will be celebrating Father’s Day! With whom, we don’t know yet, but we feel confident we can narrow it down to 3 candidates, +/-.

7. Offer to join him in an activity he likes

Like golf—all dads like golf, right? Join him for a spastic bout of swinging the club and taking chunks out of the ground, never hitting the ball game. Or buy him some nice cigars—that’s another dad thing, right? Offer to sit in the den with him and choke while sucking on the wrong end smoke one by the fire.

8. Ask him for money

Parents love when you do that! Nothing says “I appreciate you, Dad,” more than, “I need you to bankroll my lifestyle.”

9. Get him a dog

And then take on zero responsibility in caring for it.

10. Give him comments on his will

Ask him for a copy of it, redline and annotate that shit, and get it back to him for countersignature. #he’swelcome

11. Get into an explosive, hysterical argument

It’s not a family gathering without one, right?

12. Move back home








If anything, he should be grateful, because someone is going to have to wipe his ass for him in his old age. #47isthenew74 #youmaythinkyou’reyoungandhealthy,butyouknowwhoelsethoughtthat? #StephenHawking

13. Make him a card

Nothing too flamboyant, lest you insult his masculinity. But maybe some neutral-toned cardstock with a navy blue or forest green accent, perhaps some plaid ribbon if you’re feeling courageous, and black or blue ink only.

14. Ask him to bail you out

“I used my one phone call on you! That’s how much you mean to me.”

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As Featured on News Cult: Mom Jeans: Let’s Discuss

Mom jeans… Means? The topic of hot debate in recent years. Forget the Middle East, abortion, and Obamacare–we know our priorities, and they are mom jeans. I’m certainly no fashion expert, but I do have thoughts on this subject. And by thoughts I mean questions. I would like to get into mom jeans for a moment. Congratulations to me for that fantastic pun. You’re all welcome.

So we all know what the mom jean is–that high waist thoughhhhh. But first off, why is it called the mom jean? I guess the answer is obvious–because historically it has been worn by stereotypical stay-at-home mom types, especially in the 80s/90s. But why did those women originally gravitate toward that cut of jean? As my brilliant best friend pointed out to me the other day, when I sent her an exuberant text message saying I’d discovered the solution to love handles–to just pull the waist of your pants up higher–it’s probably because the high-waisted style does contain all the jiggly bits. And, by virtue of them having born children, moms are more likely to have jiggly bits, especially in the waist area. Take note, men: the next time you exercise your shallow, sexist beauty standards, remember that you’re full of shit, and your body will never be burdened by pregnancy, so what the fuck is your excuse for your fat, sagging gut? Where are the dad jeans? Maybe you should get a pair.

Moving on, how did we get from the mom jean originating as a product of functionality in a certain period of time, to them now resurfacing as a trend? First of all, I just don’t understand trends. Frankly, they’re kind of sad, because they show how utterly unoriginal humans are. We glom onto them because apparently we can’t think for ourselves and be unique. Way to go, losers. But even if you accept that trends are inevitable, why are certain products considered trendy at certain times, and others not? Like why are mom jeans all of a sudden back in style? I get that they’re “hip” because they’re reminiscent of simpler times, and perhaps they’re even supposed to be ironically funny in a self-aware way, because, looking back from our perch high atop a more evolved society nowadays, mom jeans are just lol so funny omg i can’t believe anyone wore those what were they thinking?! As in, it’s now cool to be uncool. But what I don’t get is why it’s now cool to be uncool.

Why is it that people take something that was a product of its time, and try to re-purpose it in a way that says, “I know this is dorky, but I’m so boldly hip that I’m going to wear it anyways, and in so doing, stop being the lame underdog, and start being the really really cool top dog, but not like popular kid/jock/cheerleader/quarterback/prom royalty top dog, because I’m still uncool, but just in a cool way, you know? I’m still subcultural, man.” The problem with that rationale is, that eventually being uncool so that you’re perceived as cool establishes a rule that uncool is cool, and when uncool becomes cool, it’s no longer uncool. Are you following me?

In other words: ATTN, Hipsters: just because you wear acid wash mom jeans with your high tops, a fanny pack and Hawaiian shirt does not mean you have an ounce of hippie in you, or that you represent rebellion against mainstream culture, or that you’re just, like, so alternative and too school for cool. Here’s a thought: wash your hair, stop talking like you clogged your nose up with too much cocaine, take off your aviators because you’re in the housewares section of Target, build a bridge, and get over yourself.

If you’re going to wear mom jeans, wear them because you really need to tuck and tighten, don’t wear them because you’re so desperately self-conscious that you think you’re making a clever social statement, but really just latching onto the mainstream. Hint: if American Apparel is doing it, it’s not alternative. Personally, I won’t wear mom jeans because they actually do more harm than good for me in the love handle department, but I have no opposition to them on a purely technical level. Some people think they’re just unflattering or ugly–I really don’t give a fuck. I just don’t buy into the ‘hipster’ propaganda that seems to be the obvious engine behind the mom jean revival. And I guarantee you that the original wearers of the mom jean wouldn’t know or give two shits about what it means to be a hipster in today’s world. They’re too busy not being able to retire because of ow rapidly our economy is tanking, so forgive them if they’ve got more important things to focus on and aspire to than being Terry Richardson-bait.

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