7 Things to Consider Before Getting a Dog

Having a dog is a big responsibility–it’s like having a kid x100. Because dogs are 100x more precious and important than kids. So here’s what you need to think about before you take the plunge into dog “guardianship” (you are not their owner–no being can be owned by another, unless you believe in slavery, in which case, fall off a bridge).

1. Are you a piece of shit?

In other words, are you a selfish asshole who isn’t going to put the needs of your dog first? Because you’re going to have to feed them, take them on walks, bathe them, take them to the vet, clean up after them, and be their pillar of emotional support, and it’s not going to be easy. So narcissists need not apply. Especially if we’re talking puppies. Say goodbye to restful sleep, and hello to waking multiple times in the night to the little one’s whines and cries, taking them out, and soothing them back to sleep, only to wake up again 2 hours later and do it all over. And teething–they’re going to gnaw on any and everything, so let go of your material obsessions and prepare for chewmageddon.

2. Do you have cunty neighbors?


Your dog is going to make noise–whether it’s running around, barking, playing, whatever–because it’s a LIVING BEING–and if your neighbors are unreasonable, they’re going to flip out about it. Especially if you ever need to leave the dog home alone–you won’t be there to mitigate any of your neighbors’ psychotic reactions, and you don’t want to expose your dog to that toxic energy. An alternative solution here is to wait it out until your dog drives your neighbors crazy enough that they move out, which, if you can summon the endurance and resilience necessary to accomplish this feat of will, is optimal.

3. Does your place have enough room?

Will your dog be able to roam free and work out their energy? Do you have a yard or open outdoor area close by where they can run around and play? Some dogs are ok lounging around all day without much exercise, but even those ones need to work off some steam every once in a while. And just because you live a sedentary lifestyle does not mean your dog is cool staying in bed and crying all day with you.

4. Do you have enough time to spend with the dog?

Do you have normal-person work hours or are you a slave to The Man? Are you a homebody who believes that Netflix is God and PJs are the uniform of champions, or are you a social butterfly who’s always painting the town red? Your dog needs lots of TLC, so if you’re gonna be an absentee parent, you’re better off with a turtle.

5. Do you travel a lot?

If you do, do you have a reliable person who can dog-sit for you? Or a good kennel where you can board your little angel? Or are you prepared to bring the dog along with you? Most of these cost a lot, unless you have someone who will dog-sit for free, which may not require money, but means you actually have to put effort into maintaining interpersonal relationships with other people, which we all know is the worst and really ends up being more costly than paying money for other accommodations.

6. How do you feel about shedding?

You’re going to need to invest in some reliable lint rollers, but even then, dog hair will abound, so you have to decide if you’re ok with that. This really shouldn’t be too big of a deal considering that we put no effort into our appearance, but we also wear a lot of black due to its slimming properties, which is not the most ideal color when it comes to dog hair visibility, so we have to at least be prepared to look like even hairier versions of ourselves (I know, you wouldn’t think it’s possible).

7. Can you make your dog a service animal?

You should be able to at least get it certified as a ‘therapy dog,’ because you have a lot of mental issues that warrant having one. And if you can get an even more legitimate certification, that’s even better, because then you’ll be able to take the dog literally everywhere with you. That pretentious cafe you ashamedly enjoy but that has signs everywhere prohibiting pets? Too fucking bad for them–you’ve found a loophole. The grocery store where they don’t allow animals because of potential food contamination? Everybody can deal with it, because you got a letter from a website saying your dog is basically a psychiatrist. Your office bans pets? BOO-YA, you dare your boss to confront you when your dog is wearing one of those vests that makes it look official. BRING IT ON, OUTSIDE WORLD.

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