As Featured on News Cult: How to Celebrate Father’s Day

I had to Google when Father’s Day is (sorry, Dad). But luckily I’m way ahead of the game and it’s not until June 19; (completely forgot to do a post about Mother’s Day… sorry, Mom). And when you have your shit remotely together for once, it’s worth commemorating. So here’s a list of ideas for how to celebrate, with plenty of time to plan/pull one of these out of your ass morning of.

1. Make a list of all the parenting mistakes your dad has made

And ways he’s failed you. Handwrite it for extra personal effect before you gift it to him.

2. Do a nostalgic activity

Growing up, I was daddy’s little boy, so when I quit soccer, I believe that was the most disappointing moment of my father’s life. So for me, this would be playing soccer with him/losing my breath after 2 minutes and disappointing him all over again.

3. Don’t express too much emotion

Things will just get weird if you do something like say “I love you,” so just keep a lid on it. No need for a hug—a pat on the back or sturdy handshake will do just fine. Perhaps even a chest bump, or barbaric grunt.

4. Go out to dinner

His treat.

5. Bring your significant other to meet him for the first time

Nothing says, “I love you, Dad,” like introducing your piece of shit boyfriend to him on a day that signifies family togetherness and appreciation. I find it helps if your guy doesn’t have a college degree or a job, can’t drink whiskey straight or engage in substantive debate about the morality of war, and puts on a lot of PDA.

6. Tell him you’re pregnant

And that soon enough your child will be celebrating Father’s Day! With whom, we don’t know yet, but we feel confident we can narrow it down to 3 candidates, +/-.

7. Offer to join him in an activity he likes

Like golf—all dads like golf, right? Join him for a spastic bout of swinging the club and taking chunks out of the ground, never hitting the ball game. Or buy him some nice cigars—that’s another dad thing, right? Offer to sit in the den with him and choke while sucking on the wrong end smoke one by the fire.

8. Ask him for money

Parents love when you do that! Nothing says “I appreciate you, Dad,” more than, “I need you to bankroll my lifestyle.”

9. Get him a dog

And then take on zero responsibility in caring for it.

10. Give him comments on his will

Ask him for a copy of it, redline and annotate that shit, and get it back to him for countersignature. #he’swelcome

11. Get into an explosive, hysterical argument

It’s not a family gathering without one, right?

12. Move back home

#Surprise!

 

 

 

 

 

 

If anything, he should be grateful, because someone is going to have to wipe his ass for him in his old age. #47isthenew74 #youmaythinkyou’reyoungandhealthy,butyouknowwhoelsethoughtthat? #StephenHawking

13. Make him a card

Nothing too flamboyant, lest you insult his masculinity. But maybe some neutral-toned cardstock with a navy blue or forest green accent, perhaps some plaid ribbon if you’re feeling courageous, and black or blue ink only.

14. Ask him to bail you out

“I used my one phone call on you! That’s how much you mean to me.”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/14-things-youre-dad-will-really-really-love-get-fathers-day/

As Featured on News Cult: How to Survive Meeting Your Significant Other’s Parents

If you, miraculously, have a significant other, at some point you’re going to have to meet their parents [assuming you don’t fuck the relationship up and it lasts long enough]. It will make you suicidal, homicidal—all kinds of -idal. It’s arguably one of the most effective methods of torture. Your SO’s parents are going to hate you because of course. So here’s how you survive meeting them.

Bring a gift

Everybody loves a gift. Thus, it follows that even people who are bound to hate you will love a gift. And, if you bring them a gift, which they will love, then hopefully maybe they will hate you a little bit less. It’s mathematical logic, guys—it can’t fail. I suggest flowers (although then you run the risk that they’re allergic and you’re the asshole who inflamed their nasal passages), or wine (unless of course they’re an alcoholic, which, knowing their son/daughter, how could they not be, and then you’re responsible for their relapse which will go over so well), or something they can use in their home, like decorative dish towels (but then you’re kind of implying that they’re dirty), or a candle (which of course sends the message that they smell), or a cool culinary tool (but then it’s like “What, are you saying I’m a bad mother because I don’t cook enough?? You know, not all of us, unlike your mother apparently, had the luxury of quitting our jobs upon impregnation and becoming homemakers”).

Give a firm hand shake

You don’t want them taking your wet fish handshake as a sign of weakness. You can prepare for this by doing hand grip exercises in the weeks leading up to your meeting. Offer to open every pickle jar out there, steal your co-worker’s 3M stress ball and never let it go, and practice your handshake on particularly frail people (i.e. your dying grandmother, your boss’s toddler, or the anorexic girl in front of you in line at Ralph’s who has a cart full of cucumbers and cayenne pepper).

Dress like you’re going to church

Just in case they “don’t like tattoos” or “think V-necks are the Devil’s work” or “have a rod so long and stiff up their ass that they need a turtleneck to cover it up, hence their alarming affinity for neck coverage, whether by Elizabethan ruff or brass rings—whatever it takes. #exposednecksarethestuffofhos.”

Do your research

Find out what their interests are, what they studied in college, what they do for work, who their favorite sports teams are, etc., beforehand so you can show up with talking points aplenty. E.g.:

•”Mrs. Brown, I hear you majored in Women’s Studies. Which frankly is a surprise because you’re pretty much a walking trophy for The Patriarchy. For example, your multiple [bad] boob jobs, your reliance on your husband for financial support, the fact that you turn a blind eye when he goes to the strip club every Friday (at least)… Please explain.”

-OR-

•”Mr. Johnson, I hear you are a big fan of Ray Lewis. Just wondering, how can you justify your admiration for him given he’s a cold-blooded murderer? Do you just give a free pass to pro athletes? I mean, should I be worried about ever being alone in an elevator with you?”

-OR-

•”Mr. & Mrs. Swanson, I understand you work for [insert any big bank here] on Wall Street. How can you sleep at night? Are you aware of your extreme, soulless corruption? Do you understand that you’re giant pieces of shit? We’re talking supersized—in true American spirit.”

Avoid eye contact

Just in case they’re like dogs and take it as a challenge. The last thing you want is to find yourself going head-to-head with them about why Bernie Sanders is the best candidate in the upcoming presidential election, and maybe they can’t understand that because they’re greedy, tax-evading, white collar criminals who hate brown people, but it’s just simply the truth.

Be Yourself

Look, at the end of the day, fuck these people. You just do you, and they can take it or leave it (as with all life situations). If they don’t like you, it’s not because of you, but because of the death grip they have on their child’s ability to be an independent, free-thinking adult. Sometimes there’s just no winning, especially with helicopter parents. So throw caution to the wind and be your glorious, frighteningly messy, imperfect self. Plus, how could they not like you? You eat Fruity Pebbles for every meal, inner-thigh holes don’t deter you from wearing pants, and you cry more than any other person you know. If that’s not pitiful a winner, I don’t know what is.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/survive-meeting-significant-others-parents/

As Featured on News Cult: The 9 Best Movies to Watch with Your Parents

Watching movies: a good old-fashioned family activity. If you can’t decide what to watch on your next movie night with your parents (which will be really soon because like who else are you going to have a movie night with you’re alone in life you may as well just move back home and die there), here are some suggestions.

1. Wedding Crashers

The hand-job-under-the-table scene is the best for watching while you’re sitting next to your dad.

2. The Virgin Suicides

I mean… obviously.

3. Pink Flamingos

Can’t stress enough how essential this film is for viewing in social situations.

4. Splash

You grow up thinking you love that movie, and then when you watch it as you get older and wiser, you realize it’s a bunch of bullshit sexist propaganda–a half-naked woman who can’t speak and is game for anything? GREAT,” said the Patriarchy.

5. Spring Breakers

6. Carrie

For some quality mother-daughter bonding time.

7. Any Woody Allen Film

Especially if you’re a stepdaughter watching with your stepfather. And you’re adopted. And you’re young. And Asian.

8. Titanic

BOOB SCENE. HANDPRINT-ON-THE-STEAMY-WINDOW, SEX-SCENE-TO-RUIN-ALL-SEX-SCENES, SEX-SCENE-TO-RUIN-ALL-SEX., SEX SCENE.

9. Girl, Interrupted

Attn: Daughters–this is your go-to.

Featured on News Cult:  http://newscult.com/parent-approved-9-best-movies-watch-parents/

What to do on Memorial Day if Your Parents are Visiting (Like Mine)

Your first objective is to survive. Beyond that, here are some things you can do if you’re unfortunate enough to have your parental unit imposing on visiting you this holiday.

1. Dredge up all the skeletons in the family closet.

Just air that dirty laundry like there’s no tomorrow. Who has been uninvited to whose bat mitzvah, who is the favorite child of the 2 siblings, who disapproves of whose boyfriend, who killed the family tortoise maybe accidentally 12 years ago, who was genius sociopathic enough to carve whose name into the dining room table so the latter would get in trouble, and all the other normal family things…

2. Take them to bottomless mimosas brunch

So when said skeletons are dug up, they’ll just roll right off everyone’s liquor-lubricated shoulders.

3. Take them to a movie

2 hours sans conversation. You’re welcome.

4. Refrain as much as possible from giving them details about your life.

The more you tell them about the sad state of affairs that is currently your existence, the more worried they’re going to be. And the more worried they become, the more they’re going to try to control help you. No need to tell them you had tequila shots at your company party on Thursday night and were three sheets to the wind by 6:15 PM, because then they’ll try to send you to AA. Or that you have HPV again, which you suspect is a result of not using condoms with that last mistake you dated, because then they’ll just be convinced you’re going to get cervical cancer if you don’t already have it. Or that you responded to a question your boss asked you the other day with “blow me” since you really just can’t be bothered to be even a mediocre employee, because then they’ll project their fears that you’ll never be a stable, working adult with steady health insurance on you, and you simply don’t have time for that.

5. Discuss arrangements for their deaths.

Might as well use this time together to sort out their wills, funeral arrangements, medical powers of attorney, life insurance, DNR’s, desired burial locations, etc.

6. Take them to trivia night at a dive bar

They’ll be busy actually putting in effort to answer the questions while you’re busy drinking beer and eating wings while making eyes at the sad townie who’s clearly been there since 3 PM but seems like he isn’t picky. Win-win (-win, probably, since they’ll most likely know the answers to the trivia because they’re old enough to have experienced most everything, and actually read books and watch the news and give a fuck about things other than Tinder swipes, the plethora of Jenner family plastic surgeries, or if anyone can tell if they’ve gained 3 pounds or they can get away with wearing a tank top to froyo without looking like a complete whale).

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=43763